


Lifetimes

by lordemjay82



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2019-09-13 17:08:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 60,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16896603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordemjay82/pseuds/lordemjay82
Summary: Starts at the end of Civil War, but spans from First Avenger till after Infinity War.  Is AU.  This story started before Infinity War came out, so I’m changing IW to suit my needs. This is the story of you and Bucky.In this AU, Easy Company from Band of Brothers is in the MCU.This will be a long story, comprised of “Books”.Also posted on Tumblr and fanfiction.net





	1. Book 1 - Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Italics = flashbacks  
> A/N: Lt = lieutenant; Cpt = Captain; Sgt = Sergeant; Col = Colonel; CP = Command Post

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: None I think  
> Word Count: 2632

~*~

**Defunct HYDRA base - Siberia 2016**

Steve let the shield drop from his arm, landing in a muffled metallic thud on the ground.  For the first time since 1943, he was leaving captain America behind.  He shifted his weight slightly, getting a better grip on the man barely standing beside him.  Steve Rogers carried his injured brother out of the base.

~

When the shield hit the ground, Tony’s world completely collapsed around him.  And for the first time in a very long time felt truly alone and abandoned.  It was no secret that Tony and Steve didn’t always see eye to eye, but Tony had thought that at the very least they were brothers in arms and at best they were possibly family.  He never thought in a million years that Captain America, Mr Righteous, Virtuous and Altruistic himself would betray him like that.  He was the last person Tony ever thought would do that.  Yet here he was, sitting on the ground of an old HYDRA base in Siberia, in a busted up suit, staring at the shield on the ground. 

Tony wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that, but at some point T’Challa knelt in front of him, concern in his eyes.  The king helped him up to his feet, then bent down to grab the shield and gave it to him.  Tony vaguely remembers him saying something about having Zemo in custody and that they should bring him back to Ross.  Tony remembers waving him off with a “yeah, sure, sounds great” as he walked away towards what he figured was the exit.  He needed to make a call, but FRIDAY wasn’t connecting for some reason. ‘Oh right’  he thought as he looked down to his chest to find the familiar white light gone.

“Your majesty can I borrow your phone, I need to make a call.”

T’Challa had agreed to wait 24hrs before they would hand Zemo over, Tony didn’t want Ross to raid the Hydra base before he had a chance to have a once over first.  When FRIDAY arrived with a new suit, she found Tony in an old records room, surrounded by dusty file boxes, some already opened with their contents scattered about.  He was sitting in the middle of the chaos, trying to wrap his head around the life that had been the Winter Soldier’s.  He’d barely scratched the surface of what HYDRA had done to Barnes to create their Soldier, and he was already forgiving the man for killing his parents.  Because as much as his ego would like to deny it, he wouldn’t have lasted half as long as Barnes had before they completely shattered him and started putting the pieces back together.

Tony, with T’Challa’s help, filled the quinjet FRIDAY had brought with all the records boxes he could find.  There were a lot, this was going to take a while to sift through, and Tony already knew he was going to be locking himself up in his lab going through all of them.  He needed to go through them, see it all himself.  And maybe in the end, he would understand the choices Steve had made. Because after it all, deep down Tony still needed to have Steve’s approval.  The approval of the only man who could link him to his father.  Maybe Barnes could be his new link.  They had after all also been friends.  Man he had daddy issues for days, he thought.

~*~

What time was it?  What day was it?  Tony wasn’t sure anymore, but by the smell of his shirt it had been a while since he had opened that first box back in his lab.  Tony now found himself in front of a wall of records of sorts.  FRIDAY had scanned every piece of paper he had pulled out of a box, digitized every video tape he had watched, and had organized it all chronologically on this virtual evidence wall.  There were the contents of only one box missing on this “wall”, because how do you digitize or scan a bloody uniform or an old leather wallet? Tony held the large leather wallet in his hands, in it he had found a few pictures and some letters. Pictures of Barnes’ family and some letters.  But what had hit Tony hard was the pictures of Barnes and an unnamed Army Nurse.  Both looked tired and were covered in dirt, in one Barnes was holding onto her, and they were both laughing, in another they were looking at each other with so much love Tony was actually jealous.  Another one of the woman sitting on rubble, smiling.  Moments of pure happiness captured in the middle of hell. The man in those photos didn’t kill his parents, would have never killed his parents.

Tony understood why Steve protected Barnes, hell he would have protected that man in the photos too.  No, he doesn’t blame Barnes for his parents death anymore, not even in the slightest.  But where he can forgive Barnes for pulling the “trigger”, he still can’t forgive Steve for not telling him.

~*~

Museum exhibits can be funny things.  In a time when Captain America is considered a wanted criminal.  The Smithsonian still has it’s original Captain America exhibit, with the added 8”x11” letter posted just as you come into the exhibit stating the events of the UN bombing, the setup of Sgt Barnes, and Rogers unwillingness to sign the Accords making him now a wanted criminal.  You know for the sake of presenting historical facts, and not at all about telling a certain secretary of state to…

Tony walks through the exhibit.  The museum had been kind enough to let him in after hours so he wouldn’t be disturbed.

He stops in front of the “Barnes” panel, two sheets of etched glass, suppose to encompass an entire man’s life.  Tony felt anger bubble in his veins.  Barnes deserved more than two panels.  He muses Rogers probably felt the same when standing in this exact spot.

Tony feels a presence come to stand beside him.

“You know we asked Captain Rogers once, if he would share stories about Sargent Barnes.  So we could expand the “Barnes” panels.”  The museum curator, Dr Waller said.

Tony didn’t turn to look at the man.  “I’m guessing he didn’t.”

“No.  You could see how painful it was for him.  The words just wouldn’t form and leave his mouth.  We left the invitation open, you know, for when he was ready”.

Tony nodded, and turned towards the man.  He seemed to Tony like an old university professor.  With a jacket with elbow pads that had seen better days, thick glasses, salt and pepper hair.  A stark contrast to his expensive suit.

“I might be able to help with that.”

~*~

**One month later**

“The Smithsonian will be unveiling it’s brand new James Buchanan Barnes exhibit this Friday.  Made possible thanks to anonymous donations of unique artifacts, such as the actual WWII uniform worn by Sargent Barnes, the chair HYDRA used to create their Winter Soldier, and released SHIELD and HYDRA videos and files. This new exhibit will take you through the life of the worlds longest serving POW.”

Tony placed the newspaper down on the counter, and sipped his coffee.  This was very unlike him, not taking credit for something he helped create. Something Rhodes and Pepper had more than once pointed out.  But this felt right to him, part of his own journey of healing.  And it’s not like it would be hard to really figure out who the anonymous donor was.  Evidenced by the very angry phone call from Secretary Ross that morning.

Tony, well his lawyers, was also working to get Barnes cleared of all criminal charges for crimes he might of committed as the Winter Soldier.  And in this he had T’Challa’s surprisingly open and public support.  Tony wasn’t an idiot.  He suspected the king at the very least knew where Barnes and Rogers were, if he wasn’t outright harboring them.  The king was a good man after all.  The hope was that one day Barnes could come in from the cold, to a society and government that accepted him as a veteran and POW, not as HYDRA’s assassin, or as a science experiment.

The day of the opening arrived.  Tony pushes Rhodes wheelchair into the museum as flashes of lights erupt around him, and screams of “over here Mr Stark!” are heard coming from the crowd of reporters.

Tony had to hand it to Dr Waller and his team. The exhibit was a stunning, heartwarming and heartbreaking exposition of a human life.  It held very little back of the horrors that were inflicted on the man. And forced the viewer to admit an uncomfortable truth: that they wouldn’t of fared any better at the hands of HYDRA.  James Buchanan Barnes was not only a victim, but a survivor.  And one could only hope to be half the man he was.

Tony stood in front of what was quickly becoming his favourite panel.  Here were copies of the pictures he had found in Barnes’ wallet.  But that was not what made this his favourite.  

FRIDAY had found what had to be his favourite picture. It’s one of Rogers and a few of the future Howling Commandos looking back towards what was obviously an area where the wounded were being treated.  There you could see a soldier and an army nurse shyly smiling at each other as she bandaged him up.  Their first encounter forever immortalised.  

The moment when two soulmates met.  

You could practically see the spark, hear the click, happening between the two.  You couldn’t look at the picture and not have your heart swell.  Which made everything that happened next that much more heartbreaking.

~*~

**_T_** _**ony’s lab** _

_Based on the letters he had read, Tony knew the name of Barnes’ girl, and had FRIDAY try to find out more about her.  Tony hadn’t expected to find a plethora of information on her, this was pre-internet era after all.  But he hadn’t expected to find barely nothing.  All he found on the woman was her World War Two file, and some random accounts here and there from the memoirs of other WWII veterans.  What Tony knew about the woman would fit on a single panel.  It’s as if she had no past, as if she had just suddenly appeared in France in 1940. Which in that time was a complete possibility.  It was much easier back then to disappear, and to start a new life.  Running off and joining the circus so to speak._

_As far as Tony could tell, the army nurse’s life started in May 1940, and ended in the Ardennes Forest outside of Foy on January 3rd 1945 after a German shell landed on her.  She had pushed two soldiers out of the way, saving their lives. She had been given the Victoria Cross and the Medal of Honour for her sacrifice._

_Tony had found very small pieces of burnt metal in Barnes’ wallet.  He had analyzed them and found them to be shell fragments.  Why had Barnes held on to them?  Looking at them he supposed they could be mistaken for dog tag fragments._

_Speaking of dog tags.  Tony had found it odd, that amidst everything HYDRA had kept, that Barnes’ tags weren’t amongst any of the boxes he had found._

_Tony had FRIDAY make replicas of all the personal effects he had found, including the uniform.  He even had dog tags made for the exhibit.  Tony had different plans for the originals._

~*~

Tony pushed Rhodes out of the Smithsonian. Stopping, making sure the journalists waiting outside saw him.  It didn’t take long for the flashes and microphones to come out.  Tony raised his hands, shushing the crowd of questions being thrown at him.

“I only have one thing to say, so listen up folks. HYDRA killed my parents, not Barnes. Sargent Barnes was a victim of HYDRA, just like my parents and so many others.  I challenge anyone to go through this amazingly presented exhibit and still think otherwise.  Thank you.”

~*~

In a rundown motel in the middle of nowhere of a “-stan” country.  An old flip phone rings.  Steve pulled out the phone out of his bag, and looked at the caller id surprised.  Answering he pulled it to his ear.

“Tony?”

The interest of the other occupants of the room peaked.

There’s silence on the other side of the line. Steve was about to pull the phone from his ear and look at the caller Id once more when he heard his name.

“Cap…  I’ve got something you’re going to want to see.”

“Just tell me when and where.”

A few days later.  Steve, Sam, Wanda and Nat scope out an abandoned building.

“You know, this could be a trap.”  Sam points out…again.

“So you keep saying Sam.”  Nat responds.

“You three, perimeter, stay sharp.”  Steve orders as he heads towards the building.

Inside he finds Tony in a new Iron Man suit, mask off, sitting on some old crates. Beside him is a small trunk.

“Tony, looking good.”

“Cap, you’ve looked better.”

Steve just smiled and nods.  Life on the run isn’t glamorous.

“I heard what you did for Bucky, with the exhibit. Thank you.”

“Yeah well I didn’t do it for you.”

Steve raised his hands in surrender.

“Tony, I’m…”

“Look Cap.  Barnes was a victim, I see that now.  But you should of told me.  And that, I don’t know if I can forgive that.”

“Well, I hope I can earn your trust back one day.”

There was an awkward silence between the two.

“What’s in the trunk?”

~*~

**In a hut in Wakanda**

Steve had just left, dropping off a trunk. Bucky had to admit that he was curious, but mostly nervous.  Steve hadn’t mentioned what was in it.  Just that he would want to be alone when he opened it.  Steve had given him a warm smile, before hugging him and leaving towards the city.

Bucky had brought the trunk outside.  He sat himself down on the ground by the door, leaning his back into the hut.  He dragged the trunk in front of him.  Closing his eyes, gathering his courage, he lifted the lid with his right hand.

Opening his eyes, he was met with navy blue fabric. A blue he hadn’t seen in over 70 years. With a trembling hand, he brushed the fabric with his fingers, as memories flashed in his mind.  He pulled the coat out, and gently placed it beside him. His hand barely brushing over the ripped and bloodied left sleeve.  Underneath he found his old uniform pants and boots.  He placed them gently beside him as well. 

At the bottom of the trunk there was a small envelope on top of an old leather wallet.

He emptied the content of the envelope, and found dog tags and a note.  The note read:

 _I know they’re not the originals, thought you might like them back nonetheless —Tony._  

Picking up the tags, Bucky swiped his thumb over the stamped letters of his name.  He placed them around his neck.  But as he looked at the two identical tags, he realized that it just didn’t feel right, and he took them off.  Placing them gently with his uniform.

His attention turned to the old leather wallet. As he opened it, he found letters and pictures.  Choosing to go through the pictures first, he gently pulled them out.  Slowly flipping through them,  Bucky’s thumb would “swipe” over his family’s faces sadly.  His vision was becoming blurry, and when his eyes landed on the face of a beautiful army nurse the flood gates opened and Bucky let himself get swallowed up by the memories.

~*~

TBC in Book 2[  
](https://lordemjay82.tumblr.com/post/178464464795/lifetimes-book-2-ch-1)


	2. Book 2 - Late ‘44 & Early ‘45 Ch. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: mention of rape, torture.  
> Word count: 1788

~*~

**Nov 1944 - Europe**

Bucky was in his sniper position picking off the enemy, they weren’t HYDRA this time, just your regular Nazi SS company, so really just as bad.  They just happened to be standing in between the Howling Commandos and their path towards a HYDRA base.  Which according to Army Intelligence  shouldn’t even be here.  And so here they were pinned down by the enemy trying to salvage what was left of this op so they could move onto their actual objective, who by now probably knew that they were coming. 

Gabe was currently pined down and injured, Bucky could tell that it didn’t look good.  From his sniper perch, he could see the others trying to make their way to him, but were meeting heavy resistance.  Even Steve couldn’t get to him.  Bucky was able to cover Gabe… for now.  But there were shooters he just couldn’t find to take them out, and one particularly pesky sniper as well.  Bucky saw the reflective flash of a scope, and he ducked out of the way of the bullet, it missed blowing his head off just barely, it did however graze his left cheek. “Graze” was understating it, Bucky figured he would probably need stitches and it would most likely leave a scar.  There goes his pretty face, he thought sarcastically.  At least now his outside would reflect what he felt on the inside. Bucky would be lying if he said he wasn’t surprised to see red on his fingers after touching his cheek.  Ever since Steve had rescued him from that godforsaken HYDRA base, he had felt unclean.  And not the unclean feeling most soldiers feel because of the things they were forced to do in battle.  But quite literally unclean, like he had poison flowing through his veins instead of blood, and if he were to cut himself he had been pretty sure it would of bled black.  Whatever Zola had injected into him as part of his experiments, Bucky could feel it moving through his veins, seeping into his muscles, his bones, his cells. Burning through him, changing him.

Bucky took a breath and readied himself.  Now at least he knew exactly were the SS sniper was, big mistake.  Unlike his enemy, Bucky didn’t miss. 

Suddenly he saw something he definitely never expected to see on the battlefield.  The enemy was just as stunned as they too stopped firing.  The woman, and he was sure it was a woman, dressed in army greens with the medic red cross badge on her arm, satchel at her back, was running towards Gabe’s position, jumping over, under, sliding off of debris and fallen trees.  Bucky followed her through his scope, he could tell that underneath the grime and blood she was a beauty, but what really caught his attention was that she didn’t even slow down until she reached Gabe.  The enemy seemed to recover once she reached his position and began firing again.  Bucky watched as she ripped open Gabe’s shirt, pulled out a large bandage and wrapped it around him.  Then repeated the same for his leg.  

Bucky continued to pick off anyone that stuck their head out to try and pick off the woman and his friend.  He watched her say something to Gabe, probably whether or not he could walk based on Gabe’s adamant negative shake of his head.  He watched her… sigh?  Sigh? Then he watched her search the high ground near his position, until she locked eyes with him.  She nodded as though saying ‘ok…ok…I can work with this..’  She then quickly looked over the debris and fallen tree that was covering her and Gabe from the enemy, only to quickly duck back down as bullets flew by.  She repeated this 2 more times from either side of the debris, then looked back to Bucky. Using military hand signals, Bucky couldn’t believe it, she was calling out the position of the firing enemies he hadn’t quite been able to pinpoint.  She then raised 3 fingers, grabbed Gabe by his coat and counted down.  Bucky assumed that when she reached zero she was going to move and needed him to start shooting.  And so he did.  The woman grabbed Gabe, half carrying him she began to walk towards the direction she had come.  Bucky picked off every single target she had called out, as she made her way through the debris.  Seeing what was happening, the enemy redirected their efforts towards the woman and Gabe.  Just as they did, the woman dropped both of them to the ground, narrowly missing the rain of bullets coming her way.  Bucky couldn’t do much other than watch as the fire was coming from a patch of trees to his right, too dense to see targets clearly.  But as luck would have it, suddenly the enemy was being flanked, forcing them to switch their attention away from the woman and Gabe and towards this new threat.  Bucky watched the woman get up, but instead of picking Gabe back up, she began dragging him on the ground.  Bucky though maybe she was tired, but then realised that by dragging him, Gabe was being covered by the debris and dirt mounds that littered the ground.  To say that he was impressed by this woman was the understatement of the century.  He then saw soldiers run towards the woman, US Army based on their uniforms, and pick up Gabe while covering their retreat.  With these new soldiers, it didn’t take long for the Howling Commandos to defeat the remaining SS company.

Bucky came down from his perch and met Steve and the other boys below who were talking to who he assumed was the Commanding Officer of the men that had joined them.  Based on the patches on these soldiers shoulders, Bucky realised that these were no ordinary soldiers, but paratroopers.  This day was just getting better and better.  Bucky scanned the crowd and quickly found the makeshift “aid station” where the wounded were being herded.  He spotted Gabe lying on a stretcher being put onto a jeep, Dum Dum and Jim at his side.  Not too far from them he saw the woman, she was now working on another soldier, even from a distance he could tell the odds were not good, and by her purposeful movements and the desperate determination written on her face he could tell that she was loosing her patient.  Bucky’s attention was taken away from the scene as Steve called out to him.  As Bucky turned to face his friend, Steve frowned noticing the angry cut and dried blood on his cheek.

“I’ll live.”  Bucky stated as he waved Steve’s concerned look off before his friend could elaborate.

“Buck, this is Cpt Winters, CO of Easy Company, 101st Airborne, and Cpt Nixon S2.  They’ve been sent to back us up on this one.”

Bucky saluted the captains “Captains.”

They saluted back.

“Sargent.” Winters replied.

“Nice shooting” Nixon added.

“Thank you.”  Bucky absently replied as his gaze went back to the woman. 

He saw her pull a blanket over the face of the soldier she had been working on, and then a hand over his forehead as she closed her eyes.  When she opened them again, she moved onto the next wounded soldier.

The captains followed his gaze, and smiled.

“Since when do they let women on the front-line?”

"They don’t, officially.”  Cpt Nixon said with a smirk.

“Lt Y/F/N Y/L/N, nursing core, Canadian Army.” Winters added.

Now Bucky was thoroughly confused. Canadian?  Attached to a US Army company?  Yep this day was definitely a strange one.

“She’s a surgical nurse, closest thing we have to an actual doc on the front-line.  We’re lucky to have her.”  Cpt Nixon said.

This was not exactly clearing things up, and now Steve was looking at the captains with a confused look as well.

“Well story goes”  Winters began “she and her family were vacationing in France when Hitler decided to invade.  They made it out of course, but once in England, she turned around and joined the Canadian Army as a nurse.  Until actual Canadian companies were deployed she was attached to a British Company. She was on one of the Aid Ships that evacuated the wounded at Dunkirk.  Except she got off the ship and stayed on the beach with the boys, treating the wounded.  Next time she stepped foot in France, was D-day, don’t ask me how she managed to convince her superiors to join the invasion, but somehow she was on one of the last boats that landed at Juno beach on D-day.  A lot of soldiers are still alive thanks to her.  After that, she was assigned to a Field Hospital close to the front.  An Aid Station called for a doctor, they didn’t have one available, so she volunteered to go.  The Aid Station got overrun by SS, she was the only survivor….”  

“They wanted to have some fun first.” Nixon finished, jaw clenching in anger.

Steve and Bucky exchanged glances, it didn’t take a genius to figure out what happened next.  And that made Bucky’s blood boil.

“They didn’t just rape her, they cut into her too. She managed to escape”  Nixon said with a hint of pride.  "She didn’t get too far though, they were going to send her up to HYDRA.  It’s that transport that we intercepted and took out.  She’s been with us ever since.“

Bucky blinked a few times, trying to process what he had just heard.

"Why wasn’t she sent off the front?” Steve asked.

“We were going to, but then we got ambushed, and by the time the dust settled she was feeling better, and she wouldn’t let us.”

“Wouldn’t let you?”

“Listen if Y/N doesn’t want to go, the only way you’ll make her go is in a body bag.”  Winters stated, a mix of pride and exasperation in his voice, clearly by his tone he had tried in vain to send Y/N back off the front-line.

“And technically we are escorting her back to the Canadian Army, just taking the scenic route back.”  Nixon said.

“Besides, they know we have her and they’re not pushing to get her back, and we’re not pushing to send her back, we’re short medics as is.”

“But she’s…”  Bucky started.

“A woman, yeah I know.  Thing is she’s good, very good.  She’s taught Doc Roe so much, and she’s got an uncanny intuition about things.  I don’t know…  She’s saved a lot of lives having her with us.”

Bucky looked back at the aid station watching Y/N work.  Yes, this was a strange day indeed.

~*~

TBC in Ch.2


	3. Book 2 - Late ‘44 & Early ‘45 Ch. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: mention of rape, torture, violence.  
> Word count: 3772  
> Italics = flashback

~*~

Bucky found himself sitting on a log in the “Aid Station” with a cup of soup in his hand.  Trying to eat said soup without grimacing too much due to the cut on his cheek.  He’d finally relented to Steve’s nagging and went to get his cut looked at.  The more severely injured soldiers had all been taken care of by who he now knew to be Lt Y/N and Doc Roe, and it was the turn of the minor injuries to get looked at.  

Bucky had been watching you work, replaying what Cpts Winters and Nixon had told him and what he had seen on the battlefield with his own eyes.  You reminded him of Agent Carter.  No, that’s not true, Agent Carter had nothing on you.  Bucky knew what it was like to be tortured, and he imagined being gang raped and cut into was probably worse, and yet here you were smiling to the boys you were treating.  Genuinely smiling.  Bucky couldn’t remember the last time he had genuinely smiled at anything.

He could see the looks of comfort, gratefulness and adoration they all gave you.  But mostly he saw how they all seemed to be lighter, the spark in their eyes returned. As though your simple touch or smile made all the bad just evaporate.  Like a sunray breaking through the dark clouds.  Like those first warm spring rays of sun after a long cold winter, it’s warmth sinking deep into your skin, your soul.  A spark of life, a rebirth.  And that is what amazed Bucky the most.  

Bucky wasn’t a particularly religious man, but watching you, he knew for a fact that angels did exist, and that heaven was missing one of them right now.  He sighed and looked back at his soup.  If he’d been keeping track correctly, Doc Roe would get to him before you did.  So when he saw a pair of boots in front of his he wasn’t expecting to be looking into Y/E/C eyes when he looked up.

His surprise must of registered on his face, because you smirked at him and let out a small chuckle, before you reached a hand to his chin to turn his cheek.  Bucky swore he felt his skin burn, but in a good way, when you touched him ever so gently. He had been right, your touch felt like a sunny day, he could feel the warmth spreading over his skin, could practically smell the spring flowers in the air, and feel the light breeze, and hear the bees buzzing and the birds chirping.  Funny since it was early winter right now.  You tilted his head slightly to get a better look at his cut and began cleaning it.  The sting of the bandage touching his cut brought him back to reality as you apologised.

“Don’t be”  Bucky said.  There were so many things he wanted to say, so many lines he wanted to pull, but none of them rang true.  For the first time in his life, Bucky Barnes was at a loss for words when it came to a woman.  

“Your friend is going to be alright.  Looked worse than it is.  He’ll still be out of the game for a few months though.”

Bucky Barnes only blinked at you.  ‘Come on man, don’t just stare, say something!’

“I’m Y/N by the way.”

“Bucky”

“Thanks for covering me out there, Bucky.” You said.

God he loved how his name sounded rolling off your tongue.

What Bucky should have said was something along the lines of “no problem” or “anytime”. Not

“What were you thinking running in like that?” The words came out before he could stop them, and he wanted to smash his head into the nearest hard surface.  You don’t berate an angel while she’s tending to you.  Bucky braced himself for the indignant “why ‘cause I’m a woman” or the “would you be saying the same to your friends?” reply that was sure to come.  But it never came.

To his surprise you just smiled, amused.

“Well it’s been my experience that most men won’t shoot a woman.”

“Those weren’t ‘most men’, they were SS” god he needs to stop talking.

“Worse of the worse, trust me,  I know” something flashed in your eyes then quickly disappeared.  

Bucky replayed what Winters and Nixon had said, and started to get angry once again.  

“Even if they have no compunction in killing women and children, it’s still a shock to see one on the battlefield.  And it takes their brains a few moments to wrap itself around what they are seeing and what they should do about it.  And in those very important seconds I manage to get to where I need to go without getting shot.”  You stated simply, shrugging slightly.

“Smart.”  He did have to admit that.  Surprise was always a good element to have on your side.

“I have my moments.”

“Somehow I think you have a lot of them.” Bucky smiled back.

You smiled shyly, before looking up into his eyes.

“You have a beautiful smile, you should bring it out more often.”

Bucky felt his face blush, all the way to the top of his ears.  You however just smiled mischievously back at him, as if proud of yourself.

“Not much to smile about these days.” Bucky managed to say, breaking eye contact, and looking around at the ragged and weary men around him.

“Well, you’re alive.  That’s something to smile about.”

“Is it though…?”  

The words left his mouth before he could even think about it.  A shadow fell over him then, and once more Bucky found himself strapped to that metal table.  Bucky looked at his hands, and he swore he could see the HYDRA poison shifting underneath his skin.  Bucky felt you place a finger under his chin and lift it slightly, forcing him to look into your Y/E/C eyes.  What he found there was not the pity he feared to see, but understanding, true understanding.  You saw him, saw through him, saw deep into his soul, saw the growing darkness there and didn’t flinch back.  You moved your hand to cup his jaw and neck, looking deeply into his storming blue eyes.

"Where there is life, there is hope.  It might not be much, but it’s a start.  It’s the little things, the silver linings, those are things to smile about, to hold onto.”  

You paused, hoping the words would reach him, and drag him back from the abyss.  

Bucky smiled slightly.

"You’re very up you know that?”

You smirked, letting go of his face, Bucky moaned the loss.

He felt as though your touch alone had somehow been keeping the darkness at bay.

“Well otherwise they win… And I won’t let them win…I can’t…”  It was your turn to find your hands interesting.

You began picking at the dry blood on them. No matter how much you cleaned them, you couldn’t get all the blood off.  So many wounded…so many dead.  Bucky watched as the light in your eyes dimmed.  He reached out to put a hand on your shoulder.  But when you flinched ever so slightly snapping your gaze back up at him, fear flashing in your eyes, it stopped him dead in his tracks. Keeping his eyes locked on your face, he retreated his hand and took yours into his, moving ever so slowly, giving you every opportunity to withdraw at any point.  He watched you watch his movements intently, while being miles away. He squeezed your hands gently, rubbing his thumbs over the back of your hands, trying to pour as much comfort as he could into the simple motion.  You stayed like this for a moment.  Bucky wanted to say something, anything to bring you back from wherever you were.

“When they overran the aid station, I knew if they didn’t kill me… If I was taken prisoner… . ….  They might of been SS, racial purity and all that crap… But they were still men.  Men with desires…. They’re mistake was not killing me right away…”  You said softly, watching Bucky’s thumbs rub circles into your hands.

You kept your focus on his hands.  Bucky squeezed your hands again.  Trying to let you know you didn’t have to tell him, but that he would be here if you did.  You wanted to tell him, needed to tell him.  This man who also had terrible things done to him.  This man who would understand you.  

So you kept going.

 

_You never had a chance, they had surprised you and overran you so quickly it was actually impressive.  As they rounded up the survivors, you knew there was something different about these soldiers.  Or rather similar, they all looked the same, blonde with blue eyes. And then you saw the unmistakable patch on one of their lapels.  SS.  So this is where you die then._

_As you got pushed towards the rest of your group you realized you were actually being lined up.  The SS pushing you to your knees.  You looked down the line, making eye contact with your fellow soldiers, there were no delusions here.  You all knew what was about to happen.  The majority of the SS then took a step back as one took a step forward, pulling out his pistol._

_Bang! Thud_

_Bang! Thud_

_Bang! Thud_

_You felt the men beside you flinch every time the gun went off, and knew their eyes closed tightly and jaws clenched with the resounding thud of a body hitting the frozen ground._

_Bang! Thud_

_Bang! Thud_

_Blood splattered on the side of your face, moments before the body of the man beside you hit the ground.  Mike, you think his name was._

_You didn’t look up, as you saw the boots stop in front of you.  Not because you weren’t angry and defiant, because you were, you had no fear of staring death down.  You just didn’t want your last moments to be filled with that monsters face._

_You felt the cold metal of the pistol under your chin as the SS soldier forced you to look up at him.  You looked at him defiantly.  He just smiled, then said something in German to the others.  Next thing you knew you were being dragged off by two men, with a handful more following… excited.  You fought back as best you could, Your screams being drowned out by the continued gunshots as you were dragged to a nearby bushy area._

 

“Hey… you don’t have to…”

“I know…”  you said looking at your linked hands, Bucky’s thumb rubbing circles into your hand.  The simple movement and the warmth of his touch was so comforting.  For the first time since this war began, you felt safe, truly safe.  This man, and his simple and gentle touch made you feel safer than an entire company of men ever had, and that’s why you continued.  You needed to say the words, to not carry this on your own, have someone else know, someone who would, who could understand.  Bucky sensed you needed to tell your story, and he was honoured you chose him.  So he listened.  Gently squeezing your hand, letting you know he had you.

“I tried to fight them off for the first few minutes, but I realised that wouldn’t get me anywhere.  They were bigger and stronger than me.  I was better off letting it happen, while I focused on figuring out how to survive it. …”

 

_It worked, they lowered their guard, as they took turns.  Since you had stopped struggling, they had stopped holding your arms and legs down. And ever so slowly you inched your hand towards the small scissors you kept in one of your coat pockets._

_When they had tore open your clothes, they had noticed the small scars littering your chest, abdomen, arms and legs. Someone had cut into you before. And that sparked an idea in one of them._

_He dragged the knife down the side of your throat to your collarbone.  Your blood temporarily warming your freezing skin as it ran down your neck to the ground. He knew what he was doing, missing your carotid artery so you wouldn’t bleed out, at least not yet._

_You waited for the SS currently on top of you to climax, before jumping into action.  You lodged the scissors deep into his neck and pulled back, blood spurting. The sudden appearance of spurting blood and a gurgling comrade had surprised the others long enough for you to reach for the handgun on his belt and start firing.  A few managed to get off a few rounds, but you used the man that had been on top of you to shield yourself, and fired back.  The whole thing was done in less than 30 seconds._

_You got up, and immediately got dizzy and fell back to your knees.  ‘No no no no no no, get up Y/N, the others will be coming.  You need to get up!’ You told yourself, but you were so tired. You placed a hand on your neck, the blood didn’t feel wet, it had stopped bleeding and that was good news. But you figured you must of still lost quite a bit of blood, you felt cold and sweaty, and you really just wanted to sleep.  Shakily you stood up and pulled up what was left of your pants, closed your coat as best you can, and started in the opposite direction of the approaching German voices._

 

“Turns out I’m not that bad of a shot.“ You looked him in the eyes and smirked.

Did you just make a joke?  In the middle of retelling the most horrific event of your life? Bucky couldn’t help but smirk back. You were something else.

You refocused on your hands before continuing.

 

_The SS that hadn’t been participating in the side “fun” finished up with the rest of their “prisoners”.  When the first shot rang out, they all figured the fun was over.  When the second and third shot rang out, they figured it was target practice.  When the other shots rang out, they became concerned, especially after none of their comrades came out of the bush to rejoin them. And when they were met by silence after their call outs, they realized something had gone terribly wrong._

_You had managed to get further away than you had expected.  But the SS still caught up to you.  They were angry, very angry.  How dare a woman…a woman!… shoot and kill their comrades.  Forget that fact that they were rapping you, cutting you, and going to kill you.  How dare you fight back!_

_The punches and kicks kept coming as you pulled yourself into a fetal position on the frozen ground trying in vain to protect yourself._

_Eventually someone pulled a pistol out and yelled for the others to stop.  He must have been an officer, as the others immediately stopped.  You moaned on the ground as you turned slowly onto your back, only to begin a coughing fit, forcing you back on your side as you coughed up blood.  How were you still conscious?_

_He ordered you onto your knees, well you figured that’s what he yelled as you were unceremoniously yanked up to your knees after you didn’t comply.  The officer placed the pistol to your forehead.  You forced your eyes open and smiled._

_“Hure” he yelled and back handed you, before placing the pistol back to your forehead.  You just laughed even more._

_Just as the officer was about to pull the trigger, a car pulled up and a single man came out.  Immediately the SS snapped to attention, the ones holding you up dropping you in the process.  Words were exchanged, the new officer berating the SS.  Clearly displeased with them, if tone of voice was to be believed. You were about to find out that they were supposed to take prisoners, not kill everyone that survived.  The newofficer came towards you.  He was dressed in an SS uniform, however you noticed that the SS insignias were replaced by an ugly octopus.  ‘Oh what fresh hell was this going to be?’  You thought.  This strange officer grabbed your chin with his gloved hand._

_“Idiots, what part of take prisoners is so hard to understand?”_

_Was he actually asking you or was he being rhetorical?_

 

“'You are very far from home fraulein.  Lucky for me, HYDRA can always use woman subjects’. The way he said ‘subjects’, I’ve never wanted a bullet in the brain more than I did at that moment.”

“I know what you mean”  Bucky said, his eyes looking into the distance, finding himself suddenly back there again.

“So that’s why”  your voice was soft and comforting, but mostly… knowing.  Your voice pulled him back to the present.

Bucky crocked an eyebrow up as you looked at each other.  Your gaze left his face and went to his jacket just as your hand lifted the lapel.

“Blue is an odd colour to wear for a sniper. But it does bring out your eyes.”

“Well… Gotta match Steve.”

You started laughing.

“Ah yes, the Spangled man with a plan.”

“That is a horrible theme song.”

“That it is”  You laughed out loud  "but I don’t see you with a theme song"  You pointed out.

“Fair point… Fair point”  Bucky laughed.

You fell into a comfortable silence, as you continued to clean his cut.  Bucky’s gaze began drifting down from your face.

“My eyes are up here soldier.”  You said playfully.

Bucky suddenly felt flustered “I… I wasn’t… Honest!”

He hadn’t been looking at your chest as you’d implied.  Besides even if he had been, the army jacket engulfed all your female attributes.  The army jacket that was too big on you, with its sleeves rolled up.  A jacket that had been patched up more than a few times, that it was now more patch up than original coat.  A jacket that had brown bloody stains covering the front and sleeves.  A jacket that was still summer issue, and not the winter issue you should have had.

It really didn’t do much for your figure, if it wasn’t for your face and your braided long hair, you’d never guess a woman was standing in front of you.  

His gaze had actually drifted to your neck where in the small opening of your army jacket he saw a still somewhat angry scar run down the side of your neck and disappeared into your jacket.  Bucky’s jaw clenched in anger.

 

_When the smoked cleared, Easy Company began taking survey of the surrounding area.  They had intercepted a transport.  Well they had intercepted 3 army trucks and one fancy car.  Based on the number of now dead soldiers, the troop trucks had been intended to carry prisoners.  But Easy Company only found 1, you.  They had found you in the wreckage of one the now overturned trucks, tied up.  When Sgt Randelman turned you over, he 1) hadn’t expected you to be alive, and 2) definitely hadn’t expected you to be a woman._

_You remember waking up to people speaking good English, and that had initially confused you.  But then you heard someone say something about how you shouldn’t even be alive, let alone in as good a condition as you were. Good condition?  You hurt everywhere, even down to the roots of your hair!_

_Another voice pointed out the scar on your neck.  Wait a minute, scar?  How long had you been out?  You had passed out shortly after your body had hit the truck bed, after the SS had thrown you into the troop truck, making sure to tie you up first.  You do remember being jolted back to consciousness once gunshots went off and things started to explode.  But you were pretty sure between then and now a day hadn’t gone by. Well there was only one way to sort this out.  Slowly you opened your eyes._

 

“All cleaned up.  Doesn’t look like you’ll need stitches, it’ll look real angry for a bit but shouldn’t scar.  Which is good, wouldn’t want anything to mess up that pretty face of yours”.

Bucky started blushing, again!  He didn’t think he’d ever had a dame make him blush before, let alone twice.

You didn’t seem to notice though as you were putting your stuff away.  Someone called out your name, you looked up as Doc Roe motioned for you to come over. “I’ll be right there!” You looked back at Bucky, “No rest for the wicked” you said and patted his shoulder with a smile as you walked away.

Steve had been watching the exchange between the two of you.  He realized that it had been a while since he had seen Bucky smile.  And this made his heart clench as he was now heading towards his best friend.

“Cpt”

“Lt”

You exchanged as you crossed paths.  Steve came to a stop beside Bucky, and gave him a once over.

“I never thought I’d see the day where the infamous Bucky Barnes was at a loss for words in front of a dame.”

“Shut up punk.”

Steve just chuckled.  

“You’re in way over your head pal.”

As you walked away towards Doc Roe and his patient, Bucky smiled and found himself staring at your back, his eyes drifting down to where he imagined your perfect butt was hiding under that shapeless army uniform.

“Eyes up soldier, and I suggest you keep them up.”

The deep voice made Bucky jump, as he turned his attention to the owner of it he found a towering bulky blond man with a cigar in his mouth, flanked by two smaller men, a ginger and a dark haired man. All looking at him ready to murder him for even daring to look at you.  A look he had often seen from the fathers of the girls he’d taken out dancing.

“No funny business mister, or even your pal Cpt America won’t be able to save you” the dark haired man said, pointing at Steve who was standing beside Bucky.

“Accidents have a way of happening out here.” The ginger added.

Bucky believed them, he had no doubt about it. He would later learn that your three knights in shining armour had been Sgts Bull Randelman and Malarkey, and Staff Sgt Joe Toye.  And that Easy Company was very protective of you.

Steve just raised his hands in mock surrender and smiled.  Yep, Bucky was in over his head.

~*~

TBC in Ch 3.


	4. Book 2 - Late '44 & Early '45 Ch. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: none I think.  
> Word count: 2331  
> Italics = flashback

~*~

They found themselves in a bombed out church for the night.  Everyone was minding their own, writing letters home or catching up on sleep. Bucky noticed you sitting in a pew in the front row of the church.  Easy Company was scattered near you but they had given you the whole front pew and a few behind in an attempt at giving you some privacy.

From where Bucky was sitting on the far side of the church with the other Howling Commandoes he could see your profile.  He had been writing a letter to his Ma when you had made your way from the back of the church, where you had been speaking with some of the boys, to the front pew.  Bucky tried not to stare, he really did honestly.  But you looked so tired as you raked your hand through your now messy braided hair, opting to simply undo the mess and let your hair loose.  And Bucky couldn’t help but be concerned. Not only had you spent the rest of the day patching up the wounded, after you were done, you had gone around and checked up on everyone else making sure they had eaten and that their socks were dry.  

He watched you take your medic bag off and unceremoniously plunk it on the pew, followed by taking off your jacket. Bucky had intended to avert his eyes when he realized you were then taking off your army sweater leaving you in an army green t-shirt.  But that’s when he saw them, the scars.  There was the one he had spied earlier, the angry one on the side of your neck that came down and disappeared under your collar, and also some smaller fainter ones on your arms.  It should of occurred to Bucky that it was odd that he could see them in the dimly lit church and from this distance, but it didn’t.  Instead he just felt anger start to boil in his veins.

The cold of the November air seeped quickly into your bones and you shivered violently.  You quickly put your jacket back on so as not to freeze, then sat down, rubbing your arms in an attempt at warmth.   You rummaged through your bag, then pulled out a needle and thread. Picking up the sweater, Bucky could now see it had a giant hole on the side of it.  An idea sparked in his mind.

 

“Here I’ll swap ya”  Bucky said.

You startled slightly, damn he was quiet, you hadn’t heard him get up and approach you.  But you relaxed immediately once you had realised who it was.  You looked up from your sowing, eyebrow raised as you looked up and saw Bucky holding out his hand with a sweater in it.  A nice, clean looking sweater you noted.

“Take it, it’s in better shape than yours”  He said as he sat down beside you still holding the sweater towards you.

You looked at him cautiously, as if trying to determine what game he was playing at.

“I’m not having you freezing to death on my conscience because you gave me your sweater”  You finally said.

Bucky chuckled softly, and smiled at you.

“I won’t, I don’t even wear it, my jacket’s warm enough.”

You looked at him, you’re so tired, your mind is trying to process what is happening, but a heard of turtles would be faster at this point.  Which means your weary, confused look stays longer on your faces than you would of otherwise have let it.  Bucky reads it as you still not quite believing him, and feels the need to elaborate so you’ll believe him and take his sweater and warm up.  It wasn’t lost on him that you were shivering under your coat.

“Ever since….ever since escaping HYDRA I seem to be running a little hotter than usual.”  Bucky hadn’t been able to look at you as he remembered that god forsaken place and what had happened there.  Which is why he nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt your hand on his chin moving his head towards the candle light.

“And healing faster too I’d say”.  You stated examining his healing cheek, a small tired smile on your face.

Bucky looked at you, as you dropped your hand, but your eyes never left each other’s.  God you were beautiful, the candlelight making you seem even more angelic.

“You promise you won’t freeze to death on me?”

Bucky nodded slightly.  “I promise.”

And with that you took the sweater from his hand. Shrugged your jacket off and quickly put the sweater on.  You smiled as you did so, it was warm and it smelled like him.  As your head peeked out the top you had to stop yourself from grabbing the collar and inhaling more of his sent in.  The smile on your lips suddenly vanished, and Bucky grew concerned.

“What’s wrong?  I know it’s a little big on you, and isn’t the most flattering colour… on anyone… and I suppose I could of washed it first too…”  Bucky rambled, desperate for your smile to return.  His ramblings seemed to work as you smiled at him once more.

“It’s perfect, thank you.  I…”

You felt the heat rise in your face as you looked down smiling.  Were you embarrassed?

“It’s just it smells like you… “

The shadows returned to your face as your gaze focused on a spot on the floor.

“And soon enough it’ll just smell like blood, and dirt…and death.”

Bucky didn’t know what to say to make the shadows dancing in your eyes disappear.  To make all the bad just disappear like you seemed to be able to do so easily for others.  So he reached out his hand towards yours, going slowly giving you enough time to back away if you chose to, before he placed his hand over yours.  He gave you a heartfelt squeeze.  Pouring as much comfort as he could muster in the movement. You gave him a grateful tight lip smile, before leaning your head on his shoulder and closing your eyes.  Bucky watched a single tear roll down your cheek. With his free hand he gently whipped it away.  He was going to say something, anything, but noticed that your breathing had evened out and you had fallen asleep.  Bucky’s heart both broke and exploded at the same time.  He was going to kill every single last Nazi SS and HYDRA on earth. There was nowhere they could go or hide that he won’t find them.  This war had made his angel shed a tear, and that just wasn’t gonna do.  

He gently draped your jacket over you with his free hand, and leaned his head on yours.  Here he was in a bombed out church in the middle of enemy territory, with poison flowing through his veins changing him, and he was the happiest he had ever been in his life.  And all you had done was rest your head on his shoulder.  Bucky hadn’t known you for very long, but he payed attention, and he knew this small gesture spoke volumes.  You had felt safe enough and comfortable enough in his presence to fall asleep on him.

Everything he had been through in this god forsaken war, the bad and the worse, all of it, was worth it to him if it meant it got him to this moment.  And as he closed his eyes, he prayed that he wasn’t going to mess it up, or die or something.

The men of Easy Company had all kept a watchful eye on you as you had made your way to the front of the church, all of them had stiffened up and slowly reached for their weapons when Barnes had stood up and walked towards you.  Watching his every move like a hawk.  They knew Captain America and the Howling Commandos were good guys, and they’d been nothing but respectful and accepting of you.  Many of them comparing you fondly to an Agent Carter they knew.  But they didn’t care, they didn’t know these guys, and they sure as hell weren’t about to trust any of them with you. Especially not pretty boy Barnes. And definitely not now that you had your head on his shoulder.  Which to be honest surprised them a little, you weren’t one for too much physical contact even when you initiated it, which was understandable considering everything you’d been through.

But it really shouldn’t of surprised them though, they had all seen the way you had looked at him.  How you’d beat Doc Roe to be the one to treat him.  How you seemed lighter, freer, happier whenever he was around. 

Everyone in the church had pretended not to hear the conversation between the two of you.  

Barnes didn’t know it yet, but he was about to get a company-wide “what are your intentions here” talk.  A talk that was going to happen sooner rather than later. And if the answer wasn’t satisfactory… well, let’s just say accidents have a way of happening on the battlefield you know.

At the back of the church Cpt Winters sighed, this could turn ugly real quick.

 Bucky had been so focused on you from the moment you had walked up that he hadn’t picked up on the shift in the air of the church, or that he now had several eyes painting targets on his back.  Steve however had noticed, leave it to Bucky to make a room full of enemies over a dame.

~*~

Bull woke up with a start.  It wasn’t a particular sound that had woken him, but rather the lack of a particular sound.  The lack of uncomfortable writhing and thrashing, the lack of pain filled whimpers and occasional cries that was normally heard against the backdrop of droning snores.  

Bull sat up, immediately reaching for his rifle, sleep fog dissipating instantaneously.  Something was off.  He scanned the church, nothing seemed amiss, except…. 

Bull shot to his feet when he noticed that the pew a few pews in front of him was empty. Murder filled his blood.  Rifle at the ready, he barrelled towards the front pew. Much like a bull in a china shop, pun intended, waking up his comrades as he barrelled by.  All of whom immediately stood up and grabbed their rifles, ready to engage whatever enemy there was.  Bull suddenly stopped dead in his tracks and lowered his rifle.  Visibly relaxing.  There you were, lying down on the pew, head to head with Barnes who was taking up the other half, still holding your hand.  Both of you dead to the world, in spite of the commotion that had just occurred.

“Y’all can go back to sleep boys, everything’s fine.” He said in his Arkansas accent and looking back at all of Easy Company, who’d the commotion had startled awake and sent them ready for action in seconds.  Bull reached down over the pew and readjusted your jacket over you.  The men of Easy, who had now also noticed your absence from the front pew, relaxed somewhat and returned to their makeshift beds.

Bull finally looked over at Rogers who had also walked over, probably in an attempt to protect his friend.  The man let out the breath he had been holding seeing his friend sleeping and smiled.

 

_Steve had woken up suddenly, something wasn’t right.  He scanned the church and relaxed when he saw the blue of Bucky’s jacket in the front pew.  It was still dark and most of the candles had burned out.  ‘What time is it?’ Steve thought as he looked at his watch.  Steve had to look at it again to be sure he had read that right.  Something caught Steve’s eye and he saw Sgt Randleman shooting up to his feet. Following his line of sight, seeing what, or rather who, had Randleman so fired up. Steve stood up, trying to make his way to the front of the church before the Sgt could make it_.  

 

“It’s the longest he’s slept in a row since Austria.”

Steve looked back at the other Howling Commandos, who had also stood up ready to fight at the commotion, as they resettled back down to go back to sleep.

“He doesn’t talk about what HYDRA did to him there. He thinks I don’t see, but I do.  Whatever Zola did to him, the experiments, it’s changing him.”

By rights Bucky shouldn’t even be here after what happened in Austria.  The army should of sent him home.  And Steve knew Bucky wanted to go home, but stayed for him.  He was pretty sure Bucky didn’t really trust anyone to have his back like he did.  Bucky had always had his back in all those back alley fights, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to not have it in the biggest fight in history.

Steve wasn’t sure why exactly he was telling Randleman this.  But he saw only understanding in the Sgt’s eyes.  Steve suspected Bucky wasn’t the only one sleeping a longer stretch than usual. Randleman turned around to go back to his “bed”.

“Out of all the dames I’ve seen Bucky with, he’s never looked at any of them the way he looks at her.”  Steve added.

Randleman simply nodded and walked away.  Steve knew Bucky was considered a ladies man. But he also knew that it wasn’t like that either.  Bucky wasn’t in it for a good time, like most other ‘ladies man’ out there.  Although Steve wasn’t naïve enough to think it didn’t happen every now and then, I mean some of the dames managed to hang around for a while, but ultimately never lasted very long.  Bucky had been looking for you ever since he had first kissed a girl when he was 5 years old.  And now that he had found you, he wasn’t going to let you go.  Regardless of what Easy Company thought of him.

~*~

TBC in Ch.4


	5. Book 2 - Late '44 & Early '45 Ch. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: mention of rape, violence, some fluff.  
> Word count: 1921  
> Italics = flashback

~*~

“Friendlies?” Cpt Winters whispered.

“‘Friendlies?’,Really?” You looked at him scrunching your eyebrows, “we’re in enemy territory, essentially surrounded, I tell you there’s a small group heading our way, and your first thought is ‘Friendlies?’ You’re very optimistic you know that.”

“Obviously you’ve been a bad influence on me.”  He replied, giving you a smirk.

You just rolled your eyes. 

 

_You usually walked with Cpt Winters or brought up the rear with the walking wounded.  But today you’d been walking with Bucky near the front of the formation, to much the displeasure of many.  You were too far in front for everyone’s liking, including Bucky’s. Well partly Bucky’s, the part of him that wanted to protect you against everything and everyone in this world. Not the part that wanted to be beside you every second of the day and night._

_Neither one of you said much as you were keeping an eye out for enemies as you all made your way closer to the HYDRA base.  Then suddenly you stopped walking.  Bucky turned around immediately, concern on his face, fearing the worse.  He hadn’t heard a shot._

_“Y/N?”  Bucky asked as you crouched down to one knee, he was very confused since he didn’t see any blood and you weren’t grabbing anywhere on your body in pain._

_You didn’t answer him, instead lifted your hand to shush him and closed your eyes.  Your gut was trying to warn you about something and you needed to focus to figure out what it was.  Easy Company recognised what was going on, and immediately circled around you, hunkering down, rifles pointed out in all directions scanning the forest.  The Howling Commandos, confused, followed suit, wondering where the danger was, and why Captain America hadn’t alerted them to it.   Cpt Winters quickly made his way to you, crouching down beside you, and waited patiently until you opened your eyes to tell him what was coming your way._

 

You had run into a patrol, and after a small skirmish had managed to capture a few prisoners.

You walked up to one of the prisoners, having taken the pistol off of Cpt Winters as you passed him.  And now were pointing it at his head, anger radiating off of you. Steve went to move to stop you when he felt Bucky’s hand grip his arm, stopping him in his tracks.  Steve looked at his friend in confusion, then at the others who simply looked back at him unconcerned about what was happening. 

It was obvious to everyone that you had met this prisoner before, and that it had been under less than pleasant circumstances.

A staring contest of sorts seemed to ensue between you and the prisoner.  You debating whether or not he was worth the bullet, and the blood on your hands.  Your hands were already covered in blood you could never seem to wash off, granted it was mostly from the wounded you’d treated. You’d killed before, in self-defence, and you were pretty sure you would again before this war was over.  But this wouldn’t be self-defence, it would be vengeance, but it’s not like he didn’t deserve it.  So what’s a little more blood on your hands? 

But then again, it’s a little more blood on your hands that’ll never wash off.

Your eyes drifted to a patch on his uniform. “You’ve upgraded I see”  Using the pistol to point at the ugly HYDRA symbol.

“Fraulein.”

“No. You don’t get to speak to me.”  You said, pressing the barrel of the gun back to his forehead.  He stared at you defiantly, goading you into pulling the trigger.  Arrogant son of a bitch.  There was no shake in your hand as your finger made its way to the trigger. What’s a little more blood?

“He’s the first HYDRA man we’ve captured alive! He has intel we can use!”  you heard Steve say.  And the rational part of your brain told you Steve was right. He was the only one that hadn’t cracked down on a cyanide pill when he’d been captured.  The guys had managed to stop him before he did, ripping out the fake tooth.  This was an opportunity.  And he wasn’t worth the blood anyway.  You lowered the hammer of the pistol, lowering your arm in the process, and you began to turn away.

“Hure!”

You didn’t know much German, but you knew that word, whore.  They had called you that when they……  You suddenly felt their hands on your body and your vision went red. All the anger that had moments ago started fading away thanks to the rational part of you came crashing back.  Before you knew it, you were holding the pistol by the muzzle and bringing the butt crashing into his face.  Once that first strike hit, it all unraveled as you leveled hit, after hit, after hit. All the anger, the pain, the fear, the shame, all of it.

Steve made to stop you once more, but Bucky held him back and stepped forward.

“Doll”  Bucky said, barely above a whisper as he gently grabbed your arms from behind, effectively stopping you from beating the man to death.  Tears were streaming down your cheeks, blurring your vision.  Not that it mattered, your vision had gone red.

You whipped around ready to fight whoever had just stopped you.  Only to crash into a chest and be wrapped in strong arms, pinning you in place.  You fought the embrace for a few seconds, before you collapsed into it.

“I’ve got ya, it’s ok, I’ve got ya”.  Bucky whispered into your ear, as you let it all out, wrapped in his arms, safe from the outside world.

The prisoner moaned on the ground, and the sound broke through the spell of safety created by Bucky’s arms.  You pushed off of him and walked away, leaving the pistol with Bucky.  Smearing bright red blood from its handle onto his blue jacket across his chest. The prisoner rolled onto his back. How was he still conscious?  And in between bloody gurgling coughs, started to chuckle.

The gunshot resonated in the air. 

Bucky handed Winters his pistol back, and made to follow you.  

As it turns out, that would be the last shot Cpt Winters pistol would take for the rest of the war.

“Buck!” Steve called out, with a mixture of shock and anger.

Bucky didn’t stop however.  Steve caught up to him, grabbing his arm, forcing Bucky to stop and turn around.

“What the hell pal?”

Bucky didn’t answer, and avoided looking at his friend, deciding a patch of trees was worth his attention.  He didn’t want to be having this conversation, see the disappointment in Steve’s eyes.  Didn’t want to try to explain something he knew Steve wouldn’t understand.

“Drop it Steve.”

“No.  This isn’t you!  We don’t kill prisoners.  We have to be better than them.”

Bucky didn’t respond, shifting his gaze to where you were now sitting in silence, surrounded by a few men from Easy.

“Listen Buck I get it..”

“No you don’t Steve, you don’t get it at all. They don’t deserve to breathe. The only good HYDRA, is a dead one!”

“I don’t disagree on that, but we don’t kill prisoners Buck.  There has to be a difference between us and them.  It’s not just winning this war that’s important, but how we win it.”

Steve took a breath.  Bucky didn’t need a lecture right now, he needed a friend.

“I wasn’t there.  I don’t know what they did to you Buck.  I wish I was.”

“No you don’t.”

Thing was, he really did.

“What I do know is that this isn’t you.”  Steve pleaded, trying to get through to him.

“It is now.”  Bucky stated plainly and walked away, effectively ending the conversation. Steve let him go this time, watching him walk to you.

Well that went well.

Steve didn’t like to think about it.  It didn’t make sense.  But he really did wish he had been in Austria with Bucky.  He might finally be in the army like he had wanted, but Steve still very much felt apart from them.  The boys shared a bond, one that was forged in that camp in Austria. A bond that no matter how many missions they did together now, he would never be a part of. 

And Steve felt like he was loosing Bucky.  That he was slipping through his fingers and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

For the first time in his life, Steve felt that somehow Bucky had left him behind.

~*~

Even though you knew deep down that they didn’t think any less of you. You hated that you had broken down in front of the boys. You were suppose to be their rock. The one that was there to comfort them when they were scared, when they were calling out for their mothers.

Bucky knelt down in front of you.  Placing his hands over your still shaking ones and holding them tightly.

“Hey..”

You looked up at him, eyes red from crying, the tear tracks evident through the grime on your face.

“Why did you stop me?”

“Because you needed me too.”

Silence settled between the two of you as you looked into each others eyes.  Bucky placed one hand on your cheek, whipping the wetness away.  You leaned into his warm hand, as tear threatened to spill down once again.

“You’re the strongest person I know, and I know the Spangled Man with a Plan.”  Bucky added hoping to make you smile.  It worked when you gave him a small one, it really was a horrible theme song.

“Don’t hate him too much, he can’t help it. He’s your best friend.”

“I know.”

“We need him to be better than us, so we don’t loose ourselves, don’t loose sight of who we are.”

“I know…”  Bucky dropped his hand from your cheek to hold both your hands in his.  As he looked down at your hands in his he took a deep breath, gathering his courage before he continued, putting it all on the line. 

Bucky looked back at you, and winced internally at the nervous worried look on your face as you held your breath.  “I need you to know though.  If it comes to choosing between him and you.  I’ll chose you, doll.  Every time.”

Bucky meant every word, even though he hadn’t known you for that long, he felt like he’d known you all his life.  Had been waiting for you all his life.  You made him feel complete, whole.  You were his heart, his soul, his life.

You searched his eyes for any doubt, hesitation, or lie, but find none.  You let out the breath you hadn’t realised you were holding as your heart swelled so much you feel like it might explode.  You feel the tears of joy and relief start to form, as you give Bucky a relieved soft smile. You brought your hand to his cheek, brushing some dirt away with your thumb, brushing over the now completely faded scar.  Bucky let go of the breath he’d been holding after his confession, and mirrored your relieved smile.  You pulled your foreheads to rest together, closing your eyes briefly at the comfort of the simple contact, before opening them again to pull away slightly so you could look into his stormy blue eyes. 

“Well let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.  I’d hate to be the one that breaks up the Barnes-Rogers band.”

~*~

TBC in Ch. 5


	6. Book 2 - Late '44 & Early '45 Ch. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: None I think, maybe a little angst and a little fluff.  
> Word count: 4010  
> Italics = flashback

~*~

After a few more days of trekking deep into enemy territory.  And many complaints from Easy Company about how this would already be over and done with if they’d just parachuted in.  You’d finally arrived at your objective, the HYDRA base.  And by some miracle it still seemed like they had no idea you were coming, although that was quickly about to change.

Bucky was in position, his and Easy’s sniper Shifty’s job was to cover the advance from the high ground.  Bucky watched through his scope as the Howling Commandos and Easy Company advanced on the base.  It took everything he had not to keep trying to find you on the battlefield. He had a job to do, you had a job to do.  And he knew that if someone got hurt because he was more focused on keeping an eye on you, well let’s just say he’d be better off getting captured again.  Besides he knew you and Doc Roe were keeping up the rear, which eased his mind somewhat, well barely, but it was something.  ‘Silver linings’ he heard your voice say in his head, and that thought made him smile. Bucky refocused on the battlefield.

Things seemed to be going well at first, then HYDRA came out with those energy weapons.  To Easy’s credit, it didn’t take them long to regroup and refocus their efforts.  With the combined forces of Easy Company and the Howling Commandos, the HYDRA base was soon a smoking pile of rubble and dead HYDRA agents. And just as with previous HYDRA bases, the HYDRA agents that hadn’t been killed in the battle didn’t let themselves get taken alive. Despite that, valuable intel was still found, but nothing on Schmidt’ super secret HYDRA mother base.

‘This was getting redundant’, Steve thought as he walked through the pile of rubble and dead bodies. He looked around and saw Bucky helping with the wounded.  Luckily, Easy had suffered minimal losses, and there didn’t seem to be anyone too badly wounded.  Well, when the enemy has energy weapons that vaporise you out of existence, traditional combat injuries don’t tend to happen as much.

Steve had to smile, Bucky was never too far from you unless he absolutely needed to be.  Don’t get him wrong, Steve was very happy for Bucky, you two were meant for each other.  And when you were around it seemed to him that the carefree pre-war Bucky would shine through.  This war was changing them, hardening them, and anything that could bring some light back into their lives should be cherished.  And Steve did genuinely like you, you were one of the few people in this world that saw the man and not the shield when you looked at him.  And he could tell that you genuinely wanted to befriend him, and not just because of Bucky, but because you actually liked him and wanted to be his friend.  Yet Steve couldn’t help the pang of jealousy he felt towards you.  Steve knew his jealousy was born out of nonsense, he knew he wouldn’t loose Bucky just because you were now in his life.  Not unless Steve himself made him chose between the love of his life and his best friend.  And he knew you wouldn’t let that happen.  That was one of the reasons why he liked you so much, no other dame in Bucky’s life had ever placed any value in his friendship with Steve. You understood that Bucky needed Steve as much as Steve needed Bucky, and that it wasn’t a question of picking one over the other.  You both had a place in Bucky’s life.  But still, that irrational fear that Steve had had since they’d both hit puberty and girls started noticing his best friend and ignoring him, that fear that he would be left behind, all alone and abandoned, was a hard one to shake.

Steve had been so lost in his insecurities, that he hadn’t heard you come up and so he startled when you touched his arm.

“Steve?”

Steve looked at you blinking, trying to calm himself down.  You just looked at him with concern.

“Steve?  Are you ok?”

“Yeah Y/N, you just startled me.”

“Yeah, that’s my point, I shouldn’t of been able to sneak up on you, with your superman hearing and all.”

“I’m fine, just lost in thought, it’s been a long day.”

You didn’t quite believe him, but you didn’t say anything else.  You looked at him to continue, hoping he would trust you enough to open up to you, even just a little.  But Steve wasn’t about to tell you about his insecurities, especially since you were the reason they were rearing their ugly heads up.

You both starred at each other, in a silent showdown of sorts.  Would you chose to keep pushing?  Would Steve chose to open up? 

In the end you just smiled softly and patted his arm.

“I get it.”  you said as you turned around to leave.

Steve just looked at you and raised an eyebrow, giving you a look that was both curious and suspicious at the same time.

You took a couple steps before you turned back around to face Steve.

“You know, Bucky and I, we’re not going anywhere. You can’t get rid of us even if you wanted to, you’re stuck with us.  We’re all going to grow old together, best get used to the idea.”

“Assuming we survive this war first.”

Steve hadn’t meant to say that out loud. Hell, he wasn’t even sure where it had come from to begin with.  It had never occurred to him that he and Bucky wouldn’t make it out of it alive.  It was Bucky and Steve against the world, it had always been that way and it would always be that way, till the end of the line.

Besides he was Captain America now. ‘Yes, but you’re not indestructible’ he heard Peggy’s beautiful accented voice say.  

To Steve’s great relief you seemed to ignore his sudden doubt, and you had a small smile on your lips, like you knew something he didn’t.  

“Don’t worry Steve, we’ll survive it.  I know we will.”

And that is all Steve needed to squash that momentary doubt out of existence.  You were never wrong.

~*~

Easy Company was to return to base camp with the Howling Commandos, and after a long trek back you finally arrived early in the morning.  Easy hoped to get a few days rest before their next assignment.  Easy liked Italy, it was warmer than France this time of year, they weren’t in any rush to run back to a freezing winter in their still summer issue uniforms.

Once they arrived at camp however, Easy found out they had orders waiting for them to ship out the next day.  Seems the Allied Forces in France couldn’t do without them.  And so Cpt Winters ordered downtime.  The order of business quickly became: shower, eat, maybe sleep some, but definitely drink and party.

When the orders came down the line you were hoping for more time.  Both you and Bucky had been avoiding the subject, mainly because deep down both of you knew you’d be parting ways until the war ended, or life chose otherwise to bring you back together.  

Bucky of course hoped you would stay with him, but deep down he knew the boys needed you more.  He also knew you believed this wasn’t the end, that you would be together again, and have your happily ever after together.  But Bucky couldn’t help the growing feeling in his gut that this was the end of the line.  He’d just found you, he needed more time.

Life wasn’t fair.  

You turned to Bucky, ready to have a conversation you didn’t want to have.  You knew you’d be going with Easy, your gut told you that was your path, your path back home, and somehow your path to a life with Bucky.  Your heart however didn’t want to hear it, why do you have to leave him so you can be with him?  

What was tearing you apart the most though, was the growing worry for Bucky building in your gut.  Something was going to happen to him, something that would change both your lives.  You just couldn’t nail down what it was.  It was like trying to catch fog.  Your gut was never this vague and it frustrated you to no end, and giving you the worst migraine you’d ever had in the process.  How could you protect Bucky if you didn’t know what you’re trying to protect him from?  It’s a war zone for crying out loud.  It’s literally a thousand ways to die before breakfast.

Life wasn’t fair.  

But when you turned to face him, you saw sadness, but mainly understanding.  You both knew your paths needed to diverge for the time being.  Bucky pulled you into a tight hug, resting his chin on your head, as you buried your face in his chest.  This wasn’t forever, you would find your way back to each other and live happily ever after, that you were sure of.

But still, life wasn’t fair.

~*~

In an attempt to give you two some space, the men of Easy Company had begun to file towards the barracks across the parade square, where they would find showers and beds for the night.  Whereas the Commandos headed in the opposite direction towards their quarters in the brick building.  It wasn’t lost on the Commandos how incredibly comfortable their war was now compared to the rest of them.

Steve had watched Bucky pull you into a tight hug, refusing to let you go, as if he could stop time through sheer will alone.  Winters and Nixon headed his way, Steve’s attention however was turned when Col Phillips called his name.  He saluted the superior officer while his attention was on the woman following him.  Steve couldn’t help the smile that appeared on his face when he saw Agent Carter. When they got closer, Cpts Winters and Nixon saluted as they joined them.

The men of Easy Company had slowed their walk and turned around when they had heard Cpt Rogers name being called.  Was that the Agent Carter the Commandos kept going on about?  Hmmff.

Upon hearing the authoritative voice of Col Phillips, both you and Bucky ended your embrace and took a step away from each other.  It was one thing to be friendly on the battlefield.  But at base, where there were officers galore, military protocols, and a sense of decorum that had to be followed, a sensible distance between men and women had to be maintained.

Being Cpt America’s second in command, Bucky joined the group of officers and Agent Carter.  You decided to follow Bucky as he walked towards them.  After all you didn’t know yet where you’d be housed for the night.   Well that’s not entirely true, you had a pretty good idea where you would be waking up….  

As you reached the group, you saluted.  Col Phillips saluted back.

“So you’re Lt Y/L/N.” Phillips asked, a mixture of being impressed and extreme annoyance at what you represented evident in his tone.  Even with having worked closely with Agent Carter, he was still an old fashioned military man, and women did not belong in combat.

“Yes sir.”

“Hmmff.”  Phillips replied then turned his attention back to the captains expecting a debrief from the mission.

“I’m Agent Peggy Carter.”  The brown haired woman stated, extending her hand out to you.

“LT Y/N Y/L/N.”  You answered taking her hand.

“Agent Carter, why don’t you show the Lt where she’ll be staying the night and where she can get herself cleaned up.”  Col Phillips stated, leaving very little room for argument in his voice.

Peggy resisted the urge to roll her eyes at being essentially dismissed from the conversation being had just because she was a woman and therefore expected to take care of you.  Steve tried to hide his smirk at Peggy’s annoyance, and managed to give her a sympathetic smile.  Bucky gave her a look that said she better take damn good care of you or else. Captains Winters and Nixon seemed to be seizing her up to see if they could trust her or not.  And you just looked tired of it all, not hiding your eye roll at all.  Peggy smiled at that.  As she turned, she motioned for you to follow her towards the brick building.  

The two of you walked in silence, lost in thought, as Peggy led you down corridors and up stairs.

For your part, your silence was due partly from your lack of energy to socialise, but mainly because you were starting to feel self conscious.  You had caught yours and Peggy’s reflections in one of the windows.  One ragged and dirty, the other perfectly put together.  She was such a beautiful woman, flawless skin, perfect hair and makeup, beautifully manicured nails, a fancy accent, and she held herself with such confidence.  You on the other hand, could be considered pretty in a girl-next-door kinda way, but you’d never been good with doing your hair and makeup, which led you to usually leave your hair in a braid and not bothering with makeup, making you more of a plane-Jane type.  And now your skin was far from flawless with all the scars and bruises that littered your body, and your nails were hopeless with all the dirt and blood underneath them. You subconsciously pulled your jacket closed, trying to hide the large scar on your neck, as you suddenly felt very exposed and self-conscious.  You couldn’t compare to Peggy, and you just really wanted to crawl into a whole and hide.

Peggy had so much she wanted to say to you. How much she admired you for what you were doing, you were out there on the frontline fighting this war.  Not like her, who was forced to sit out mission after mission.  Who was letting herself be forced to sit out mission after mission.  She admired your courage to just go and do it regardless of what the world told you to do.  It’s a strength of spirit that reminded her of Steve in a way.  Peggy had so much she wanted to tell you, but when she caught both your reflections, no words would leave her mouth, they all fell flat.  You were tired, battered and bruised, dirty and bloodied.  Everything about your appearance said you’d seen too much, been through too much. She saw you closing your coat, closing in on yourself.  Peggy had noticed your scar, it was kind of hard to miss to be honest.  What you had been through was unimaginable, and how you were able to keep going inspired Peggy.  You looked so small and so tired in this moment, yet underneath it all laid a strength like no other.  A strength she envied.

Peggy finally reached a door and stopped.

“These will be your quarters for the duration of your stay.  Now I’m afraid it’s not much.”  She said as she opened the door.

Not much?  She does realise you’ve been sleeping on the ground for the better part of the last 4 years right?

You stepped into the small one bedroom.  The room was in a neutral pallet, had a single bed in the middle of the room, with a bright royal blue comforter and a knitted pale yellow blanket at the foot, a dresser, a wardrobe, a vanity, and a small dining table with a white table cloth.  The drapes over the two windows even matched the comforter.  It even had its own bathroom!  With a bathtub! If this was Peggy’s idea of “not much”…

Your attention was brought back to Peggy, when you felt her go pass you through the doorway.  You just now realized you hadn’t made it two steps into the room before you had stopped to admire your room.

Peggy had pulled out towels from the dresser, and had walked them into the bathroom.  Exhausted, you sat down on the bed, only to bounce slightly as it squeaked.

“I’m afraid the bed isn’t the most comfortable, new mattresses aren’t exactly high on the military’s list of priorities.” Peggy said apologetically.

“It’s fine.  It’s more than fine, thank you.”  You answered back, truly grateful that they would assign you your own quarters.

To be honest you had been expecting, and dreading, being housed in the women’s barrack.  You’d rather sleep in a foxhole than the women’s barracks.  You didn’t fit the mold with your forward thinking. You strongly believed that your sex did not define what you could or couldn’t do.  The only problem was the rest of the world didn’t think like that, and you didn’t have the energy right now to not let the disapproving gazes and whispers and barely concealed snickers of the other women get to you.  

Men’s misogyny was easy to deal with,  women’s misogyny on the other hand, that tended to cut deep.  

You knew you were probably already being referred to as the company harlot.  I mean what else would you be doing on the frontline surrounded by a company of lonely men?  

And then there would be the whispers and looks of sympathy about your scars.  They would all look at you in pity at your disfigurement.  

You knew there would be the odd woman that would actually defend and stand up for you, but they would be drowned out by the others.  Why was it so hard for women to support each other?

You at least wouldn’t have to worry about the men on base.  You knew the boys would protect your honour and keep the other men in check.  You also knew it wouldn’t take long for word to spread that you were with Bucky, and whereas that would keep the yahoos at bay, it would do nothing for you with the women.  You just couldn’t win.

“Well then, I will let you get cleaned up.  I will see if I can’t find you some fresh clothes.”

Peggy said as she turned to leave.  Bringing you out of your head.

“Peggy?”

She turned around to look at you.

“Thank you.”  

“Of course.  Get some rest.  I’ll see what I can find for you.”

Peggy left, shutting the door behind her.  The room became suddenly unbearably quiet.   You stood up from the bed and went to look out of the window, it had a lovely view of the parade square.  You wondered where Bucky was.  A creeping fear rose in you.  Would he still want you now that he was back in civilisation?  He was a good man and a very handsome one at that, he could get any dame he wanted, why would he stay with you?  No, stop thinking like that, don’t go down that rabbit hole.  He loves you you know that, even though he hasn’t exactly said the words.

Leaving the window and your insecurities there, you made your way to the bathroom and started running a hot bath.  You took your medic bag off and hanged it on the hook on the door.  You then took your jacket off and let it drop to the ground unceremoniously.  Sitting on the side of the tub, you bent down to undo your boots, dropping them beside your coat.  One clothing item at a time found its way on the growing pile on the ground.  All except Bucky’s sweater, that you gently place on the edges of the sink.  Once the bath was drawn, you slowly and gingerly lowered yourself into the hot water. You hadn’t realized how sore you actually were until you settled into the tub.  Closing your eyes you sank under the water.  Coming back up for air, you leaned your head back on the edge of the tub and let the hot water work on your sore body.  Closing your eyes once more, you didn’t see the water muddy as the grime slowly lifted off your body as you soaked.

You vaguely remember hearing Peggy come back. Saying something about having found you some new clean underwear, lending you a silk robe, and leaving a platter of food for you on the table.  You’re pretty sure she even came into the bathroom and grabbed your dirty clothes off the floor.

It was about an hour before you opened your eyes again.  The water was becoming really cold.  Opening your eyes you sat up with a sigh.  Urgh, the water was practically black.  You reached for the plug at the bottom of the tub and pulled it.  You watched the water drain like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.  Once the last of the dark water swirled into the drain, you replaced the plug and turned the taps back on.  This time reaching for the soap and face cloth.

You’d eventually managed to get rid of several layers of dirt, blood, and grime.  Well, that’ll do you suppose.

You stepped out of the tub, reaching for the large towel and wrapped it around yourself.  Walking into the bedroom, you stopped at the table and grabbed a piece of bread and took a bite out of it.  You noticed the clean bra and underwear on the bed, as well as a red silk robe.   Finishing your bread, you walk over and put on the underwear.  You were surprised to find it actually fitted you pretty well.  You put the robe on, and using your towel began drying your hair.  Stepping to the vanity you found a comb, and sitting back on the side of the bed again began combing out your hair.

It didn’t take you long to realise you had no clothes to put on.  Peggy had indeed picked up your dirty clothes, including Bucky’s sweater, and had not returned with another set of clothes.  You sat down at the table and ate the rest of your small plate, then decided to lay down on the bed.  Might as well take a nap, it’s not like you could go anywhere in just a silk robe and combat boots.

You tossed and turned a little trying to find a comfortable spot.  The springs creaking every time you moved, making you bounce a little every time. Urgh, the bed was too soft.  But your body had already given into the idea of sleep, and you gave up trying to get comfortable and just let slumber engulf you.

~*~

After Steve and him were done with their mission debrief, Bucky had headed straight for the showers.  Once he was cleaned and changed, Bucky came by to get you to go to the mess hall.  

He knocked on the door, but got no answer.  Maybe you weren’t there.  After a few more knocks Bucky opened the door and walked in cautiously.

“Y/N?  You in here? You decent?”  

Bucky stopped in his tracks when he found you sleeping on your side on the small bed, your damp hair splayed out, your chapped lips slightly parted, wrapped in a red silk robe, that was resting rather high on your thighs.  The image doing things to him.  

Closing the door behind him, Bucky grabbed the blanket off the foot of the bed and draped it over you, in a attempt to stop the racing thoughts going through his mind.  But lets be honest, he was going to spend many nights thinking about you this way.

As he tucked you in you began to wake up slightly.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Mmm, lay down with me.”  You asked rolling sleepily onto your back and reaching for him.

Bucky didn’t hesitate, laying down beside you as you rolled into his arms.  Bucky held you tight, breathing you in.  With your face buried in his chest,  his sent and warmth filled your senses.  You sighed contently, you were safe, you were home.  You fell back into a peaceful sleep.

~*~

TBC in Ch. 6


	7. Book 2 - Late '44 & Early '45 Ch. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: Some angst, some fluff. The usual.  
> Word count: 3414

~*~

Peggy was on a mission to get you new clothes. Your uniform wasn’t worth laundering in her opinion, but the Supply Sargent wasn’t agreeing with her.  The only new uniform Scrooge would issue for you was that impractical white nurse’s uniform, clunky heels, and a wool “cape-coat”.  He didn’t seem to care that you were a frontline nurse and entitled to combat greens, this was the uniform he was issuing to you, so take it or leave it.  And so Peggy begrudgingly grabbed the uniform from the supply Sargent and brought the rest of your clothes to be laundered.

When Peggy had returned, she’d promptly kicked Bucky out before handing you what she had found.  The white nurse’s uniform fitted you pretty well, and Peggy had even given you a pair of her stockings to wear.  Which you were grateful for, since it help hide the small faded scars and bruises on your legs.  She then helped you pin your hair out of your face, and put that god awful white cap on your head.  Peggy had also brought some makeup, but she hadn’t been sure what colour palette you preferred.  Regardless you decided to pass on it, not because they were the wrong colours, because they weren’t, but because you didn’t want to have to ask Peggy to help you with it.   And you didn’t want her to look down on you because of it either.  There were some things every women should know how to do, hair and makeup being one of them.  

Sitting at the vanity, you looked at yourself in the mirror and couldn’t believe it, you were barely recognizable.  The boys were going to have a heart attack seeing you all cleaned up and in a skirt.  But there was only one you really wanted to impress.  Which almost made you swallow your ego and ask Peggy for help with the makeup.  You decided to compromise, and went with simple mascara and lipstick, those were pretty basic and hard to mess up.  You chose the least ‘in your face’ shade of red out of the few lipsticks she had brought.  You’d never been a fan of the red that was all the rage these days, but you wanted to make a bit of a bang.  When Peggy saw you were going to put makeup on after all she tried to offer you some eye shadow, foundation powder, and blush, but you just shook your head at them.  Those you had no idea how to put on properly and not look like a cheap harlot in the process.  Besides, your face was probably the only place on your body that wasn’t littered in scars and bruises, so why hide it behind layers of powder?  Now the scar on your neck on the other hand…

You were developing quite the love-hate relationship with it.  On the one hand you wore it like a badge of honour, a symbol of the pain and suffering you had survived, of your resilience, of your courage, of your strength. Saying to the world: The monsters tried to kill me, break me, but I defeated them and I emerged victorious.  But on the other hand, it wasn’t the prettiest thing to look at.  This long, jagged, raised bit of dark pink flesh was hard to miss, and made you feel self-conscious, ugly, unclean.  It made you feel shame, for what had happened to you, for being violated, for not being able to stop it.  It made you feel undesirable and unlovable.  It telegraphed to the world that you were tainted, damaged goods.  Who could want such a broken thing?  

Peggy had noticed how your gaze had gone from the foundation powder to your scar and the look of consideration on your face. So she took the powder and placed the lid back onto it.

“You don’t need that”. She said, twisting the lid shut.  “Barnes is going to have a heart attack when he sees you.”  She added smirking and raising her eyebrows playfully.

You smiled and blushed a little at that as you got up from the vanity and picked up your boots.  Sitting down on the side of the bed to put them on and began  lacing them up. Turns out Sgt Scrooge didn’t have those awful heels in anything near your size, so combat boots it was.  Not that you were too upset over it, you’d been wearing combat boots for the last few years, and you weren’t sure you even remembered how to walk in heels.

Peggy looked at your cleaned up combat boots and once again apologised for not being able to find you proper shoes.  Her apology was lost in your frustration with your boots, as you unlaced one and tried again.  Why was it you always ended up with one boot too tight?  This shouldn’t be rocket science for crying out loud!

As you finally finished lacing up your boots, you looked at them again.  It was amazing what a few layers of polish could do, could hide.  If you didn’t look too closely, you’d almost believe they were new.  Part of you thought the boots tied the whole outfit together rather well actually. The other part, a smaller part of you, the “1940s womanly standards and expectations” part was mortified that your outfit was mismatched.  And you briefly wondered if Bucky would care, if he would be disappointed.  

Peggy noticed your introspection, and recognise the doubt that was trying to creep up.

“Barnes is not going to notice your feet.  Trust me.”  She said, putting a hand on your shoulder and squeezing gently.  Effectively stopping your doubts in their tracks.

You looked up at her with a grateful smile and a head nod.  She was right.  And even if he did, he wouldn’t care.  You knew that, deep in your bones, you knew that.  You’d worn deadmen’s clothes, been covered in blood and grime, he’d seen many of your scars, and he still thought you were the most beautiful woman in the world.  But those damn insecurities could be stubborn bastards and hard to shake sometimes.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Peggy pull something out of her pocket and hand it to you.  You recognised what it was immediately and scoffed.

“One more thing.”  She said as she handed you a new shiny silver 1st Lt bar and gold caduceus medical pin.

“Can’t get me a new uniform, but these you have?” You shook your head, as you took the bar and pin.

"Yes well, you know the military.  God forbid you don’t know who to salute.”

You started laughing as you looked at the silver bar and gold medical pin in your hand.  God forbid indeed.

~*~

You shivered as the cold November air nipped at your legs as you stepped outside heading towrds the mess hall.  In reality it wasn’t really that cold, it’s just you were used to wearing pants and not a skirt and nylons.  You were grateful for the wool cape though, the white nurse’s uniform was rather thin fabric.

You were also grateful to be walking with Peggy. She had a way of parting the Red Sea so to speak.  Soldiers got out of the way when she approached, and then kept their distances. Which meant you didn’t have to worry about cat-calls or fending off the yahoos that would try to pick you up for a night of “fun”, since you were obviously the new meat in town.  The looks of interest that were sent your way, on the other hand, were hard to ignore.  Guess the word that you were taken hadn’t spread as quickly as you’d hoped, or they just didn’t care. 

You were glad once you entered the mess hall.  One: because it was warm and smelled of real food, you couldn’t even remember the last time you’d had a real meal.  And two: because you immediately spotted Bucky, and when you saw his ocean blue eyes meet yours you lit up with a smile.  It occurred to you it should have been the other way around, until your stomach growled. Sorry sweetheart, but food wins this round.

When Joe Toye let out a whistle, Bucky’s attention had moved from the conversation he’d been having with Bull to the entrance. To say he was stunned when he saw you was the understatement of the century.  Every thought left his mind with his breath when he saw you.  You were a vision, an angel.  His angel.  And so he just sat there looking at you with a goofy grin on his face as you walked towards him.

Everyone’s attention was now turned towards you as you made your way to Bucky’s table.  A few more of the boys let out whistles of their own, others throwing comments of disbelief at your appearance.  Who knew there was a beautiful woman underneath that shapeless green uniform?  And why had you been holding out on them?  It all made you blush and shake your head as you smiled bashfully.  You knew their comments came from a place of respect and friendship, from a safe place, and not barely concealed sexual desire. Easy was very much like the older brother who sees his younger sister in her prom dress all dolled up.  Proud of the beautiful woman she is, but protective of her as well.

When you finally reached Bucky’s table, you stood there blushing and embarrassed from the attention you were getting from your boys and found your feet very interesting.  And in there lied the contradiction.  You had wanted to make a bang, make an impression.  But now that you had, you didn’t know how to react to it.

“Damn girl, you clean up good!”  Joe said. “And the boots!  Love it!  Really ties the outfit together.”

Thank god for Joe, you thought, he always knew how to cut through your embarrassment and shift your focus.

“Thanks Joe, I think so too.”  You replied showing off your boots.  “Although I don’t think Col Phillips agrees.  Passed him on the way here, he didn’t seem too impressed.”

The little exchange seemed to kick Bucky out of his stupor, and he stood up and helped you with your coat.

“You look amazing doll.”  He whispered in your ear, inhaling your scent, before pulling a chair out for you.

You sat down, smiling like a school girl. Your face having heated up after feeling Bucky’s breath on your neck, the heat of his body so close to yours, with his scent enveloping you.  The boys were nice enough not to tease you about it, they were just so happy to see you so happy.

After asking you what you’d like to eat, Bucky left the table to go get your food.

The boys at the table, a mix of Easy men and Howling Commandos all complimented you on your appearance.  A few even making fun of the stupid little hat.  You’d never felt prettier in your life.  Sheltered in the bubble created by your friends, you missed the change in the air that had happened when Bucky had whispered in your ear.  Broadcasting to the whole camp that you were his, or he was yours, depending on who’s point of view you looked at.

The other nurses and women in the mess hall were hiding their jealousy poorly.  You were pretty, sure, in a girl next door kinda way, despite your scar.  So what did you have that the other girls here didn’t?  How did you manage to catch Bucky?

Every single, and even some married, female members of the base had flirted with Bucky and had been very obvious about what they wanted.  Sometimes he’d flirted back, had taken a few of them dancing even, the ones that seemed to want more from him than just a night of passion.  But at the end of the night he had always left them at their doorstep wanting, and bided them a goodnight. 

To be honest, Bucky was confused as to why the dames still kept coming back for more, he was sure by now the word would have spread that he never took a girl to bed at the end of the night and they would’ve stopped trying by now, knowing they wouldn’t get anywhere.  Women did talk to each other after all.

However that didn’t seem to stop the women from trying to get into Bucky’s bed.  To try and be the one to finally get Bucky Barnes, Cpt America’s handsome best friend.

Bucky kept up the charade only to keep Steve from asking him what was wrong, and having to rehash Austria with him.  He didn’t want to have to tell Steve that ever since Austria, it’s not that he didn’t want to, it’s just he couldn’t, it didn’t feel right, he didn’t feel right.  He didn’t feel clean, he didn’t feel worthy of that kind of affection.

But now, with you…..you made him feel clean and worthy of being loved.  You brought life and light back into his dark and weary soul, lead him away from the edge of the abyss that threatened to swallow him.  And he wanted to be with you in every sense that mattered.

Bucky hadn’t missed the glaring looks that the women were giving you since you’d sat down.  Thankfully you didn’t seem to notice.  He also didn’t miss the “nice catch” smirks and the jealous glares of the men directed at him either.  That’s right folks, she’s my angel so back off!

“Leave it to you Barnes to break the hearts of an entire room”. Peggy said in ways of greeting as he met up with her and Steve at the kitchen counter.

Steve smirked, ‘just like the good old days’ he thought.  To be honest, he had started to get concerned about Bucky when he started not taking out girls dancing as often as he had back in Brooklyn.  Granted they were in the middle of a war and being run ragged trying to stop HYDRA.  But still, it was dancing, and there were few things Bucky loved more than dancing.  And the dames were literally throwing themselves at him, and Bucky was just politely shrugging them off.  So yes, Steve was starting not to buy the ‘I’m too tired’ excuse Bucky would usually feed him when Steve would look at him questioningly after he’d turned down yet another dame.  

Steve wasn’t an idiot, he knew the stuff Bucky had gone through since getting to Europe was going to change him somewhat, and that’s not even counting the whole HYDRA thing.  But it felt like Bucky was slowly being dragged into a dark abyss. And Steve was desperately trying to hold onto his friend, but was slowly loosing his grip.  This war needed to end before it cost both their souls.

Bucky just shrugged, he couldn’t care less what the men and women of the base thought.  He was the luckiest man in the world as far as he was concerned.  And those who’s opinion mattered to him would be happy for him.  You were his and he was yours and that’s all that mattered.  He looked back at you, smiling as he watched you talking.  As if you knew he was looking at you, you turned his way and smiled back.  Yes, he was the luckiest man in the world.

Bucky came back to the table with your tray of food, and sat down beside you smiling.  And in a move that Steve was sure was to both make it clear and stir things up, Bucky leaned in and quickly kissed the side of your head, before scooting even closer to you without actually openly putting his arm around you. You just looked at him and smiled happily, before one of the boys made a gagging sound and you threw a piece of bread at him for breaking your moment.  Making the whole table erupt into laughter. 

Yes Bucky was the luckiest man in the world.

~*~

The Howling Commandos had told the men of Easy about this pub that was in town, and had told them to meet them there later on tonight for drinks and merriment.  This pub was one of the few still intact buildings in the town, and therefore tended to be a rendezvous point for both base personnel and the town’s people.  It offered good food, good drink, and a decently sized dance floor.

Bucky had asked you out on a date tonight to said pub.  You’d been smiling, excited, as he had asked you, but your smile faltered when he mentioned dancing.  Something that didn’t go unnoticed by Bucky.

“If you’d rather do something else…”

“No, no.  I want to go on this date with you, it’s just… I’m not a very good dancer, like at all, so as long as you don’t mind getting your toes stepped on all night…” You tired to explain.

“Don’t worry doll, I’ll teach you.”  Bucky said, thinking this was an easy fix.

But rather than make you feel better, your face fell even more when he said that.

“What is it?”  He asked concerned.  Was there something else?  Did he miss something?

You didn’t answer, and you avoided looking at him, finding your hands very interesting as you picked at a small scratch. How were you going to explain this?

“Hey, look at me.”  He said as he gently put a finger under your chin making you look up at him.  “Talk to me.”

Bucky could feel the building anxiety rolling off of you.

When you finally looked up at him, his stormy blue eyes were filled with nothing but love, letting you know this was a safe place, that you were safe with him, that he had you.  And you relaxed somewhat. 

“It’s just… people… guys… have tried to teach me before, they all just get frustrated and give up, and I end up ruining the night.  And I don’t want to ruin our night.”

So that’s what it was?  You were afraid your poor dancing skills would turn him off?  Would make him want you less?  That was ridiculous, Bucky thought, you could never.

“You’re not going to ruin the night doll.  I’m not going to get frustrated with you, and I will never give up on you, I promise you.”  Bucky said, as he held your hands, stopping you from picking at the scratch.

“You say that now, but I’m really, really bad…” You tried again.

“So?”  He said cutting you off. 

Bucky really wasn’t seeing how this was still an issue.  He didn’t care if he spent all night showing you, and you ended up still stepping on his toes by the end of the night.  He just wanted to be with you.  Couldn’t you see that?

You sighed.  Why wasn’t he getting it?  You would just end up ruining the night because you were two left feet.  And you didn’t want to be the reason that he stopped dancing, something he loved to do.

“I’m not going to get it in one night, not even a little, that’s how much I suck at dancing.”  You tried explaining again.

“And?” 

“It could take forever.  Are you honestly willing to spend forever with me stepping on your toes?”

“Yes.  And you say that like it’s a bad thing when it’s not.”

“Isn’t it though?  Steve says you love to dance, and I can’t be the dance partner you deserve. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t because I can’t.  I don’t want you to stop doing something you love, because I can’t follow.”

Bucky just smiled at you lovingly.  God you were so adorable sometimes.

“Doll, as long as I get to have you in my arms that’s all I care about.  We’ll make our own dance moves.  And if you really want to learn, I’ll spend forever showing you how, even if you never get it.  And I promise you I’ll love every second of it because I’ll be with you.”

That was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to you, and you now had tears in your eyes.  How had you gotten so lucky? 

“I like the sound of that.”  You answered, letting a tear roll down your cheek as you smiled brightly at Bucky, as he wiped it away with his thumb smiling back at you.

~*~

TBC in Ch.7


	8. Book 2 - Late '44 & Early '45 Ch. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: Some angst, some fluff. The usual.  
> Word count: 6116
> 
> Italic = flashback  
> Lt = Lieutenant; Cpt = Captain; Sgt = Sergeant; Col = Colonel; CP = Command Post
> 
> It’s a long one folks.

~*~

You’d been sitting and just talking and laughing with Bucky, when one of the boys came over and told you that Cpt Winters wanted to see you.  Urgh, hadn’t Winters ordered down time?  Begrudgingly you got up and went to find your CO, with Bucky in tow.  

You arrived at the room that was being used as Easy’s Command Post, to find all the officers knee deep in paperwork.  Oh, right.  You’re an officer too, and should probably be doing something similar right now.  Lets say something along the lines of medical reports maybe?  You know the ones you really didn’t want to do.  

“Cpt Winters”. You called out as you entered the room, somewhat coming to attention in front of the man.  

Bucky on the other hand saluted properly.  Winters returned Bucky’s salute, while taking in your mismatched appearance.  Seriously was it so hard to get you a proper and complete uniform?  He thought as he shook his head.  Him and the boys hadn’t had any issues getting a fresh uniform once at base.  Why was it so complicated for you?

“Y/N.  Seems Doc Roe is having some trouble securing medical supplies from the Supply Sargent, could you go give him a hand?  We don’t know what they’re going to drop us into once we get back to France.  And who knows when we’ll get another chance.”

“Yes sir.” You replied.

“And I’ll need those medical reports as soon as possible too.”

“Get right on that sir.”

Winters smiled at your lack of enthusiasm, he could hardly blame you. Medical reports and casualty reports where right up there with having to write condolences letters home.  His attention was turned when his orderly handed him some papers.

“What is this?  I don’t want to sign another piece of paper.”  He told the man as he glanced over the papers.

You’d been essentially dismissed by Winters, and so you turned around leaving the office to follow your CO’s orders.  Bucky followed smiling.  Cpt Winters definitely had a different style of command than Col Phillips.

“It’s not going to be easy to squeeze anything out of Scrooge”. Bucky finally said.  

“Who said anything about me asking?”  You replied a mischievous grin on your lips.

“Why do I have a bad feeling about this?”  Bucky looked at you, eyebrow raised.

“Oh relax, I’m going to go ask Col Phillips.  Sgt Scrooge will loosen his purse strings.  Especially if I go to Phillips asking for supplies in my mismatched uniform.”

“That could…. actually work.”

“And if it doesn’t, well I’ll just steal it later.”  You added shrugging. 

Bucky just shook his head and smiled, he really shouldn’t be surprised by now.  He really hoped that Col Phillips would grant you access, he really didn’t want to have to explain to Steve how he was involved in a heist of his own supply room. Bucky had no doubt that you would be able to get in and out without being seen.  But once inventory was completed, as the Sgt did every morning, it would become obvious what was taken and who most likely took it.  Which would bring Steve right to his doorstep, as the man knew Bucky would never let you raid the supply room without backup.  

Bucky lead you to where you could most likely find Phillips this time of day.

As you’d thought, Col Phillips granted you free reign to raid the supply room of any medical supplies you might need.  Also adding to either find yourself a pair of suitable shoes or a suitable new combat uniform.  Adding he wasn’t sure how Cpt Winters ran his outfit, but on his base you wore a proper uniform.

As you entered the base’s main supply room, you saw Roe arguing with the Supply Sgt, and you rolled your eyes.  This was going to be interesting.

Roe was first to notice your arrival.  

“Lt!”  He exclaimed relieved to see you.

The Sgt looked at you and saluted.  You saluted back as you came to stand beside Roe.  It didn’t take long for the Sgt to realise you were here to pillage his supply room and he was not happy to see you.

“What’s going on Eugene?”  Feigning innocence at the situation in front of you, as you folded your arms loosely.

“Well Lt, the Sgt here won’t let me get the medical supplies Cpt Winters ordered me to get.”

“Like I told your medic…”  The Sgt tried to cut in.

You raised a hand, cutting him off.

“Col Phillips granted us full access Sgt.  Feel free to check with him.  I can wait.”  You said.

He was about to argue with you about your supposed granted access by Col Phillips when he saw Bucky behind you, hoping for some sort of back up from his fellow soldier.

“You heard the Lt, I’m just here to carry things.”  Bucky added, effectively shutting down what little misguided hope the Sgt had.

It occurred to Scrooge to call up Col Phillips and confirm, but then again he didn’t want to be at the receiving end of the Colonel’s anger in case you were telling the truth.  Which since Barnes was with you was most likely.  After all, the best friend of Cpt America the righteous wouldn’t be doing anything untoward.

Resigned and not too happy about it, he moved to the side and motioned for you to go.  

“Medical supplies are in rows M4 thought 7.”

“Thank you Sgt.  Eugene start at one end and I’ll start at the other, we’ll meet in the middle.  You know what we need.”

You both picked up a box and headed towards your respective ends.  After about 15 minutes of rummaging, you’d filled about 4 boxes worth with bandages, sutures, sulfa powder, and safety pins.  You even picked up a few surgical kits with scissors, scalpels and hemostats.  For plasma, morphine, and penicillin you’d have to go directly to the Hospital on base, they didn’t keep things like that in the main supply room.  

When you told Bucky you’d be going to the Hospital supply room next, he was a little confused.

“You’re wondering why not just take everything from the Hospital, they would have everything we need all in one place.”

“It had crossed my mind.”  Bucky admitted.

“Wounded could arrive in droves at any point in time, and out of professional courtesy we wouldn’t want to leave them low on the basics.  A patient will survive not getting morphine right away, but they wouldn’t last long if you don’t have enough bandages to stop the bleeding until a surgeon can get to them.  Now apply that principal 10, 20 times over.  The few supplies we’ve taken from them now become important to have.”

“Make sense.”

“And since we’ll be asking for plasma…”

Bucky quirked an eyebrow in question at you.

“Plasma is that one tricky item, no one wants to share what they have.  Their more likely to part with a few bottles if they’re not seeing their shelves being emptied by us.  So best to get the rest out of another supply room.”  You explained.

Before you left the supply room, you turned to the Sgt and asked for some army greens in your size.  The Sgt returned with a full combat medic uniform, including helmet with the red cross, the arm band and bag, and he even threw in some new combat boots.  Thanking him, you picked up the pile of clothes, and followed Roe and Bucky carrying the boxes out of the supply room.

As Bucky and Doc Roe took the boxes to Easy’s Temporary supply room, you decided to go change out of your nurse’s uniform and put your new combat greens on before heading to the Hospital.

When you returned to your room with your new uniform in your arms you found your old one folded on your bed.  You were relieved to see Bucky’s sweater was there as well.  You dropped your new uniform on the bed in a squeaky plunk.

You looked at the two piles of clothes.  One barely holding on at the seems and the other bran spanking new.  The uniform that you had worn up to that point had been scavenged by Easy when they had found you.  Some pieces had been extras some of them had carried, others had been taken off their dead.   And so your uniform was a mishmash of sizes, which was why it hadn’t fitted you, and why you had continuously patched it up.

 

_The smoke finally cleared from the ensuing battle of the transports Easy had just intercepted.  Bull, Luz, and Perconte cautiously walked towards one of the overturned trucks. Rifles up and ready to shoot at anything that came out of the wreckage.  Reaching the back of the truck, they took their positions as Luz withdrew the flap._

_They all lowered their weapons as they saw that there was only one person in the back, and that they were tied up.  The prisoner was a crumpled mass near the front end of the truck.  All they could see was part of his back with his hands tied behind his back, and his feet, which appeared to be tied together as well._

_Bull cautiously walked towards the body.  The cut and colour of the uniform told him this poor guy was probably Canadian or British army.  And the closer Bull got to him, the more he could see the dry blood on the uniform.  And there was a lot of it._

_Bending down, Bull had intended to roll him over to be able to take the poor saps dog tags.  His family deserved to know their boy wasn’t coming home.  He got the shock of his life when he turned you over and you moaned in pain._

_God you were so pale, dried blood covered your whole front.  He quickly bent down closer and checked for a pulse and that you were breathing.  Realizing that you were indeed still alive, he turned to his fellow men._

_“MEDIC!!!  I need a medic in here!”_

_How were you still alive?_   _What were you even doing here?_

_They cut your ties and pulled you out carefully.  It became apparent very quickly that horrible things had been done to you.  How were you still alive?  You were pretty banged up.  And the cut on your neck looked really bad.  Doc Roe had quickly assessed that you didn’t have any immediate life threatening injuries, wrapped a bandage around your neck and made sure you were covered up before he moved on to another patient.  Easy hadn’t come out scot free from the battle.  And unfortunately, they had lost 3 men, and a handful more had been wounded, and they weren’t in any position to evacuate anyone right now.  So for the time being, the wounded had to sit tight._

_Cpt Winters had stopped Roe as he had passed by him to go to another patient._

_“Doc she going to make it?”_

_“Yes sir, as far as I can tell it looks worse than it is.  That cut on her neck is already scarring.  Now if you’ll excuse me.”_

_“Of course Doc.”_

_Cpt Winters, realizing you needed new clothes, had ordered Easy to salvage what they could from the 3 fallen men.  And so new pants, a sweater, and a coat were patched up and cleaned up as best they could.  And one of the boys somehow still had a spare shirt you could use._

_They also realized you would need new underwear somehow.  Luckily your bra could be stitched back up, but the blood stains would not wash out.  And another one of the boys had a pair of underwear you could use.  The only thing that you didn’t need were socks and boots._

_And so when you finally woke up, you found yourself with a “new” uniform. You realized quite quickly where the pieces had come from, and you were immensely grateful for them.  You promised yourself you would take care of them as best you could.  Later on you would ask the boys to tell you about the men to whom the pieces had belonged to._

_They’d asked you what had happened.  How does an allied army nurse end up beaten and tied up in the back of an enemy transport truck?  And without going into full details, you’d told them the gist of your story.  About going to the Aid Station, having it be overrun by SS, and that’s why you were here now._

_You were given some privacy to clean yourself up and change.  In the reflection of the water you were using to clean yourself you had examined the cut on your next. Roe had been right, it was already starting to scar.  How the hell was that possible?  Shouldn’t that take days, even weeks?  What the hell was going on?_

_With much protest from Doc Roe who insisted you needed to rest, you had gotten up to tend to the wounded.  Roe was a great medic, but you were a surgical nurse.  There were a few things you could do that Roe couldn’t.  And with Doc Roe in tow you were able to patch up the boys good as new._

_When Cpt Winters realised he wasn’t going to be able to get rid of you and that he should just accept the fact that he now essentially had a combat surgeon in his company, since as a surgical nurse you pretty much had to know as much as the surgeons did, he had tried to requisition a new uniform for you, but it simply never seemed to make it into the supplies that would be sent to him. It was nothing personal, none of Easy’s new uniforms had made it to them.  Including their winter issue.  Easy hadn’t seen a new uniform since…since…well…since a long time._

 

It might seem silly to others that you were feeling sentimental towards your old uniform.  But they didn’t know their story, your story.   But sentimentality aside, your old uniform had seen its time, and it wasn’t practical to keep wearing it.

You quickly changed.  Even managed to take the white nurse cap off without messing up Peggy’s work.  You were about to put on Bucky’s sweater when you hesitated.  Would he want it back?  You had a new one now, and his sadly didn’t smell like him anymore.  

You decided to put it on, it was still Bucky’s after all.  You made a mental note to make sure to leave it for him though.  Something for him that smelled like you.  And maybe you could steel one of his shirts or something…

You put your jacket on, making sure to transfer your Lt bars and medical pin. Slung your medic bag over your head and headed out the door.

~*~

You managed to get a few bottles of plasma and a descent amount of morphine from the hospital, and you even scored some penicillin.  Finding Roe in Easy’s supply room, you split the morphine and penicillin between you, and Roe took the plasma and added it to the medical pile.

Roe noticed your less than stealthy attempts at looking around for Bucky, and smiled.  He told you Bucky had been called away for a meeting.  Disappointed, you turned your attention to finding a typewriter for your reports. The ones at the CP were all being used, so you decided to go to the base’s main offices.  Surely there was a free typewriter an orderly or secretary wasn’t using.

After about 10-15 minutes of asking and being told no.  You ran into Col Phillips and Agent Carter coming out of what looked like a war room.  You could see Bucky and Steve hunched over a map table, it looked like the Howling Commandos were planning another mission.

“Lt, what does Cpt Winters want now?”  Philips asked.

You hid your smile, of course he would think you wanted something.

“Nothing sir, I’m just looking for a free typewriter to do my reports on.”

“Well then, Agent Carter you’re up.”  He said before he walked away towards his office.

“Yes sir.”  She answered smiling and shaking her head.  “Come, you can use mine.”  Motioning for you to follow.

“Thank you.”

Bucky had looked up when he had heard your voice and smiled when he saw you. You had smiled back before your attention had turned to Col Phillips.  You looked good in your new combats, Bucky noted.  You could actually see some of your figure now that you had something that actually fitted you.  And he didn’t even try to hide the fact that he did eye your ass with smirk as you walked away.

Peggy lead you to her office.  She told you to sit at her desk where the typewriter was.  Sitting down you felt a little strange, constrained even, feeling the invisible pressures of society coming down around you.  Even though being a nurse was acceptable work for a woman, a frontline nurse not so much.  So between being an army nurse and a secretary, secretary was by far the most “appropriate”.  Problem was you had never been built for office work.  And every time you sat down at a desk to type something, you felt like society was somehow wining, managing to bend you to its will by making you do acceptable and appropriate “womanly work”.  Some might say you were being overly sensitive, even paranoid, you were just typing up a report, no one was taking you off the frontline and tying you to a desk.  Yet you still felt like it would be the perfect opportunity for them to do so, and slot you back in your place.

“This shouldn’t take too long.”  You stated hopefully, looking up at Peggy.

You pulled out your notebook and placed a sheet of paper in the typewriter. Cranking it into place you began typing.

Peggy had sat down at the side of her desk and was writing things down in some files.  The clicking of the keys was the only sound in the room.

“So… what about you and Steve?”  You asked eyeing her as you kept up your typing.

“Steve and I?”  Peggy answered innocently not looking up from her writing.

“Oh come on.”  You said, as you stopped typing and gave her your best unconvinced look.  You placed your hands together, leaning forward on the desk and hunching down a little.  “A blind man can see that the two of you like each other.”  

You straightened, placed your elbows on the desk and then placed your chin on the back of your hands.

“So… let’s try this again shall we?“  

Giving her your best doe eyes.  “Sooo… What about you and Steve?”

“What about you and Barnes?”  She asked instead, mimicking your stance.

“You’re avoiding the question.”  You pointed out with a finger.

“So are you.”  Peggy replied pointing her pen at you.

“Ah but I asked first.”  You said as you sat back in your chair crossing your arms, trying not to smile.

“And I picked up your uniform from off the floor and had it laundered.”  She said raising an eyebrow in challenge.

“A…Alright…I’ll give you that one.”  You conceded, but you weren’t defeated yet.

Uncrossing your arms and leaning forward again.

“Fine, how about this.  I’ll go first, then you.  And no backing out.  Deal?” You said extending your hand.

“Deal.”  Peggy said as she took your hand and shook it.

Well that was a lot easier than you had thought it would be.

Peggy got up and closed the door of her office giving the two of you some privacy.

You told Peggy about how Bucky made you feel, how safe you felt with him, how he was your home, how much you loved him even though you hadn’t known each other long, and yet you felt like you’d known each other all your life, that you had somehow loved him all your life.  

You also told Peggy about your hopes for after the war.  Of becoming Mrs Barnes, of having his children, maybe even having a little house with a white picket fence.  You’d still be a nurse at the local hospital of course, but you also really, really wanted the home life with Bucky.

You told her about your insecurities.  That you were broken and unclean, and how you weren’t sure if you were enough.  Peggy quickly stopped you in your tracks.  You weren’t broken, you weren’t unclean.  You were strong, and you were enough, you were more than enough.  Peggy felt like she knew Bucky pretty well, and she quickly assured you that she could see how much he loved you.  How you were it for him.  There would never be anyone else for Barnes but you.

You then told her about that growing feeling in your gut that something bad was going to happen to him.  How vague the feeling was, which was unusual, how it was like a dark cloud hovering over you, taunting you.  And trying to decipher what it was, well lets just say it would be easier to catch fog with your hands.  And that every time you tried, because you had to keep trying, you ended up no closer than you were before and you were left with a massive migraine for your troubles. How could you protect Bucky, if you weren’t there?  Because despite the black cloud hovering over both of you, you knew for a fact that if you ever wanted to see him again, if you ever wanted to have your happily ever after, you needed to leave with Easy, you couldn’t stay to try to save him from god knows what.  How the hell did that make any sense??  

Peggy didn’t have the answers you were looking for, she wished she did, she really did.  She had heard about your uncanny sixth sense, and how you were never wrong.  And the only advice she could give you was to follow your gut.  To be with Barnes you needed to leave, and you would have to trust that his friends, that Steve, that she, would do anything and everything to keep him safe. And that you needed to have faith, faith in your gut, faith in you and Barnes, faith in the people surrounding both of you.  And despite not being want you wanted to hear, you knew Peggy was right.  It wasn’t up to you to keep Bucky safe from whatever was coming, and you had to keep reminding yourself of the end game. That whatever was coming wasn’t the end, that he would survive it, and you would find your way back to each other, and you would get your happy ending.  It didn’t make any of it any easier though.

Peggy had reached over to put a hand on your forearm in an attempt to provide you some support.  You placed your free hand over hers, squeezing it as you gave her an appreciative smile.

Slowly your smile morphed into a big knowing smile.

“Now your turn.”  You said. Knowing very well she couldn’t, wouldn’t back out now.

Peggy made a face that told you she was hoping something would have come up by now, thus avoiding the conversation all together.  She hadn’t done “girl talk” in a very long time.  She hadn’t had a female friend she was close enough to to open up to like that.  And although she realized the immense trust you had put in her by telling her about your hopes and fears, she found it difficult to reciprocate.  You understood where she was coming from, and waited patiently, prodding encouragingly every now and then.

Peggy eventually confessed that she really liked Steve.  Was maybe, even possibly, probably, falling in love with him. She told you she had first noticed Steve at basic training at Camp Lehigh, before he became Cpt America. She was drawn to his strength of spirit, and over time became quite fond of Steve.  She admitted she was ashamed that she only became physically attracted to him after the experiment.  

You pointed out that she had seen his heart, and whether or not she had realised it at the time, had started slowly falling for him before the experiment. You had no doubt that given time she would have developed an attraction to Steve.  That the beauty she saw on the inside would have migrated out in her eyes. That she had liked him before the packaging had changed, and that was the most important.  Besides everyone’s packaging changes as we grow old, it doesn’t mean you stop loving each other.  

Peggy was glad she had opened up to you.  She had missed this, bonding with another woman.  Someone that understood her and supported her.  Someone that didn’t make her feel so alone in a world led by men.  She missed being part of the sisterhood.

“So, you going to make a move or what?”  You finally asked.

Peggy raised an eyebrow.

“Come on, we both know he’s not going to make the first move.  No matter how much Bucky pushes him to do something. He may look like a Greek god now, but inside he’s still that little insecure kid from Brooklyn, especially when it comes to the ladies.  Besides who knows how long we all have.  Seize the moment as they say.”

It took a bit more convincing, but eventually you managed to convince Peggy to make a move.  Tonight. This way, you could support her, but mostly to make sure she didn’t back out.  And if Bucky could do the same with Steve, well y’all might actually accomplish something tonight.

You suggested something small, like taking his hand and holding it.  And with Bucky’s encouragement it should give Steve the push he’d need to run with it.

You’d have to let Bucky know you’d kinda changed your date into a double date. You hoped he wouldn’t be to upset. You also hoped it wouldn’t take Peggy and Steve long to get their shit together, hopefully leaving most of the night for you and Bucky to do as you pleased.

Your eyes suddenly went wide.  It just now dawned on you.

“Oh god, I’ve got nothing to wear!”  You exclaimed, starting to panic.

“Hey.  Don’t worry, I’m sure I have something you can wear.”  Peggy said reassuringly, rubbing your arm.

“Thank you.”  You said, truly grateful.

“Although I’m sure if you just wore that white nurse’s uniform, Barnes wouldn’t mind one bit.  With the little cap too of course.”  Giving you a knowing look.

You went completely red under her gaze, Peggy just laughed.  And despite your embarrassment you had to laugh to. You had caught Bucky checking you out when you had been wearing your white uniform.  If only because he was being very blatant about it and not even trying to hide the fact he was liking what he was seeing.

~*~

When they were finally done ironing out the last few small details of their next mission, Steve and Bucky walked out of the room.  They saw you two through the window in the door of Peggy’s office.  You were both laughing.  They both smiled, glad that you two were seemingly getting along.

“This is either a good thing or a very, very bad thing for us pal.”  Bucky said to his best friend.

Bucky decided it was probably in Steve’s and his best interest to interrupt your “girl time”.  They walked up to the door and knocked.  The both of you looked up still laughing as Peggy waved the men in.  After opening the door, both just stood at the doorway, leaning against it.

“What can I do for you gentlemen?”  Peggy asked, getting her laughter under control.

“Oh just wondering what Y/N was up to.”  Bucky answered, noticing that you still had a touch of a blush on your face.

“Oh just typing away.”  You replied. “Gotta get those medical reports done.” You said raising a pile of papers.

“Any idea how long you’ve got left?”  Bucky asked hopeful it was sooner rather than later.

“You in a hurry or something sgt?”  You teased.

“Well now that you mention it, I was thinking maybe you’d like to join me for a pre-date walk?”  

“Speaking of date, I’ve kind of, might of, sort of, invited Peggy so you’d invite Steve, so we could all double date.”  You said with your most innocent smile and puppy eyes.

Bucky had figured out where you were going with this before you’d even finished your sentence.  And before Steve could interject and try to back out, Bucky patted his shoulder with a big smile.

“What a fantastic idea!  What time should we come a calling?”  Bucky said enthusiastically.  

He was loving this idea, he really was.

“Let’s say 18:00, but how about we meet you there?”  You suggested.

“Fantastic, we’ll be there!”

“Great!”

You and Bucky had the conversation as if Steve and Peggy weren’t even in the room.  If you had paid attention to them, you would have noticed the comically stunned looks on their faces as they were being set up on a date. Peggy hadn’t expected you to be so blatantly open about the whole thing, she’d hoped you and Bucky would have worked your magic behind the scenes, not the front stage.  Then again, she really shouldn’t of been surprised.

“So… you never answered my question?  How long do you still have?”  Bucky asked, hope still in his voice.

“Longer than I’d like.”  You said with a sigh, dashing his hopes.

“So…?”  Bucky not willing to give up all hope just yet, hoping to still possibly squeeze in even a few minutes before you would both need to go get ready for your date.

“So I’ll see you at 18:00.”  You answered, knowing you were crushing his hopes into fine dust.

Bucky huffed disappointed “Very well then.  Come on pal, I’ve got a uniform to iron.”  Bucky added as he motioned to Steve to follow.

Steve still wasn’t sure what had just happened as he followed Bucky down the halls.  Bucky was rambling on about getting ready and that Steve should iron his dress uniform and probably take another shower, even though they’d just taken one earlier today. And he said something about lending him some cologne.  And Steve had stopped listening as his brain caught on to the fact he had a date with Peggy. Tonight!

Bucky noticed Steve had stopped walking and turned around to find his best friend frozen in place, wide eyed, with a panicked look on his face.

“Don’t worry pal, I’ve got ya.  You’ll do fine I promise you.”  As Bucky grabbed Steve by the shoulders, trying to keep his friend moving.

Steve just looked at him in horror, and was about to stutter some nonsense about how Peggy was way out of his league, when Bucky cut him to the chase.

“Pal, is Peggy out of your league?  Sure she is, just like Y/N’s out of mine!  But she likes you, and you owe it to yourself, to both of you to give it a shot.  Now you’re going to get ready, meet her there and get the girl.  Cause you’re a great guy and if she can’t see that then she doesn’t deserve you pal.”

After Bucky’s little pep talk, Steve was able to at least get his legs moving again.  Bucky would need to give him a few more pep talks between now and 18:00, but Bucky didn’t mind if it meant his best friend finally got the girl he deserved.

To be honest, Bucky had never felt like any of the girls he’d set Steve up on a double date with deserved him.  They couldn’t see past the exterior to see the good man and good heart underneath. But by the way Steve talked about Peggy, during his time before the experiment, he could tell she was different. You couldn’t deny the chemistry between the two, they were made for each other.  And frankly the dance they had going on was getting tiresome, and everyone just wished they’d get on with it already.  Well tonight might be the night, finally!

~*~

“I could never be a secretary.”  You blurted out, massaging your cramped hands and fingers, as you finally finished your last report.

You hated medical reports, it made you relive every life altering wound, every death, made you re-examine and second guess every decision.  These were your friends, and you felt like you had failed them by not saving their arm or leg, by letting them die.  Even though in reality, there was nothing you could of done to save them, and you did everything right.  You could do everything right and still loose.  Life wasn’t fair.

“Well I should run these over.”  You said taking your stack of papers and standing up.

“Come by my room after, I’ll show you what I have that you can borrow, let’s make one hell of a impression tonight.”  Peggy said, excitement and mischievousness evident in her voice.

“I like the way you think.”  You replied, before you left her office.  “See you in a few.”

~*~ 

You were excited.  You weren’t one to get all dolled up, but you couldn’t wait.  This time you’d let Peggy help with your hair, and makeup.  You liked her, you recognized in her a kindred spirit.  It was nice to have someone you could relate to.  The entire walk to Easy’s CP and then back to Peggy’s room you couldn’t hide the smile on your face and the bounce in your step.  And the closer you got to Peggy’s door, the more nervous and excited you got.  What were you going to wear?  You weren’t exactly the same size as Peggy.  As you reached her room and she opened the door, you noticed there were a few dresses already laid out on the bed.

“I’ve pulled a few things for you to try on.  And once you’ve picked one we can alter it if needed.”  She stated as she showed you her sowing kit.

After looking through the selection, you settled on a beautiful deep ocean blue dress, with a sweetheart neck line, capped sleeves, and flared skirt that hit just below your knees.  

Peggy pulled out a pair of black dancing heels.  Luckily you were similar shoe sizes, although they didn’t fit quite right, they would do.  And after a few wobbly steps, you got the hang of things.  But you could already tell you wouldn’t last the night in those shoes, they were already killing your feet.

With the short sleeves on your dress you realised you’d need the nurse’s cape you had in your room to wear as a jacket.  You’d have to remember to grab that before you went.  Peggy even had a nice black purse for you to use. Although you weren’t exactly sure why, it’s not like you had keys or money to haul around.  Your paycheck hadn’t found its way to you since you’d been captured by the SS and ended up with Easy.  What you didn’t know was that Peggy was going to give you whatever makeup you chose to wear tonight.  It might not be much, but it could be a little comfort for you out on the frontline, or something you could use to trade with.

Peggy helped curl your hair and pin it out of your face.  She did some basic makeup, and you finished it with the same shade of red as before.  Peggy had lent you some very simple earrings and a matching necklace.  You took a look at yourself in the mirror and couldn’t believe the difference.  Damn you looked beautiful.

But you’re awe soured when your eyes fell on the scar on your neck that was now in full display.  Down your neck to your collarbone.  It didn’t look so angry as it had, but it was still pretty obvious.  And the sweetheart neckline also put on display the small faded scars that where also on your chest.

“No one is going to notice, I promise you.”  Peggy said as she placed her hands on your shoulders and squeezed.

Peggy looked beautiful as well, in a beautiful form fitting red dress with a V-neck and long sleeves, perfect makeup and red lips, perfectly curled brown hair.  She paired her outfit with a gold pendant and studs, and brown dancing shoes.

It was almost 18:00.  Time to go. Dressed and ready to go you headed out the door, both anxious and excited.

~*~

TBC in Ch. 8


	9. Book 2 - Late '44 & Early '45 Ch. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: Fluff, mention of sex.  
> Word count: 4824
> 
> Italic = flashback  
> Lt = lieutenant; Cpt = Captain; Sgt = Sergeant; Col = Colonel; CP = Command Post

~*~

Bucky decided he should take another shower.  If only to give himself something to do other than pace a hole in the floor.  He'd already polished his boots and ironed his uniform.  He'd even shinned all his buttons and pins, twice.

When Bucky came out of his bathroom wrapped in a towel and using a smaller one to dry his hair, he wasn’t surprised to find Steve in his room ironing a shirt.  He noticed that Steve had already ironed his own uniform and was now working on Bucky’s already ironed shirt.  Steve must have been even more nervous than Bucky had thought, if he was ironing an already perfectly ironed shirt.

"Try not to burn a whole in that one punk, it's my last good one."  Bucky teased, startling Steve who nearly dropped the hot iron onto the shirt.  'Wo, someone's wound up tight, I guess somethings never change'  Bucky thought, smirking.

"Jerk."  Steve said as he made a face at his best friend, before returning his full attention to the work at hand.

Somehow the Army had managed to teach Steve how to iron properly, it took the whole of Steve's concentration to accomplish said task, but he could iron properly.  Bucky smiled as he watched Steve try to iron out a crease he had just created.  And smiled again when he saw the giant smile cross Steve's face when he finally got it out, and lifted the shirt up with pride for Bucky to see.  Bucky just shook his head chuckling, as he headed towards the dresser. 

But there were still some things that would never change, all Bucky could think of was 'thank god for uniforms'.

 

_Bucky had set up a double date for Steve and him.  His date, Janice, he’d met at a diner.  She and her friend Rose were waitresses there.  Bucky felt hopeful this time.  He really liked Janice, and Rose, although a little shy and bookish with her big glasses, seemed really nice._

_Bucky was going through his old shirts and pants, trying to find nice ones he could have his sister alter to fit Steve.  He knew that whatever Steve would pick out to wear, that it wouldn’t be quite right.  Although Steve did take pride in his appearance, always made sure to be clean shaven, and wear clean clothes, Bucky always had to re-iron his clothes.  The man just couldn't iron to save his life.  How Steve managed to create more creases than there were originally was beyond him, and that was assuming he didn't accidentally burn a whole in them too.  To add to Steve's problems, he couldn't match his clothes either.  How do you mismatch neutral colours?   I mean the pants were usually either black or a dark shade of brown, and the shirts generally white or beige?  Well, however it happens, Steve had a nack for that too._

_Bucky had always had an eye for style, even as a young child, he just had a nack for throwing clothes on and making it all look good.  His Ma would always say he could make a burlap sac look good.  So growing up, Bucky had taken to making sure Steve was well dressed before they headed off to school.  Growing up poor, they didn't have the newest of clothes, or the finest of clothes, but that didn't mean they couldn't be well dressed.  Steve got picked on enough as it was, and Bucky didn't want his clothes to be another reason for the bullies to beat on him.  Which is why he would make Steve change in the morning before heading off to school together.  So you'd think by now Steve would have picked up an iota of fashion sense.  I mean, how hard is it when confronted by a closet of clothes, to ask yourself  "what would Bucky wear?" or better yet "what did Bucky make me wear last time?".  But no.  So if the man wouldn't or couldn't learn, Bucky would keep laying out clothes for Steve to wear in the morning.  It made Steve feel somewhat like a child, but the man couldn't deny, although begrudgingly, that Bucky had style and could make anything look good, even on Steve's scrawny frame.  To his credit though, Steve did tie a mean tie.  And he did derive satisfaction when he would have to redo Bucky's tie._

_When Steve came out of his room, he found Bucky in their living room ironing his pants, and was a little confused by this as Bucky appeared to already be dressed for their double date._

_Bucky hadn't laid anything out for Steve to wear, leaving the poor guy to his own devices.  And as expected, Steve had walked out of his room wearing mismatched clothes, and somehow had managed to wrinkle his perfectly ironed shirt and pants.  Bucky would know, he'd ironed those particular clothes just the other day and Steve hadn't worn them yet._

_“Here, try these on punk.”_   _Bucky said handing him the pants, he then reached for the ironed shirt hanging on a nearby chair._

_Steve looked down at the clothes he'd just been handed, then back up at Bucky with a confused look on his face._

_“Just put them on pal.  And hurry or we’ll be late.”_

_"Aren't these your old pants and shirt?"_

_"Yeah, had Becca fixem up so they'd fit you.  Now get going, we're going to be late."_

_When Steve came back out he looked much better.  Bucky handed him a matching tie, and Steve in no time had made the perfect knot.  Steve eyed Bucky's tie.  Smirking Bucky undid it as Steve stepped forward to re-tie it perfectly._

_"Punk."_

_"Jerk."_

_And out the door they went._

 

Bucky was standing in front of the mirror trying to tie his tie.  He’d done and undone it half a dozen times already.  He just couldn’t get it right.  For the seventh time Bucky pulled the tie apart with a huff.

“Here”  Steve motioned for Bucky to turn around and face him.

Bucky did and let Steve tie his tie.  With a smile, Steve patted his arm once he was done.

“Usually I’m the nervous wreck.”  He said.

"I'm not a nervous wreck..."  Bucky grumbled under his breath.

"Whatever you say pal.  You know you don't have any reason to be, right?"

Bucky turned around to face the mirror, pulling at his sleeves, fiddling with his cuffs.  He really was a nervous wreck.  No, not nervous, anxious.  He couldn’t wait to see you, couldn’t wait to have your hand in his, couldn’t wait to twirl you around the dance floor.  Couldn’t wait to hold you in his arms.  Time was just ticking along too slowly.

Steve mistook his anxiousness for self-doubt, and it took Bucky a few moments to realise that Steve was actually mid pep-talk.  Bucky new he was the luckiest sap in the world.  He had no idea why you would choose him, but he was glad, and he wasn’t going to question it.  Well at least not tonight anyways.  Tonight the shadows were staying at bay, he was too happy to let them take hold.  Your light had completely engulfed him, the flowers were blooming again, and the birds were signing.  And he was just happy, very happy.

Bucky had decided.  He was going to do it.  As much as he wanted to tell Steve about his plan, he couldn't.  Steve would get sidetracked from his date with Peggy, and Bucky couldn't let that happen.  He needed Steve and Peggy to get together, enough was enough already.

Finally it was time to leave.  And with one last look in the mirror, they headed out the door.

~*~

Steve and Bucky quickly made their way to the pub and patiently waited outside for you ladies to arrive.  Bucky was giving Steve one last pep-talk, when Steve suddenly hit Bucky's arm, stopping his friend mid-sentence, and motioned for him to turn around.  As Bucky turned around he saw you and everything stopped, a giant smile spreading across his face.  Everything except you faded away.  He forgot that Steve was beside him, didn't even notice Peggy walking beside you, the laughter and song from the pub became silence.  There was just you.

You came to stand in front of Bucky, who was smiling brightly at you.

"Hi."

"Hi."

You both said shyly.  Clearly he had had the same effect on you as you had had on him.

"You look amazing."  Bucky complimented. 

You really did, with your hair pinned out of your face, your simple makeup, the tinge of red on your cheeks that was a mixture of the cold night air and Bucky.

"You don't look too shabby yourself Sgt."  You replied approvingly, giving him a once over as you smiled. 

You had always been a sucker for a man in uniform, but Bucky looked down right sinful in his dress uniform.  Making you subconsciously bite your lower lip.  You were pretty sure you heard a strangled moan come from Bucky and you were about to tease him about it, when out of the corner of your eye movement caught your attention.  A few feet away, Peggy and Steve were having a similar exchange, and their movement made you look their way.  You locked eyes with Peggy, and tilted your head towards the entrance of the pub encouragingly. 

Peggy stepped onto the first step of the pub and held out her hand to Steve.

"Well, shall we?"  She said, smiling at him.

Steve didn’t hesitate and took her hand as he stepped onto the step, wrapping her arm around his, he opened the door and led her into the pub, never taking his eyes off of hers.

As Steve and Peggy entered the pub everything went quiet, every set of eyes turning to them, to her.  Great, now you had to follow that entrance.  You sighed, suddenly feeling very self-conscious about the scars on your neck and chest underneath you coat.  Bucky squeezed your arm trying to comfort you, as you closed the coat tighter around your neck. 

Bucky took your face in his hands, forcing you to look at him.

"You're the most beautiful woman in the world to me Y/N.  And I'm always going to think that, even when you're old and gray."

You relaxed, your eyes softened and a small smile graced your lips as Bucky's words sunk in, and the self-doubt faded away.

"We don't have to go in if you don't want to."  Bucky added, stroking his thumb lightly on your cheek.  "Actually I'd prefer if you didn't."  He said with a smirk, as he eyed your mouth licking his lips.

"Oh you would eh?"  You quirked an eyebrow, and bit your lower lip for effect.

Bucky strangled a groan in his throat.  You were going to be the death of him.

"But I was promised dancing lessons."  You said as you gave your best doe eyes and fake pout.

Besides you had to make sure Steve and Peggy were set.

Bucky laughed, mostly because he knew that he could never resist those pouty lips and doe eyes of yours, and he was pretty sure you already knew that.

"Well then, what are we waiting for, let's get this show on the road!"

Bucky grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the pub before he suddenly turned around, making you crash into his chest from the momentum.  Bucky grabbed your cheek with his free hand and kissed you.

The kiss surprised you, but you quickly surrendered to it.  It ended far too quickly for your liking, even though it left you breathless with a smile on your lips.

“I love you.”  He said, like he’d told you a million times before.

You smiled even more brightly, eyes shining, as you just looked at him with such adoration.  You were so unbelievably happy right now, you couldn't remember ever being this happy in your life.

“What?”  Bucky asked, as you kept looking at him.

“It’s the first time you’ve said it.”  You said as you smiled.

“It is?”  He said scrunching his eyebrows together.

“Yes.”  You giggled at the confused look on his face.

Bucky thought about it, that couldn’t be right, he’d have to had told you before.  Hadn't he?  Oh my god it was the first time!  How could he have been so stupid?  He had thought it so many times, told you in his head so many times, but the words had never left his mouth until tonight. 

“I’d like to think that I’ve been showing you just how much I do love you though.”  He said sheepishly looking at his feet, a light dusting of pink rising on his cheeks.

“And you have been.”  You said reassuringly.

Taking his face in your hands, making sure you had his undivided attention.  God his eyes were so beautiful, and they shone so brightly right now.  You could spend a lifetime lost in those eyes.

“And I love you too.”  You said before kissing him passionately. 

One of your hands moved to the back of his neck to pull him closer.  Bucky wrapped his arms around you pulling you flush against him, as one arm snaked down your back and the other tangled in your hair.

When the kiss ended you hummed contently, Bucky rubbed his nose lightly against yours, before going back in for another kiss. 

"Keep this up and we're going to need a room."  You said smiling into his lips.

"That can be arranged."  He answered, nipping at your lips.

"Hmmm...What about Steve and Peggy?"

"I'm sure they'll be alright."  Bucky said as he began moving down your neck, nipping and leaving gentle kisses has he went.

"Are you though?"

Sighing, Bucky stopped his ministrations, and placed his forehead on your shoulder.

"No, not really."  Bucky answered as he raised his head back up to look at you.

You smiled into his lips as you kissed him lightly.

"How about we make sure."  You said.  "And then..."

"And then?"

"And then... we can take this party somewhere else."  You said raising your eyebrows suggestively.

"What are we waiting for?  Let's make sure that punk doesn't screw things up."

Bucky practically bolted into the pub, puling you in tow as you laughed.

~*~

When you had sat down at your table, Bucky had warned you that the food here could be considered ordinary, even bland.  After all it was war time, and things were either rationed or hard to get, but it was still considered better than the mess hall on base, but not by much.  To you however, it tasted like a five star meal.  It was home cooked and didn't come out of a can or from a powder.  You could of stuffed yourself on the bread alone it was so good.  Bucky, Steve, and Peggy had chuckled at your enthusiasm.  You had looked up from your plate with all three of them staring back at you with a playful smile on their lips.

"What?"  You asked innocently.

"Can't say I've ever seen anyone quite enjoy the food here like you are."  Steve answered.

"You kidding?  This is amazing!  It's home cooked, it has shapes, colours, and textures I recognise as being actual food!  It's made with actual food!"  You answered as you dove back into your simple meal.

Bucky leaned in and kissed your hair as he giggled softly.  You had a point there.

Bucky finally had the double date he'd always had in mind all those other times he'd dragged Steve out.  Steve finally had a woman who saw him for him.  And he had the woman he'd been searching for ever since he was five. 

Bucky wasn't afraid of showing everyone that this beautiful dame was his.  He was either holding your hand, having an arm around your shoulders, or kissing the side of your head, and definitely stealing kisses here and there.

Steve had managed to put his foot in his mouth a few times, needing Bucky's help to get it out, but Peggy had gracefully brushed it off.  And things were getting on quite spectacularly between the two.  In Bucky's opinion it was time to let Steve fly on his own, so he asked you to dance.  Offering you his hand as he stood up from his chair, you took it and he pulled you to the improvised dance floor. 

Smiling, Bucky placed your right hand into his left one.  Then took your left hand and placed it on his right shoulder.  Snaking his right hand around your hip to the small of your back, he suddenly pulled you close.  Making you take a step and crash into his chess, making you giggle in the process.

“We’ll start easy.”  Bucky said as he began swaying you side to side.  Not following the beat of the music whatsoever.

You were starring into each others eyes, both of you smiling, when you felt yourself going from swaying to shuffling side to side. 

After a few minutes of shuffling about, it was time to try something else.

“You’re doing great doll.  Now let’s try a twirl.”  Bucky said as he let go of your waist and slowly twirled you.  The skirt of your dress fanning out in a sea of blue.

When it was done Bucky pulled you back to him, more forcefully than he needed to, making you crash into his chest as you laughed.  God he loved your laugh, and he wanted to spend a lifetime making you smile and laugh.

You went back to shuffling and swaying as you continued to laugh.  You'd figured out by now that Bucky would make you crash into him on purpose, and yet every time it caught you by surprise and made you laugh.  Which in turn made him smile that oh so beautiful smile he only reserved for you, and his oh so amazing blue eyes would shine with pure happiness.

Bucky was looking at you and smiling, when you suddenly broke eye contact and grimaced.

“What is it?”  He thought things were going well, but maybe he was pushing you too fast?

Had he not immediately assumed he was the problem, Bucky would have noticed that you had been looking down at your feet.  The ill-fitting shoes were making themselves known as you grimaced once more, the pain getting worse with every step.

“My shoes are starting to kill my feet.”

Bucky sighed internally.  Good it was the shoes and not him.  Well there was an easy fix for that.

“So take them off doll.”

Now there was an idea, you thought.  Although that would definitely ruin the nylons Peggy lent you, you weren't ready to stop dancing with Bucky yet.  So you made a mental note to get her a replacement pair, somehow…

"You promise not to step on my toes?"

"Promise.”

You bent down to take off your shoes, sighing in relief, as you wiggled your toes.

"Well I'm going to owe Peggy a new pair of nylons anyways."  You said, mostly to yourself as you noticed a small hole had already formed on one of your toes.

“Already on it.”  Bucky answered.

“Oh?”  You asked surprised that he had even heard you, and also very intrigued by his statement.

“I may or may not have planned... hoped... to rip those off of you later?”  Bucky tried to answer innocently and failing miserably.

Turning a deep shade of red, and feeling suddenly very shy, you just laughed as you went to put your shoes to the side.

When you got back to Bucky, still very red and somewhat avoiding direct eye contact, you placed your hand back in his and on his shoulder.  Bucky could of decided to playfully tease you since you hadn't given him a comeback for his earlier comment, but instead wrapped his arm back around you, and plastered a devilish smile on his face.  You noticed the shift in him and looked at him, narrowing your eyes.  What was he up to?

He squeezed you tighter and lifted you off the ground.  Making you squeal and tighten your grip on his shoulder, holding onto him for dear life.  Which was Bucky’s point, he couldn't get you close enough to him.  He began swinging you around, your legs swinging out as you spun.  Both of you were laughing.  Bucky started gliding across the floor, holding you up.  Reminding you of a little girl dancing with her rag doll in her living room, except maybe a little more gracefully.

After crossing the dance floor a few times, Bucky finally put you down on his feet, and continued dancing.  You held onto Bucky as he swayed you across the dance floor, and you couldn't stop smiling and laughing.  Enjoying every minute.

Steve and Peggy watched on from the table.  The happiness you and Bucky were exuding was infectious, and bolstered Steve's resolve.  He finally stood up and extended his hand to Peggy, who gladly took it, and guided her to the dance floor.  Others began to follow suit and joined you out on the dance floor.

~*~

“Alright doll, how about we try some basic 3-step?”

“Mmmm ok, got to at some point I guess.”

“We don’t have to, I’m more than happy lifting you around all night.  Makes you hold onto me tighter.”  He added raising his eyebrows a few time as he smiled at you.

You smirked and shook your head.

“That is still very likely to happen.  But let’s give it a try nonetheless.”

Bucky spent the next little bit showing you the basic 3-step, as you looked down at your feet.  You weren’t too bad, as long as you could look at your feet.

“Now look at me and stop looking at your feet."

"How will I know what I'm doing then?"

"I've got you doll.  Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

And so you abandoned your feet, and looked up at Bucky.  You did pretty good for about the first five minutes, then it all went to hell in a hand-basket.  You began stepping on Bucky’s toes, and having two-left feet.  To his credit and skill, Bucky was completely unfazed by it, and actually used your misstep as an excuse to pick you up and twirl you around, and when he would return you to the ground, you were back instep with him.  Which instead of making you feel embarrassed for your mistakes, was making you laugh and have the time of your life.  Bucky’s cheeks were beginning to hurt he was smiling and laughing so much.

For the first time in your life you were having fun dancing.  And all it took was the right partner.

As Steve watched the two of you he smiled, he had been so afraid he'd never see the old Bucky ever again.  This was the Bucky he remembered.  No that's not true, Steve had never seen Bucky this happy before.  He liked this Bucky better, and he hoped this Bucky was here to stay.

~*~

At some point you had noticed Steve and Peggy on the dance floor, you got Bucky’s attention and pointed in their direction. 

“Well it’s about damn time.”  He said smiling proudly at his best friend. 

Steve had clearly taken his cue from Bucky and had started with some swaying and shuffling, not caring about the beat of the music and  stared into each other's eyes.  Steve suddenly dipped Peggy, and stole a quick kiss.  To Peggy's great delight.

In a corner some of the Howling Commandos silently exchanged money as they looked on and drank their beers.

"I taught him that move"  Bucky told you.

"Oh did you now?"  You asked in mock disbelief.

In response Bucky suddenly dipped you, and since you were laughing you threw your head back, exposing your neck to Bucky, who buried his head in your neck and started peppering it with kisses.  When you remade eye contact as he pulled you back up, his pupils were blown and he had a cocky smile on his face.

"Can we take this somewhere else now?"  He asked as he pulled you closer to him, his breath mixing with yours.

"Yes.  Steve and Peggy can handle things on their own from here."  You answered as you dragged him off the dance floor.

~*~

Bucky escorted you back to your room.  Stealing deep and passionate kisses along the way, until you reached the base.  From there it took everything in him to keep his hands to himself.  Although anyone crossing your path would have no illusions as to what you were about to do, you still couldn't go around base making out in the corridors.

Reaching your door, you took one look at it before turning to Bucky.

"Let's go to yours."  You said.

You wanted to be surrounded by Bucky, be in his space, his home, his bed.  Wake up next to him, in sheets that smelled like him, put his shirt on to go to the bathroom, where his shaving brush and razor would be by the sink.  Have a glimpse of what life with him could be like.

Now, most men would have been annoyed by the delay, or tried to rationalise to you that a bed was a bed, didn't matter who's it was.  But not Bucky.  He just smiled and pulled you in the direction of his room.  You wanted to be in his bed, leaving your smell all over his sheets, he wasn't going to argue.

He escorted you back to his room.  As he closed the door behind him, you slowly took your coat off as you looked at the simple room.  It wasn't very different from yours, but it had Bucky's touch all over it.  A few family pictures on a desk, his blue jacket thrown on a chair, his boots in a corner, his footlocker in another.  You smiled and turned around to find Bucky still standing at the door. 

You raised an eyebrow questioningly.  You would have thought he'd be all over you the second the door had closed based on his behaviour on the way over from the pub.  Had he changed his mind?  Doubt was starting to creep up again.  But Bucky simply looked at you, irises blown with only a sliver of blue left.

"Are you sure you want this?"  He asked.

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"  He asked again, studying your face for any shred of doubt.  He needed to be sure you were sure.

"Yes."  You answered again, this time taking a step towards him.

That was all Bucky needed.  He closed the distance between you, and kissed you passionately as he slowly moved you towards the bed.

When the back of your knees hit the bed you fell onto it with a bounce, making you giggle as Bucky climbed on, hovering over you.  Looking deep into your eyes.

“I need you to know before we do this, that I do truly and deeply love you Y/N.”

“I know.  And I love you." 

You really did love that he was making sure you were ok with this, but you really wished he'd get on with it too, you were getting impatient.

Grabbing his face in your hands, you pulled him down to you and kissed him.  When you broke apart, Bucky had a funny look on his face.  Before you could say something, Bucky blurted out,

"Marry me."

You searched his eyes, had you heard him correctly?

"Marry me."  Bucky asked again, this time more softly.

You had heard correctly.  A giant smile broke on your face, and tears of joy filled your eyes.

"Yes!  Yes of course.  Yes I will marry you James Buchanan Barnes.”

“Say it again.”

“Yes I will marry you.”

“No, my name” Bucky chuckled. 

“James.”  You repeated softly.

Bucky moaned as the name fell from your lips.  Hearing you say his name did things to him no one ever had or ever could.  You had ruined him for anyone else.

“I’m never going to get tired of hearing you say that."  He said as he came down for another passionate kiss.

~*~

Bucky was a passionate lover, and your night was filled with him worshiping every inch of you.  Finding every sweet spot that made those beautiful moans fall from your lips, made you say his name in just that particular way, made you scream in ecstasy. 

You weren't a selfish lover either, and Bucky was not forgotten.  As much as he had wanted tonight to be all about you, you had managed to turn the tables around a few times.  Leaving Bucky quite happy that you had.

Just as he had mapped out every inch of your body, you did the same with his.  Committing every curve, every though muscle, every scar, every freckle, to memory.  Until you both fell asleep in each other's arms.

~*~

TBC in ~~Ch.9~~


	10. Book 2 - Late '44 & Early '45 Ch. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: Angst  
> Word count: 3237
> 
> Italic = flashback  
> A/N: Lt = lieutenant; Cpt = Captain; Sgt = Sergeant; Col = Colonel; CP = Command Post

~*~

The sun was just beginning to rise, it’s soft rays filtering through the thin curtains, basking the small room in a soft peaceful light.

You’d woken up just a few moments ago, tucked into Bucky’s right side, your head on his chest, as Bucky held onto you protectively in his sleep.  Bucky’s left arm was sprawled over his beautifully sculpted abdomen, and you were absentmindedly tracing lines and angles on his arm, as you avoided thinking about what would happen in a few hours. There was something familiar and comforting about lying this way in Bucky’s arms, tracing these lines and angles on his arm.  There was something safe about it.

You needed to get up soon.  Easy Company was schedule to move out at 0800, and you’d be expected to oversee the moving of all the medical supplies and the transfer of care of any wounded that the base’s hospital was releasing back to Easy before you left.

Bucky woke up to the sensation of someone tracing on his left arm, and smiled as he recognised your touch.  He opened his eyes slowly as he inhaled deeply, your smell invading his senses, and he tightened his grip on you.

“Mmm…good morning.”  He said as he looked down at you.

“Good morning.”  You replied, as you looked up into his eyes.  

Stopping your absentminded tracing you moved your hand to his jaw, brushing lightly at his early morning stubble.  The early morning light made him look like an angel, his blue eyes shining brightly.  You leaned up, Bucky mirrored your actions, meeting you halfway in a light chaste kiss. The kiss didn’t stay chaste very long, as Bucky pulled you on top of him, and you straddled him, moving your hand to the back of his head and pulling at his hair, eliciting a deep groan from Bucky.  Bucky flipped you over, and moved from your mouth, nipping at your jaw as he moved towards your neck, eliciting moans from you.

~

The sun was now up, and the base was waking up, getting ready for another day, the sound making its way up to Bucky’s window.  Time was ticking away, you really needed to get up, and you really didn’t want to.

You were both laying on your sides, looking at eachother, committing to memory eachother’s faces.  Who knew the next time you would see eachother after today.

“I have a ring for you.“  Bucky said, breaking the comfortable silence.

"You do?  Someone was sure I was going to say yes.”  You said as you raised an eyebrow.

Bucky chuckled lightly.  "Not here, in the States.  It’s my GrandMa’s ring, she left it to me when she died.  Said it’d be a waste to burry it in the ground.  It’s a nice one too.  Has a small blue sapphire surrounded by small diamonds, makes it look like a flower.“

"I bet the blue matches your eyes.”  You said as you brushed his cheek lightly, smiling.

Bucky covered his hand over yours and moved it to his mouth to place gentle kisses into your palm, before moving to hold your hand to his chest above his heart.

“My grandma use to say it did, and that’s why I was getting it, so my wife could look at the blue and see my eyes in it.”

Such a romantic, you wondered if that’s where Bucky got it from.

“She would of liked you.”

“You think so?”

“Definitely.   My Ma wont send it in the mail, so I’ll have to wait till I get back home to get it. But I have it, and it’s yours. It’s always been yours.”  

He let go of your hand and reached for your cheek, pulling you to him into a gentle kiss.  As you broke off from the kiss you placed your foreheads together.

“And yes, I was sure.”

The noise outside was getting louder, trucks could be heard coming and going, and more and more voices could be heard.  You were out of time.

“I need to get up.”  You said sadly.

“I know.”

Yet neither of you moved.

Suddenly there was loud knock on the door.  The knock on the door was not unexpected, but it was unwelcomed, and made both of you groan.

“Lt?  Cpt Winters wants to see you ASAP.”  You heard through the door.

You sighed, eyes closed, forehead still pressed to Bucky’s.  "Tell Winters I’ll be there as soon as I can Luz.“

There wasn’t anything more that came from the door.  It didn’t surprise you that Luz had come knocking on Bucky’s door looking for you.  You’d like to think he had tried your door first, and getting no answer had come knocking here.  But who were you kidding, you would of tried Bucky’s door first too.

You opened your eyes and found Bucky to be staring at you intently. Neither one of you said anything, as you parted and got up.  You needed to get your clothes, go to your room and take a quick bath.  You slipped the dress on, zipping it up quickly.

"I’ll gather the rest up, you go get cleaned up and changed.” Bucky said as he pulled his pants up.

You quickly kissed him, and swiped a t-shirt that was hanging on a chair before turning around and leaving his room.  

~

It didn’t take you long to clean up, you were barely in the water long enough to get wet.  You had put on Bucky’s shirt, which was too big on you, but you didn’t care.  You were in the process of putting your pants on, when you heard the knock on the door.

“God dammit!  Tell Winters I’ll be there soon!”  You yelled at the door as you buttoned your pants and sat down on the bed to put your boots on.

“Well if you insist, but I thought I’d bring you your stuff back first.”  

You smiled when you heard Bucky’s voice through the door.

“Well come on in then.”  You answered.

Bucky came in wearing his blue coat, you loved that coat on him, it brought out his eyes.  You noticed his hands were full with your folded clothes.  He saw that you had your duffle on the bed, and neatly placed the items in them as you finish tying up your boots.

When you stood up, Bucky took a moment to appreciate the sight of you in his shirt.

“Mmm…Only you can make army greens look damn fine, doll.”

You smiled at him and kissed him sweetly, before turning around and leaning over to pick up Bucky’s clean sweater to put on.  Bucky stopped you.  You turned to him a little confused.  Bucky just smiled and handed you another sweater.  You recognised it as being the sweater he had worn yesterday.  Smiling you took it and put it on.  The smell from the shirt and sweater made you feel like you were being held by Bucky, well minus the pressure you would be feeling from his arms around you.  But it was close enough, and it would have to do.

You handed Bucky the sweater you had worn yesterday.  He shrugged off his blue coat and put it on.  Smiling to smell you on the sweater.

Bucky sat down on the bed and watched you continue to shuffle about. You were grateful that you tended to live out of your duffle bag, and weren’t one of those people that it only took 2 seconds in a space to spread your stuff about.  Stuffing the last of your few belongings into the bag you closed it. You braided your hair, put your jacket on, and swung your medic bag over your shoulder.

“Well, I guess I’m ready.”  You said as you turned around to Bucky who was still sitting on the side of the bed.

You watched him play with something in his hands as he stood up.

“I don’t have a ring to give you right now, so I thought instead I could give you this.”

You looked at the object he was holding out at you to see what looked like a dog tag.  Taking it from his hand you looked at it more closely.

‘James Buchanan Barnes’, you smiled when you saw the stamped letters on the thin piece of metal.

You went to your neck and pulled your tags out, taking one of them off, you handed it to him.  Both of you smiling brightly as you added the other’s tag to your own.

You looked at the two tags in your hand.  Brushing your thumb over the stamped letters, James Buchanan Barnes and Y/N.

When you looked back up, Bucky pulled you into a passionate kiss.

~

You found Winters amidst a sea of troop trucks and supply trucks trying to oversee it all.  Doc Roe had already begun moving the medical supplies to the supply truck, and had made sure nothing had “mysteriously” disappeared overnight, as they sometimes tend to do.

Seeing that Roe had everything under control you headed to the hospital to see which of the boys would be left in your care and who would be staying behind. Courtesy of the HYDRA energy weapons, most of the injuries incurred by your boys were minor, meaning all but one would be coming back to France with you.  After making sure all the boys were packed up and ready to go, you officially took over their care by “signing” for them.  This always made you feel like you were signing out books from a library or signing for a package, and not dealing with actual people. 'We’re just cogs in a wheel’  you thought.

The boys were in good spirits as you escorted them back towards the marshalling area where they were reunited with their friends.  You went to Winters with the paperwork you’d gotten from the hospital, and gave your report on the returning men’s conditions.

It was getting close to T-time and you were getting anxious.  You hadn’t seen Bucky since you’d left your room. You knew he would take your duffle bag and bring it to the transport truck as you went on to do your duties. But you hadn’t seen him since.  In a way you had been glad, you’re not sure you could of done your duties with a clear head with a silent Bucky as your shadow the entire time.  What do you say to someone in those moments when you’re in that limbo between being here and being gone.  How do you fill those awkward moments, without making it worse, without breaking the fragile illusion that everything is still as it was and not about to change dramatically.

You didn’t want to leave him.  Everything in you was telling you to stay, everything except for that annoying little voice in your gut that was never wrong.  To see Bucky again, you had to go.  Your way home wasn’t here.  You’re way to a life with Bucky wasn’t here.

 

'I’ll see him again, he’s going to be fine.’

'No he’s not and you know it.’

'You don’t know that.’

'You sure about that?’

'no…’

 

'I need to stay.’

'You can’t, and you know it, you can’t help him if you stay, you’ll only make things worse.’

'Maybe not.’

'Uh huh, look who you’re talking to girl.  You staying won’t change what’s coming for him.’

'Maybe you’re wrong.’

'Right…’

'God dammit, can’t you be wrong just this once!’

'No.’

The internal war you were having with yourself was giving you a migraine. Trying to figure out if there was any possible way you could save Bucky from whatever was coming for him.  And it always came back to: you needed to leave to be with him.  If you stayed you would only be making things worse and somehow you would loose Bucky forever.  So leave and something bad happens to Bucky but you’ll be reunited with him and have a life together.  Or stay, have a few more weeks together, then loose him forever.  In the grand scheme of things there was no dilemma, but it didn’t make it any easier to walk away.

You rubbed your eyes and forehead, trying to get rid of the migraine to no avail. Strong arms came from behind to wrap you in a tight hug.  You smiled, and relaxed into the embrace.

“Hey, it’s not worth it.  This isn’t goodbye.”  Bucky had recognised your migraine for what it was. 

In the early hours of the morning, in the dark, you two had talked.  Bucky had confessed to you the increasing feeling he had, that in the morning it would be the last time he would see you.  That this war was going to take you away from him somehow.

In the dark you had told him that something was coming for him, and that he needed to be safe, not to do anything stupid.  That you couldn’t stay to make sure he was safe.  That if you wanted a life with eachother, you had to leave. In the confusing fog that were your feelings right now, there was one thing that you were absolutely sure about. You would be together again, the morning would not be a goodbye, but a see you later. 

You would both survive this war.  Deep in your soul you knew that.

Your instincts were never wrong.  But neither were Bucky’s.  He didn’t have these foreshadowing feelings often, but when he did they always came to pass. And in there lied the dilemma, how could both of you be right? 

But Bucky believed in you more than he did in himself.  He wasn’t clean, he could feel himself changing everyday.  If either one of you could be wrong it would be him.  And so Bucky clung to your certainty, like a drowning man to a life preserver.

You turned around in Bucky’s arms to face him.

“I know it isn’t, just hoping for a little more insight is all.”

“Don’t.  It’s not worth the migraine.”  Bucky said as he stroked your hair, and tucked some stray strands behind your ear.

“You’re worth all the migraines in the world.”  You answered, with a sad smile.

“Hey.  I’d rather not know anything.  Too much information is just as bad as none.  I don’t want it to make me second guess myself, overanalyse every decision, muddy the waters.  You know how deadly that can be on the battlefield.  For all we know that second guessing is what sets everything in motion. So it’s better to just keep on going on. Besides, you say we’ll be together in the end, that’s all that matters.  I’d walk through hell to get back to you, go through Austria again, and I’d do it as many times as I’d need to.  Because you’re worth it.  Because it’s worth it to be with you again.  So stop your worrying.”

“But if I can make it so you don’t have to, I have to try.”

“I know.  And maybe we’re making it out worse than what its actually going to be too.  Maybe I just miss my train home because Steve got into a back alley fight again and I end up with a black eye.”

You chuckled at Bucky’s attempt to lighten the mood.

“That man has no self-preservation instincts.”  

“You’re telling me.”  He laughed. “Always leaves his left side open too.”

“Hmm not really, because that’s where you always are.”  You said as you leaned in to peck his lips.

Every one was giving the two of you space, and also avoiding be the one to break you two up.  Seeing the both of you brought them back to their own goodbyes with their loved ones.  And the desperate want, the desperate need for more time. 

Just a bit more time.

Jacques Dernier came up to the two of you out of nowhere, and with a smug smile handed you both a small brown envelope.  Curious and intrigued you both opened your respective envelopes, and in them you found photographs.

It turns out Jacques had found a photo camera on one of the Howling Commandos’ missions, and had discovered a new hobby in the process.  He had become the Howling Commandos unofficial photographer. He didn’t go anywhere without that camera, and was always taking pictures.

You smiled brightly when you saw them, as your eyes began to water.  You gave Jacques a heartfelt hug and thanked him, Bucky patted his back gratefully.  And without saying anything Jacques walked away. 

You looked back at the photographs in your hand.  There were three, two of the two of you, and one of Bucky alone.  There was one where Bucky was holding onto you and you were both laughing.  One were the both of you were looking at eachother lovingly.  And one of Bucky laughing.  All had been taken during your joint mission with the Howling Commandos. You were both beaten and battered, yet so happy.

You heard the final order go out.  "Everyone mount up.“

Looking back at Bucky.  There was so much you still needed to say.  You took his face into your hands, making sure he was looking at you.

"I love you.  I will _always_ love you.  And we _will_ be together again.  We _will_ have our happily ever after, I promise you that.  This isn’t goodbye.”

Bucky smiled softly at you and leaned in to give you a loving kiss. Pouring everything he felt for you into it, as he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close.

“I love you.  And we will be together again.  This isn’t goodbye.”  Bucky said when the kiss ended.

You both took a deep breath and separated from eachother.

With a hand up from Bucky and one of the boys you’d climbed up into the nearest troop truck.  Turning around, holding onto the railing as you stayed standing, you looked down at Bucky.

Neither one of you said a word as the truck roared to life with all the others. Bucky side stepped to the side out of the way as your truck jerked forward and started driving away. 

You never broke eye contact with each other as the truck pulled you further and further away from him.  You stayed standing in the back, holding onto the railing long after the moment Bucky had disappeared from your sight.  Praying that whatever was coming for Bucky wasn’t as bad as you felt it was going to be, and that you would see him again, sooner rather than later.

Bucky stayed standing in the middle of the road long after the convoy had left his sight.  ‘She said you’ll be together again’ ‘she’s never wrong’ he kept repeating to himself. It had been easier to convince himself when you had been here.  But with you gone, Bucky couldn’t tamper down the growing feeling that he was never going to see you again.

“I will see you again Y/N” Bucky said firmly out loud.

‘Not In this lifetime’ a small voice whispered in the depths of his soul.  It startled Bucky.  Where had that come from?

Regardless of where it had sprung up from, he knew that the small voice was right.  But you were never wrong.

“Not in this lifetime” he whispered to himself.

And it dawned on Bucky then, that that was how the both of you could be right.

~*~

TBC in Ch.10 ~~  
~~


	11. Book 2 - Late '44 & Early '45 Ch. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: Angst  
> Word count: 5156
> 
> Italic = flashback  
> ‘internal thoughts’  
> A/N: Lt = lieutenant; Cpt = Captain; Sgt = Sergeant; Col = Colonel; CP = Command Post  
> A/N: Ch 10 is split into 2 chapters due to its length. This chapter follows the reader, the next Bucky.

~*~

_“You know, Bucky and I, we’re not going anywhere. You can’t get rid of us even if you wanted to, you’re stuck with us.  We’re all going to grow old together, best get used to the idea.”_

_“Assuming we survive this war first.”_

_“Don’t worry Steve, we’ll survive it.  I know we will.”_

_And that is all Steve needed to squash that momentary doubt out of existence.  You were never wrong._

~

It was movie night, and you and most of the boys were sitting in this gymnasium turned into a makeshift movie theatre.  Mostly because it was a warm place that wasn’t outside, not so much because there was a movie playing.  To be honest you had no idea what the movie was about, other than it had John Wayne in it, and he was dressed in what looked like navy dress whites.  You weren’t paying attention to it, you were sitting in the back and could barely see the screen.  Besides you were busy writing a letter to Bucky, well trying to finish one you’d started earlier.  Lets face it this letter was turning into a novel, you were now on page 7? 8? Something like that.  You just really didn’t want to end the letter, it was too much like saying goodbye all over again, so you kept writing.

Suddenly the door beside you swung open loudly and a two men walked in.  You knew the moment the two soldiers barged in that your little rest period was over. As they walked down the centre aisle the lights came on and the movie stopped, much to the displeasure of the men watching it.  After silencing everyone they told you that the Germans had broken through the line in the Ardennes, and to report to your units ASAP.

The Ardennes, that was a giant forest that covered France, Belgium, and Germany right?  You tried to recall from the maps you’d seen here and there.  This was not going to be fun.  You folded your letter up and stuffed it in your bag.  

‘Here we go again.’  You thought with a sigh, as you got up and followed the boys out.

You weren’t even out of the theatre yet and you were already missing it’s warmth.

Luckily it was a full moon tonight, which made your life a little easier since you could actually see where you were going and what you were doing without having to juggle a flash light.  You scrounged up as much medical supplies as you could steal.  You didn’t bother asking, in the chaos of organising the immediate deployment no one was going to notice anyways, and you had a feeling this was not going to be a fun one, so best have as much as you could get.  You were already hearing the word amongst the boys that they would be low on amo and rations, and there was no winter gear available.  Oh yeah, this was going to be just great.

You met up with Roe and the new medic Spina, whom you’d acquired upon your return to France, and split what little medical supplies you had found amongst you.  You also threw in the back of one of the trucks every wool blanket you’d stolen from off the beds in the barracks.  If you weren’t going to be given winter gear, well then you were taking as many of the bases wool blankets you could steal.  You also had the great insight to steal some needle and thread, bases never had enough suturing silk on hand and needles were easily lost or broken.  And who knows, you might actually end up using them to sew mittens and tuques for the boys.

Yep this was going to be one for the history books, you could just feel it.

~

They drove you in troop truck as close to the line as they dared, the rest you would walk.  At the marshalling area they threw some gas in holes in the ground and lit them on fire for warmth while the men waited for the Officers to figure out what the plan would be.

‘Guess the blackout’s no longer in effect. The Luftwaffe must be asleep.’ You though as you jumped out of the truck.

You quickly began distributing the wool blankets amongst the boys.  There weren’t nearly enough for all of them, but they could share, and more importantly, they would add them to their gear and carry them into the forest for you.

When Col Sink finally showed up, you made sure to join them by the jeep were he would detail the plan.  It was a simple enough plan.  Easy Company’s job was going to hold Bastogne at all cost.  You could just see the causality list getting longer and longer the more Col Sink talked.

Sink jumped back into his Jeep, and before driving off told Winters that no matter what to hold the line.

“Great were going to end up being surrounded aren’t we.”  You accidentally let slip out.

“We’re paratroopers, we’re supposed to be surrounded.”  Winters replied with a smirk.

You just rolled your eyes.  You were about to give a great comeback when you suddenly noticed soldiers slowly filtering down the road.  Some had been patched up, most where in shock, but all were defeated.  What ever had just happened to them in that forest, it had been too much for them, and it had broken them.

Your heart sank, and you tampered down the rising dread.  You knew that it was now Easy’s turn to go into the lion’s den, and try to do what these brave men had failed to do… Hold the line.

Your heart broke for these men, you knew they would never be the same again. You wanted to help them, but you needed to think of your boys first.  So ignoring your instincts to assess and treat these men, you instead started asking them for their first aid kits.  Some handed them to you without hesitation, while others were still so in shock that they just starred at you blankly, so you just quickly patted them down to find what you were looking for.  You noticed the boys following suit and began taking whatever ammunition these soldiers still had.

And so on December 19th 1944, Easy Company moved into the woods outside Bastogne, expected to hold it with no artillery or air support, short on ammunition, food, and medicine, and with no winter gear in what history would record as one of the coldest winters of the region.

~

‘God it was cold’ you thought as you wrapped the nurses wool cape you’d gotten in Italy tighter around yourself.  Turns out Bucky had stuffed another sweater into your duffle bag. With two sweaters on, your coat, and the wool cape you were still freezing, that’s how cold it was.

Lucky you, you had a foxhole all to yourself right now.  Which sure, if it had been nice and warm out you would of appreciated the attempt at giving you privacy, but it was freezing cold, and you could use someone else’s body heat right now.  You’d go find another foxhole to jump into later when it would be time for a nap.  You usually wandered around when you were awake, making sure everyone was alright, and also in an attempt to stay warm yourself.

You’d determined that Dante was wrong, hell wasn’t an inferno, it was freezing cold, and it was here.  This was a kind of cold that didn’t just settle into your bones, but into the depths of your soul.  It was so damn cold that you would warm your hands in the wounds you were treating, taking in what little body heat they had to keep your frozen fingers working.  But it was a double edge sword.  What little warmth you got was immediately stolen away from the wetness of the blood that leached away all warmth in the freezing cold.

Yes this was hell.  Dante was wrong.

You breathed on your hands trying to warm them up before continuing your letter to Bucky.  You tried to explain to him just how cold it was, maybe the jittery handwriting would do a better job of it than your words.  In this new letter you were telling him about your last little jaunt trying to find 3rd Battalion for some supplies, and ending up on the enemies side of the line by mistake.  Something you were sure he didn’t really want to hear, but made an entertaining story nonetheless.  The shock on all your faces when you’d fallen through a German covered foxhole was priceless. The awkward “Hi” and wave you’d given them, before scrambling out and running back towards the direction you’d just come from.  They must have been quite in shock to see a woman, because you never heard any gunshots coming from behind you as you ran away.  There were so many holes in your frontline and theirs that it was easy for both side to accidentally wander into the other sides camp.  In fact just the other day a German soldier practically walked into Easy’s CP just to take a shit. 

You sighed and started folding your letter up.  Not bad, so far you were only on page four of this one, double sided mind you.  You’d decided that when you reached ten pages in a letter it was time to mail it.  The boys teased you about the bricks you were mailing, but mostly were amazed that you were able to find so much paper to write on.  Cpt Winters knew exactly were it was coming from, as he regularly found himself short on paper to write his reports on.

“Well the way I see it Dick, it forces you to be straight and to the point.”  Cpt Nixon would tease when Winters would complain about it.

Mail was slow on the frontline, although you’d mailed several letters to Bucky by now, you’d only received one letter from him.  You weren’t to worried about it, since unlike Bucky’s, your headquarters was constantly moving, and the fact that mail made it to you at all was a miracle.

Roe came to find you, telling you to get ready, since as per Winters there was “a lot of shit headed our way”. 

“I know Eugene.”  You said as you tucked the letter away.  You had actually just been about to get up and make your way to your makeshift aid station.

“Of course you do.”  Roe held out his hand to help you up.

No sooner were you on your feet that the first shells started landing and exploding around you.  Making both of you jump back into the foxhole you’d just gotten out of.  It wasn’t long after that until you heard the first cries for a medic.  Looking at each other, you got back up and started running towards the cry, dodging explosions as you went.  'Here we go again’.

You slid into the foxhole like you were sliding into home plate during a baseball game.  Penkala was holding his forearm writhing in pain.  You grabbed it to see how bad it was.  Luckily for him it wasn’t too deep, wouldn’t even need stitches.  You brushed most of the dirt out of the way, before emptying a pack of sulfa powder over the wound.  Roe took out a bandage and wrapped it up.  Patting his shoulder you scrambled out of the foxhole in a hurry. Roe looked at you strangely for a second, before he heard another cry for a medic.  Scrambling he quickly followed you, but you were heading in the opposite direction.

“You go, I gotta go to the aid station!”  You yelled at him as you pointed in the direction of the cry.

~

You were the aid station, which meant whenever the enemy attacked anywhere on your end of the perimeter soldiers were brought to you first. You’d set up your makeshift aid station not too far from Easy’s CP that way you had access to a radio if you needed a jeep to medevac someone.

You’d been lucky, in the last bombardment you’d only had to medevac three to Bastogne, and had only lost one.  And now you were just finishing up suturing one of the boys’ leg.  He was going to be sore for a bit, but he was going to be fine.  He wouldn’t be coming off the line today.

You washed your hands, threw your bloody instruments into a boiling pot to clean and sterilise them, and began to take stock of what you had left.  Which wasn’t much.  You were down to your last two morphine, you had no plasma, no penicillin, and your sulfa powder was running dangerously low.  Bandages were running low, but they could always be macgyvered if need be, and you were running out of thread to use for sutures. 

'Great, just great’  you thought.

You couldn’t even go around asking for your boys’ personal aid kits, because you’d already done that and already used most of them.  Spina had already gone to the other aid stations to see what he could scrounge up, and had come back practically bare handed.  So you had sent Roe to Bastogne to see what he could come back with, and to get a hot meal while he was at it.  But you weren’t overly hopeful, until this god damn fog lifted you and Bastogne would not be getting re-supplied anytime soon. 

All in all, if the enemy decided to make a serious run at you now, you’d be screwed.  And it was just a matter of time.

~

You had walked up to the front of the line, to the edge of the forest and just stood there, hands in your pocket just looking out.  Probably not the smartest thing in the world, since you were out in the open, exposed.  But there you stood nonetheless.  You could sorta see the treeline on the other side through the thin curtain of fog.  You imagined it was probably a very scenic area on a clear sunny day, trees covered with a thin layer of snow on their branches, white crisp snow and blue skies.  Yes it was probably very scenic when it wasn’t littered with foxholes and splintered trees from exploding shells, and you could just walk back to your nice warm house and have a nice warm meal.

As the sun began to rise, you noticed the fog was also lifting.  You smiled.   'Finally’ you thought as you looked up at the sky and closed your eyes, letting out a sigh of relief.

Sgt Lipton was doing his morning “rounds”, making sure the boys where good and just generally trying to keep moral up, when he saw you standing out there on the edge of the tree line.

‘Oh that’s not good’ he thought to himself as he hurried towards you.

Lipton was coming up behind you with every intention of unceremoniously yanking you back off the frontline.  It was not a good idea to have their only surgeon this close to the frontline in plane view of the enemy.  Regardless of how visible your Medic arm band was.  Before he could reach you though, you turned around and started walking back with a smile on your face.  Lipton looked at you confused.

“Just wait for it.”  you said as you continued back towards your aid station.  You had a jeep to call.

It didn’t take long for Lipton to hear them, and he smiled too.  Spitfires and C-47s, they were bringing supplies, there was going to be a drop.

You and Roe rode into Bastogne with a few of the boys to gather up as many supplies as you could carry.  As you were gathering supplies in the church, wounded soldiers began filtering in, and you and Roe joined in to help. 

After Roe had done all he could, he went to find you.  You of course still had lots to do, as there were till some critically injured soldiers to tend to.  You told him to take whatever supplies he could and bring them back to the line, you’d follow as soon as you could.

It was nightfall by the time you returned to the frontline.  You’d scrounged up some more supplies before you left, and you’d decided it was best to eat your hot meal on the ride back. You’d lingered in Bastogne longer than you had intended to, and you needed to get back as soon as possible. The Germans weren’t going to wait long before attacking, especially now that you had been resupplied.  They also weren’t going to run the risk of you getting reinforcements now that the weather had cleared.

And you were right, the next day they came at you hard.  Turns out they were waiting for the weather to clear too.

But your boys held the line. 

~

It was Christmas Eve now, and the cook somehow had managed to make a special stew to mark the event.  His version of a Christmas gift you supposed.  You weren’t exactly sure what was in your stew, but it smelled better than it usually did, so there was that.  

Col Sink came by to give Easy some bit of news, just ass most of the men had gotten their food.  Pulling out a piece of paper he began reading it.

“Men, General McAulliffe wishes us a Merry Christmas.  What’s merry about all this you ask.  Just this.  We’ve stopped cold everything that’s been thrown at us from the north, east, south, and west.  Now two days ago, the German commander demanded our honourable surrender, save the USA encircled troops from total annihilation.  The German commander received the following reply: to the German commander - Nuts!

For giving our country and loved ones at home a worthy Christmas present, by being privileged to take part in this gallant feat of arms, we’re truly making for ourselves a merry Christmas.”

This little speech was indeed a Christmas gift, the boys were now chuckling and laughing and saying “nuts” to each other.  Their spirits had been lifted, and you were glad to see them laughing.  But it did little for you.  You scratched at a patch of dry blood on your hand and turned around, hot stew in hand you walked back to your aid station.

You sat on a log and began to eat.  You looked down at the blood soaked ground.  Everywhere around you there was white snow, and here and there some black earth, except here.  Here the snow was red, the dirt had a red tinge to it, and you could smell the faint smell of copper on the crisp winter air.  The smell would have been stronger if the ground hadn’t been frozen.  You should know, you had been on the beaches in June.  The mix of blood, rotting flesh, sea salt, sand, gun powder and smoke was something you’d never be able to forget.  Recalling the smell made you loose your appetite and you put your bowl down.  You went back to staring at the ground in front of you, your mind going to all the men that had contributed to the stain in front of you.

You hadn’t realized you’d started crying until your cheeks started freezing from the wetness.  ‘Great, now I’m going to get frostbite from crying, just fantastic’ you thought as you wiped your cheeks dry.  God you missed being warm.  You pulled the nurse cape out of a box and draped it over yourself.  You should go find a napping partner for warmth, you were so tired all of a sudden, but all you did was slide to the ground.  There was only one napping partner you wanted and he was thousands of miles away doing god knows what.  You pulled one of your sweaters up as you tucked your face under the collar.  It didn’t even smell like him anymore.  This brought on another round of tears, one you couldn’t stop, and you fell asleep crying.

~

When the bombardment started that night, and Cpt Winters started yelling for a medic, you just sat there and didn’t move.  You couldn’t do this anymore, you just couldn’t.  You couldn’t patch up another mangled body, couldn’t cut into another one, couldn’t feel their warm blood on your hands, you couldn’t loose another one.  You closed your eyes and tried to ignore the cries for a medic.  Tried to ignore your body’s almost pavlovian response to the cry for help, the innate need to help.  Mentally you couldn’t do this anymore, you couldn’t wipe away the blood anymore, there was too much blood.  They just kept coming, no matter what you did, they just kept coming, with no end in sight.  They said your touch was a gift, it felt more like a curse.  You never wanted to touch another wounded man again.

Heffron jumped into the aid station and grabbed your collar, making you look at him, but you weren’t seeing him.

“Come on Lt, Cpt’s calling for you.”  He yelled over the explosions, shaking you in the process.

The jostling seemed to put the despaired thoughts back in their places and snapped you out of your frozen state.  Letting your body take control over the situation.

“Right, right.”  you said as you got up and ran towards the screams.

~

On December 26th 1944, Patton’s Third Army broke through the German line, allowing supplies to come in and the wounded to be evacuated. 

You breathed a sigh of relief.

~

**Jan 2nd 1945**

Easy had held the line at Bastogne, and now was needed to push the Germans back through the Bulge.  Easy Company would be sent to clear the Bois Jacques just outside the town of Foy. You knew this was just the first step in what would ultimately be an assault to retake the town from the Germans. Clearing the woods would be relatively easy, and should be relatively low on casualties, you hoped.  If nothing else you were out of your foxholes and walking, keeping yourselves warm…ish.

Everything considered, clearing the Bois Jacques was a relatively pleasant mission. The weather was clear, there was no shelling or exploding trees, no one was shooting at you, all in all a pretty peaceful walk in the woods.  But the forest had to end at some point you supposed, and with the tree line approaching it meant it would be time to dig yourselves back in.   

The most exciting thing that happened while clearing the woods was Hoobler finally getting the Luger he’d been wanting since Normandy.  It was quite a story, he’d shot the German officer while he was riding away horse back.  It had been quite the shot on Hobbler’s part.  You chuckled as he went around from foxhole to foxhole showing off his prize and retelling how he got it.

“Hey Hoobler, be careful with that thing, don’t got shooting yourself in the foot with it.”  You told him as he went by you to go to another foxhole to retell his glorious story.

“I won’t!”  he yelled back at you, giving you that cocky childish smile of his.  He was so proud.

You just shook your head chuckling and went back to digging.  Something was nagging at you though, and after a few more shovel fulls you planted the shovel into the dirt and went after him.

You’d barely made it a few feet when you heard the shot.  A few seconds after you started running you found him on the ground writhing in pain, garbing at this leg.  You saw the red spot growing on his leg, as you got to work. 'Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.’ It wasn’t long until others joined you. You vaguely remember Lt Compton and Sgt Lipton yelling about keeping Hoobler warm and trying to keep him focused on them and not what you were doing.  You cut and ripped through his many layers of clothes to get to the hole in his leg.  That’s when you realised he was bleeding too much and too fast.  'Shit, shit, shit.' 

Roe joined you, quickly realising what was going on he quickly joined in. You pulled out a pair of clamps, while Roe started to make a makeshift tourniquet.  Not being gentle, you jammed the clamps into his leg through the hole, and going purely by feel you tried to get at the artery you knew was severed. By the time you got it though it was too late. 

Lt Compton had been trying to get your attention by calling out your name.

“Y/N!" 

Hoobler had stopped writhing a few moments ago.  You looked up, seeing the look on his face and the colour of his skin, you brought your blood soaked fingers to his neck to check for a pulse. You sighed in defeat and closed your eyes, as you let yourself sit down unceremoniously onto the ground.  The others followed suit, as the reality of the situation hit them, Hoobler was dead.

You tried to wipe your hands on your pants, before you brought one up to your forehead, willing yourself not to cry, smearing some blood on your face regardless.  You closed Hobbler’s eyes, licking your thumb you tried to clean the bloody stain you’d created when you’d checked his pulse.  A bright red stain on pale white skin.  Someone handed you a blanket, and you covered him up.  Knowing that he was in your care, the boys began to get up and walk away, going back to the task at hand of digging themselves in.

You eventually made it back to your aid station, you still needed to finish digging it out and reinforcing it.  To your surprise you found that the boys had finished it for you.  Don’t get me wrong, you were grateful, very grateful.  It’s just now you had no excuse to not fill out your casualty report and give your report to Winters.  Two things you really didn’t want to do.  Out of a box you pulled out the casualty report form. Leave it to the military to have a standard form to fill when someone got injured or died, a fill in the blanks type form.  You’d filled out so many of these.   'We seemed to run out of everything except these stupid pieces of paper’ you huffed as you sat down to fill it out.  You hated casualty reports, they were cold and impersonal, boiling down a whole life into a list of wounds and cause of death.  Reflecting nothing of who the person had been, and the impact they had had on the people around them.

But then again, it was still better than having to write a condolence letter to the family.  You honestly didn’t know how Winters did it.  How many of those letters had he had to write so far?  How many more would he have to write before this shit show was over?

You looked at the piece of paper in your hand.  Everything about this sucked.

It didn’t take long for you to fill out the report, and once done you braced yourself and headed over to the CP.  As you got there you found out that Sgt Lipton had already given Winters a verbal report of what had happened, you made a mental note to thank him later, and so you handed him your sheet of paper and went to leave when Winters offered you a cup of hot something.  You’d like to call it food, but that would be too generous.  But you were grateful for it nonetheless, it was hot at least.  You sat down and began drinking it.

~

**Jan 3rd 1945**

Col Sink came by, and brought with him a camera crew.  You avoided them and they avoided you, you weren’t part of the narrative they wanted to tell, and you were fine with that.  It seemed to make the boys happy to be filmed though, all hopeful that their families back home would get to see this. 

You’d joined the CP for what you knew was going to be a briefing on the upcoming attack of Foy.  You were a conundrum Col Sink didn’t want to think about.  As far as he was concerned, you were a darn fine person, and an even more exceptional nurse and "surgeon”, it’s just you were a woman, and on the frontline, and that went against every male instinct he had. But Sink was a practical man.  His men needed a surgeon, and he technically had one.  Plus he couldn’t deny your uncanny sixth sense, that had on more than one occasion saved a lot of lives.  And to make things worse, you also had a good tactical mind as well.  You would of made one hell of a soldier, had you been a man.

Just before the briefing was about to begin, you walked to the side.  Joe Toye had suddenly showed up, arm still in a sling, he’d decided he’d had enough of the field hospital.  He took off his sling, trying to convince Cpt Winters that he was more than fine to return to the line, Winters looked at you telling you it was up to you and not him.  You looked at Joe up and down, weighing your options.  You hesitated for a moment, before you told him to come see you every day so you could make sure he was healing properly, otherwise you’d send him back. 

“I mean it Joe.”  You said in your best 'mom’ voice as you pointed your finger at him in warning.

“I will.  I promise.”  Hiding his relief, Joe begrudgingly said before he walked away.

 

By mid-afternoon the shells started raining down.  Trees and dirt exploding everywhere.

When the bombs started falling, instead of running towards the aid station you started running the opposite way. 'Dammit!’ You should of known.  Why had you agreed?  You should of sent him back.

Trees were exploding all around you.  Suddenly you were thrown to the ground by a the explosion of a shell that landed a little too close for comfort.  Stunned, it took you a moment to realise that the shelling had stopped, as dirt, snow and branches fell gently to the ground.  Shaking your head clear, you got back up on your feet and started running again towards your destination.  That’s when you saw them.  Oh this wasn’t good.  Bill Guarnere was holding up a wounded Joe Toye and he was trying to head towards the aid station, until he saw you heading their way.  And just as quickly as the first barrage ended a second one started.  Dodging falling branches and flying dirt and rocks you sped up towards them as the two men tried to find cover.

~*~

TBC in Ch. 10.5


	12. Book 2 - Late '44 & Early '45 Ch. 10.5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: Angst  
> Word count:4720
> 
> Italic = flashback  
> ‘internal thoughts’  
> A/N: Lt = lieutenant; Cpt = Captain; Sgt = Sergeant; Col = Colonel; CP = Command Post  
> A/N: Ch 10 is split into 2 chapters due to its length. This is part 2.

~*~

There was something grey and foreboding about this particular morning. Steve sat on the edge of his bed, the early morning light just starting to filter through the curtains.  He had been up earlier than usual this morning. He couldn’t tell what exactly had made him wake up so early, but he hadn’t been able to go back to sleep. Giving up he had decided to go for an extra long morning run.  But no amount of running could shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen.

Bucky starred out of his window, something had woken him up in the night and he’d been sitting on the side of his bed since.  He’d watched the sunrise, it was a beautiful sunrise by any standard, yet there was something cold and gray about it.  Something heavy was hanging in the air.

Bucky played with the dog tags around his neck, staring at the stamped letters forming your name and his.  Two tags, representing the sum of two lives that had crossed paths in the middle of a war zone.  Two souls forever bound, despite their short time together.

“I will see you soon my love.”  He said aloud as tears fell from his eyes.

He knew, he just knew.  He’d just been hoping the darkness was lying to him, but the sun was up now, and it was starring him right in the face.  He knew, he just knew.

~

That morning when the clerk came into his office with a telegraph, Col Philips knew instantly it was bad news.  It was taking the clerk everything not to cry, as he handed him the telegraph with a trembling hand.  

There was nothing Col Phillips hated more than death notifications.  He hated writing those letters to the fallens’ families.  The words were pretty standard, their loved one had served with courage and dignity, and their sacrifice was worth it.  The words always felt hollow and empty though, and he would have loved nothing more than to delegate this to someone else, but it needed to come from him. The burden of command.  And so Phillips walked out of his office and went to find Barnes. 

When he stepped out of the brick building, he saw Barnes and Rogers coming towards him. When Steve saw the Colonel he knew Bucky had been right.  Steve had just spent the last hour trying to convince Bucky that he was wrong, that you were still alive, because you had told him you would all survive this war.

As they came to a stop in front of each other, Philips handed Bucky the telegraph with a sad and apologetic look.  Bucky took it and absentmindedly read it, before letting it drop to the ground as he walked towards the building his room was in.

Steve picked up the piece of paper, quickly reading it, he looked back up to Phillips, still hoping it was a lie.  But found nothing but regret and sorrow in the Colonel’s eyes.  It was true then, you were dead.  Trying to process this news, Steve looked back at the piece of paper in his hand, then back up.  'Oh God, Bucky…‘ 

When Bucky reached his room, he opened the door and walked into the middle of the room and just stood there, as if frozen, unsure of what to do next. Steve had been running to catch up to Bucky and came to a halt when he reached the door, finding Bucky inside just standing there.  He watched his best friend carefully, unsure of what to say or do.

Steve jumped backwards startled when Bucky suddenly picked up a chair and threw it at the mirror, shattering it.  By the time Steve had Bucky in a bear hug stopping him, he had already trashed most of his room. 

The commotion had drawn a lot of attention, and realising what was going on Dum Dum motioned for the others to scatter and leave them be.  There was nothing they could do for their friend right now, and reluctantly they all left quietly.

Steve held onto his best friend tightly, as Bucky began to cry.  And when his legs gave out from under him, Steve lowered them to the ground.  Bucky held onto his best friend for dear life, grabbing Steve’s shirt and bunching it in his fist, as he finally let his heart and soul completely shatter.  Steve didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say, so he just held Bucky as he tried to not cry and failed.

~

When Gabe walked into Peggy’s office, she was standing behind her desk looking over some files.  When she looked up and saw Gabe’s somber expression, she lowered her papers onto her desk and slowly sat down as dread filled her.  As the words spilled form his mouth, tears formed in her eyes as she brought a hand to her face. 

In the main supply room, Scrooge placed a box of bandages on a shelf in row M4, and sadly patted the shelf before he continued on.

A hushed silence settled throughout the base as the news spread.  Everything came to a standstill, as the sun lost all its warmth, and the world became gray. 

You hadn’t been here long, but you had made a lasting impression on everyone. Even though they might not have realised it, until the space you had occupied was now empty. 

~

Bucky sat on the ground, leaning against his bed, Steve sitting beside him. Neither spoke.  Bucky wiped the wetness from his face, but every time he thought there was no more left, more tears would just fall and stain his cheeks once more.

You had said you’d all survive this war.  They had believed you because you were never wrong.  But you had been wrong.

~

The American and Canadian Armies had no idea who to officially notify of your death.  It turns out no one really knew who or where your family was, or if they were even still alive.  You had never really talked about them, except saying that you had been traveling together at the beginning of the war and gotten separated.  That you had found out later that they had made it back to Canada safe and sound.  And that they weren’t very enthused with you joining the military as a nurse and staying in Europe, and people just assumed you were estranged from them because of it. No one pushed you on the issue, not everyone came from the perfect supporting ideal family, and they respected that you just didn’t want to talk about it.  And so with no family on record, Bucky as your fiancé became the default person to notify and the recipient of your belongings. 

It had happened at Foy, on January 3rd 1945, in what people were now calling the ‘Battle of the Bulge’.  During one of the bombings, you had pushed Toye and Guarnere out of the way, taking the brunt of the explosion.  And just like that there was nothing left of you.  Guarnere and Toye hadn’t come out unscathed, they had caught shrapnel and it had torn through them, but they were alive.  And Bucky knew that’s all that would have mattered to you. 

They found fragments of what they assumed were yours and his dog tags imbedded in a tree, and they were sending them his way, with the rest of your belongings.

A few weeks later the little brown envelope and green duffle bag arrived.  They sat there on a table surrounded by the Howling Commandos, all looking at each other nervously, all hoping to not be the one to have to pick them up.  Peggy looked up from the table at Steve, who looked back at her.  So many emotions ran through those blue eyes, from sadness to anger, finally settling on resignation.   

Steve sighed heavily, as though the weight of the whole world was suddenly on his shoulders, and picked the duffle bag up.  He was about to reach for the little brown envelope when Peggy picked it up. He nodded at her gratefully, and in silence they walked towards Bucky’s room.  If Bucky didn’t need to be somewhere, this is where you would find him, sitting on the side of his bed, looking out the window, staring at nothing.

Bucky had fallen into a depression.  He’d become a shell with no life, just going through the motions.  He still threw himself into each mission, but he was getting reckless, taking risks he wouldn’t have before.  Steve was getting worried, very very worried.  Peggy had told him about the bad feeling you had had about Bucky.   And it seemed to Steve that Bucky was now running head first towards it and didn’t even care, maybe even wanted it.  And that last thought scared him.

He had tried to talk to Bucky about it.  It hadn’t ended well.  Steve would have taken any emotion out of Bucky, even anger, but he had gotten nothing, just a blank empty stare as Bucky had walked away towards his room. Leaving a desperate and angry Steve behind.  Steve was angry.  He was angry at you for leaving, and for taking Bucky away from him.  You were supposed to be different, not like the other dames that had come into Bucky’s life, you weren’t supposed to take Bucky away from him.  You had promised. 

_“You know, Bucky and I, we’re not going anywhere. You can’t get rid of us even if you wanted to, you’re stuck with us.  We’re all going to grow old together, best get used to the idea.”_

You had promised you would never take Bucky away from him, and yet you had. You had.  Steve was so angry at you he wanted to scream at you.  But you weren’t here, you were dead.  And he missed you, god he missed you, and he hated himself for being angry at you.  And he wished you were here, because you always made things better.  Why couldn’t you be here?  Why had you left them?  Why? Why?  Why?

Bucky actually turned around to see who it was when he heard the door to his room open.  He looked Peggy and Steve up and down, saw the duffle bag in Steve’s hand and the envelope in Peggy’s, and turned back around to face the window.  Carefully Steve placed your duffle bag on the bed, as though it would turn to dust with any brisk movement.  Peggy, with tears in her eyes, tried to hand Bucky the small envelope containing the dog tag fragments, but Bucky didn’t reach out for it. And after a few moments she just placed it on the bed beside him.  She squeezed his shoulder gently, pouring as much comfort as she could in the gesture, hoping for some sort of a response.  When she got none, she looked up at Steve, who simply tilted his head towards the door.  There was nothing they could do for Bucky right now.  And without saying a word, hesitantly and reluctantly, they left Bucky alone.

Bucky opened the envelope and found a letter with the metal fragments.  He held the metal pieces in one of his palms and he slowly unfolded the letter.  Cpt Winters had hand written his letter to Bucky, making it more personal than all the other similar letters he’d had to write in the past. Somewhere, buried deep inside Bucky, he was moved by this gesture.  He began reading the letter, Winters had gone over the details of that day, detailed exactly what had happened as told to him from those that were there.  He continued on saying that he and Col Sink were recommending you for the Medal of Honor, and the Canadians were going to give you the Victoria Cross.  Great honours for sure, but it didn’t seem quite enough in Winters opinion, to truly capture the impact you had had on not just him but everyone around you, and how much you would be missed, and how much the world was the poorer for your loss.  

As Bucky finished reading the letter, tears flowed from his eyes.  He crumpled the letter and let it fall to the ground as he brought his hand to his face to wipe the tears away.  Bucky looked at the small pieces of metal in his palm.  Pieces of metal and a full duffle bag, that was all that was left of you.  Bucky clutched the fragments tightly, making them dig into his palm, the pain it caused nothing compared to the pain in his soul.  Bringing his hand to his heart, he let out a painful cry as his soul cried out for you.

~

When Bucky woke up this morning, it was as if a fog had lifted.  Even though the weather was gray, it seemed brighter somehow.  Bucky couldn’t tell what had changed.  You were still gone, but it seemed a little more bearable today for some reason. He’d washed and shaved, combed his hair, and put on some clean clothes.  He even made his bed this morning.  Tucking his dog tags under his shirt, he put his jacket on and headed out for breakfast before the morning briefing. 

The line cook was a little surprised when he looked up to see Bucky standing there, food tray in hand waiting for the him to fill his plate. For the past few weeks, his friends had managed to drag him out of his room and bring him to the mess hall.  But if they wanted him to eat they would have to get his food for him, and even then he would just end up picking at it with his fork and not really eating any of it.

After he’d gotten his food and his cup of coffee, Bucky headed towards his usual table.  Even though he was later than usual, Bucky was still the first one at the table this morning.  In fact he noticed that there weren’t many people in the mess hall despite the time of day.  He vaguely wondered if there was something going on this morning that he didn’t know about, but let the thought go as the door opened and a group of soldiers filed in. It was probably just a lazy morning for everyone.  Sitting down, he picked up his fork and knife, and began digging into his breakfast.

As with every other morning, Dum Dum and a few other Howling Commandos had gone to Bucky’s room to try and get him to come eat, only to find it empty with a made bed.  A little confused and somewhat worried, as they knew Bucky wasn’t with Steve as he had gone for a run alone this morning.  They quickly and quietly began looking for Bucky, hoping to find him quickly, because lets face it, none of them wanted to have to tell Steve that they had lost Bucky somehow.  When they found him in the mess hall and saw him there eating and drinking his coffee contently, they all let out sighs of relief.  Bucky was ok.  One by one they got their food and sat down at the table beside him, giving each other relieved smiles as they began to dig into their breakfast.

When Steve walked into the mess hall he could immediately feel the change in the air, like a black cloud had been lifted.  That’s when he noticed that the people in the mess hall were actually talking and laughing.  He hadn’t realised it until now, but it had been a long time since the mess hall had had any life to it.  Ever since… Steve shook his head, it was still too painful to think about it.  But he was glad to see that life was returning to the base.  As he walked towards the counter to get his breakfast his eyes fell on a familiar blue jacket, he was glad to see that his friends had managed to bring him down for breakfast yet again.  He turned his attention back towards the cook, but then did a double take.  Something was off.  There was something different about Bucky this morning.  Looking back at his best friend, Steve actually took the time to look at Bucky this time.  He was clean shaven, had combed his hair, was actually eating his breakfast, and seemed in good spirits.  Steve smiled and thanked the almighty, as he let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.  He wasn’t sure how, but somehow they had turned a corner, and Steve couldn’t described how relieved he was.

Steve got his food and headed towards the table.  As he came to sit down beside his friend, Steve patted his back in greeting.

“Morning Buck.”

“Morning Steve." 

That small exchange between the two best friends was all it took.  Until then the Commandos had all been eating in silence, not an awkward silence by any means, but a comfortable silence that none of them wanted to break in fear that it was just an illusion.  And just like that they fell back into their usual antics. Gabe said something that made the whole table erupt in laughter, and Bucky chuckled as he took a sip from his coffee.  It was good to smile again.  Steve noticed and smiled brightly at his friend, who simply smiled back. 

Yes it was good to smile again.

After breakfast they headed to the morning briefing.  Col Phillips told them that they had received some intelligence stating that Zola would be travelling by train and that they had a small window of opportunity to capture him.  Bucky flinched at the mention of Zola, but quickly suppressed the bubbling feelings the little despicable man stirred in him, and refocused on the meeting.  He didn’t notice the concerned side looks everyone had given him when Zola had been mentioned.  

 

If Bucky understood the plan correctly their window of opportunity would come when the train would be crossing the mountains.  There were a few kilometers of track that would be accessible from a nearby mountain using a zipline.  So the plan was simple: zipline onto the train, neutralise the handful of HYDRA soldiers suspected to be on board, and get Zola.  Easy peasy right.

As he stood on the edge of the mountain, looking at the train tracks across the gorge and the zipline overhead, Bucky was seriously rethinking the wiseness of the plan.

Steve came to stand beside Bucky.  This wasn’t the craziest plan he’d cooked up, but it had to be in the top five for sure, although he was hiding it well, Steve could tell Bucky was a little nervous about it.  And considering the last few weeks, Steve was glad to see some caution from his friend.

"Remember when I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?”  Bucky asked as he looked across the gorge.

“Yeah and I threw up.”  Steve answered, remembering that day and how sick he had felt.

“This isn’t payback is it?”  Bucky asked, actually a little worried.

“Now why would I do that?”  Steve answered smirking.

Bucky chuckled, yeah this was definitely payback.

~

Everything was going relatively well, until the HYDRA soldier came through the wagon doors and shot at them with his energy weapon, tearing a whole in the side of the wagon and throwing Steve to the opposite wall from the force of the blow.

'No, no, no, no, no’ he couldn’t loose Steve too.  Bucky picked up the shield, and began firing his pistol at the soldier.  The shield, although not heavy, was throwing his aim off, which gave the soldier enough time to spool his energy weapon back up and take a shot at him.  Bucky raised the shield to protect himself, but the impact sent him flying back towards the open whole in the side of the wagon, dropping the shield in the process.

Steve shook his head, trying to refocus.  He saw the blast hit the shield, and Bucky get thrown backwards out of the train. 'NO!’ Steve got up onto his feet, picking up his shield he threw it at the HYDRA soldier, incapacitating him immediately, and ran to the opening in the wagon.  'Please, please, please, please, please.’

When he saw Bucky holding onto a piece of hand railing, legs dangling in the wind as the train kept speeding along, he internally sighed in relief 'Oh thank God’, which was immediately followed by shear fear and panic.

“Bucky!!”  Steve yelled as he grabbed onto a piece of hand railing to try to get to his best friend. “Hang on!”

Steve started to inch his way across towards Bucky, fighting the against the wind that wanted to sweep him away, but quickly ran out of holding points forcing him to stop and hold on.  Bucky would have to pull himself closer if he was going to be able to get to him.  

Fighting the force of the wind that kept trying to pull him back, Bucky managed to bring his legs under him and gain a semblance of a foothold, and began pulling himself along the hand railing towards Steve.  If he could just get a little closer, Steve would be able to grab him and pull him back into the safety of the train.  His arms were starting to burn from the strain of holding on, but he was almost there.

“Grab my hand!”  Steve said with his hand out.

Bucky held out his hand towards Steve. 

Just a few more inches. 

They both heard the sound of metal creaking and breaking.  They both knew what that meant and looked at each other in fear as the had railing detached from the wall and fell, taking Bucky with it.

“NO!”  Steve yelled.

Bucky suddenly felt himself get caught by the wind and pulled away from the train, falling, watching his best friend disappear into the distance. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!”

As Bucky fell he screamed the loss of his friend, of his life.  As the wind swept by, and the ground came closer and closer, he dug his left hand into his jacket and clutched his dog tags.  He closed his eyes, accepting what was coming, and thought of you.  'I’m coming my love’.

When his body hit the rocks on the side of the mountain, Bucky didn’t feel much pain before everything quickly went black.  He suddenly found himself back in his bed with you laying on your side beside him, smiling brightly at him.  Soft rays filled the room, giving you an angelic glow.  Bucky reached out his hand to cup your cheek, he could feel the warmth of your skin, it’s softness.  You were real, you were here.  Bucky sighed in relief as his eyes began to water.

“I missed you so much.”

“It’s ok, I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.”  You said, bringing your hand to his face and gently stroking his cheek.

As Bucky pulled you to him and kissed you, he was enveloped in a bright warm light.

He was safe.  He was home.

~

_Steve held onto the handrail, as the wind kept trying to rip him off the side of the train, as he starred at the empty space where Bucky had just been._

_'No, this isn’t happening, this is a dream, a nightmare, and I’m going to wake up in my bed any moment now.’  he kept trying to tell himself._

_But this was real.  Steve tried and mostly succeeded in tamponing down the growing despair, he still had a mission to finish.  And that is the only thing at that moment that got him off the side of the train and back inside.  That, and the growing need for vengeance that was awoken in him._

Steve sat in the bombed out remnants of what used to be a pub.  He’d lost track of how long he had been there. It was dark now, and had been for some time.  God he wished he could get drunk, numb the pain he was feeling even just a little. He had thought he had lost Bucky when you had died, but somehow he had gotten him back, only to loose him again. He had blamed you the first time. You had promised you would all survive this war, then you had died.  This time he couldn’t blame you, this time it was his fault, he hadn’t gotten to Bucky in time.

_Steve went to Bucky’s room to pack up his stuff, everything was going to be shipped back to the states to his Ma.  He’d already sent the telegram letting her know her son had died.  Steve felt she should hear it from him first, rather than some anonymous military man with a priest.  Dictating the telegram to the clerk had been the hardest thing he had ever had to do.  What do you say to the woman who has been like a second mother to you, that her son, your brother, is dead and that it’s your fault?_

_He picked up the foot locker in the corner of the room and opened it so he could start putting things in it.  When he looked in, the first thing he saw was a stack of letters, unopened letters, neatly tied with a string.  The letters Bucky had sent to you, the ones you had never received. After your death they had been collected by Cpt Winters and sent back to Bucky along with your belongings.  Steve picked up the stack of letters and starred at the handwriting on the front and the name it spelled out.  Sitting down on the side of the bed, for the first time since the train, he let himself cry._

Steve took another sip of his drink, as tears fell from his eyes.  He’d emptied the entire bottle, but it might as well have been water.

You had promised Steve you’d all survive this war.  He had believed you because you were never wrong. 

And now you and Bucky were gone. 

You had been wrong.

You had been so so wrong.

~

There was no question, the choice was clear, he had to put the plane in the water.  Steve was now wishing he had paid more attention when Howard had tried to show him how to fly.  This was going to be anything but a smooth landing, and the odds of him surviving were not in his favour and Steve knew it.  He placed Peggy’s smiling picture on the instrument board in front of him.  He wished he could of had more time.

Steve angled the HYDRA plane down, and gravity helped pull the plane towards the icy landscape below.  It was time to say his goodbyes.

“When it’s all over we should go dancing.”  Steve said over the radio to the woman he loved who was now miles away.

“Alright, a week next Saturday at the Stork Club.”  Peggy answered, holding the tears in, trying to be strong for Steve.

“You got it.”

“Eight o'clock on the dot, don’t you dare be late understood?”

“We’ll have the band play something slow, I’m still not very good.”

“It’s alright, I’ll keep teaching you for as long as it takes.”

As the frozen ground came closer, the radio began breaking up.

“Peggy I love you.”  

“I love you to Steve.  Now remember, eight o'clock, don’t be late.”

Steve barely heard Peggy’s reply amidst the cracking radio, but he heard the important part.  And that brought a sad smile to his face as the radio cut out, and the cockpit became silent.

As the plane crashed into the ice, Steve was thrown from his seat.  When everything finally came to a stop, and he was done being bounced around, Steve knew he was in bad shape, that this was truly the end of the line.  As he felt the cold embrace him and darkness surround him, he suddenly found himself on the empty dance floor of the Stork Club.  Turning around he saw Peggy standing there surrounded by a soft warm glow, smiling as she held out her hand calling him home.  Steve’s last thought as he took Peggy’s hand was that… you had been wrong.

~*~

TBC in Ch. 11


	13. Book 2 - Late '44 & Early '45 Ch. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing:  Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings:  Angst  
> Word count: 3749
> 
> Italic = flashback  
> ‘internal thoughts’
> 
>    
> A/N: This is the last chapter of Book 2. Hope you enjoy it.

**Wakanda 2016**

Outside of his hut, Bucky sat cross-legged on the ground surrounded by the contents of the trunk.  His old army uniform and boots, neatly folded to one side.  The dog tags Tony had made him placed on top of his blue jacket.  The contents of his wallet, the letters and family pictures, lay on the ground in front of him.  In his hand he had fanned out the three pictures of you he had found in his wallet, starring at them as the memories came flooding back.  Bucky brought the pictures to his face, and cried. 

Cried from the pain of loosing you again. 

Cried from the relief HYDRA hadn’t taken his memories of you away from him.

~*~

It was well into the afternoon by the time Steve came back.  Walking through the tall grass that lead to the little hut, he slowed down when he saw Bucky sitting on the ground, back to the wall, the contents of the trunk spread out around him, starring into the distance at nothing in particular, lost in memories.  Steve knew that look, he had seen it before during the war.  An image of Bucky sitting on the side of his bed starring out the window flashed in Steve's head.  He shook the memory away, and tampered down the emotions it had brought up.  Steve had never felt more helpless in his life than during those weeks in early 1945, watching his best friend grieve the love of his life.  It would be different this time he told himself.

Steve was also relieved to see that the memories were still there, and that they had found their way back from where ever Bucky had buried them to protect them from HYDRA.  He had really feared that they had been wiped away forever, like so many others had been.

He knew this was causing his best friend a great amount of pain.  But Steve also knew, that for Bucky, the pain it would cause of knowing he could not remember you, could never remember you, would be worse.  He knew Bucky would rather loose his soulmate all over again, than to have never had known you, than to have never have had those moments, no matter how few or short they were.  He knew he would for Peggy.

Steve sighed heavily, pushing the thoughts of Peggy aside, before he picked his step up again.  'This will make things a little easier' he thought 'I hope...'

Even though he had heard him coming, Bucky didn't acknowledge Steve until he was standing right in front of him, blocking his view, forcing him back to the present.  Bucky blinked a few times before he looked up at Steve.  Steve gave him a warm smile, and just stood there, waiting.  'A little anxiously’, Bucky noted.  He then noticed Steve had some new clothes and soap in his hands, which made him raise an eyebrow in question.  Sure, the robes he was wearing weren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but he didn’t think Steve cared about what he wore.  He'd never said anything  before, never even hinted that they might of made him uncomfortable.  So why now?  Why did he need to change into "western clothes" now?  Were they finally kicking him out?  Was Steve taking him away from here?

Steve saw that Bucky was beginning to spiral.

“Hey, hey, there’s nothing to worry about Buck.”  He said as he bent down in front of him, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing gently, hoping it would be enough to stop Bucky before he went down the rabbit hole.

It seemed to do the trick, mostly.  When Bucky's focus came back on him he handed him the clothes and soap with a mischievous smile.

“Here, you need to clean up, we're going to the palace, there’s someone there you need to meet.” Steve said with a hint of excitement he was trying hard to suppress.

Bucky looked up at his friend even more confused than before, as he took the clothes and soap, clearly not having picked up on the excitement Steve was trying to hide, misreading Steve completely.  Who would want to meet with him?  Was this the part where he would have to repay the Wakandan's back for their generosity?  Was this how they would get to let them experiment on him, as a way to say thank you for all they had done for him?  Bucky had to stop himself from spiraling, and remind himself that Steve would never agree to it, and sure as hell would never go along with it.  And Bucky hadn't interacted much with the King, but he seemed like a good man, and he doubted Princess Shuri would stand for it either.  Bucky took some deep breaths, trying to calm himself.  ‘Steve wouldn’t.  Steve wouldn’t.  Steve wouldn’t.’  He repeated to himself like a mantra.

Bucky felt Steve squeeze his shoulder again, and he looked back up into the familiar blue eyes, eyes that were comforting and safe but that were also worried for him.

"You know there aren't any strings attached Buck.  They helped you, and continue to help you because it's the right thing to do."  Steve reassured him.

Bucky just nodded.  Steve sighed and stood back up, giving Bucky some space as he began to carefully put everything back into the trunk before closing it.  Picking it up he went inside, and placed it on his bed.  He placed his hand gently on the top of the trunk and brushed it lightly, as he held back the tears that were now blurring his vision and threatening to fall.  After a few minutes had passed and Bucky hadn't come back out, Steve began to worry and looked in from the doorway to check on him.   Steve saw Bucky standing in front of the trunk with his hand on it, and realised Bucky was lost in a moment.  Steve turned away and looked out in the distance.  He hated seeing Bucky like this and wished he could make things easier for him.  'Well you could just tell him'  a little voice inside his head told him.  Right, except he couldn't, at least no yet, that was the point.  Steve found that his feet were suddenly very interesting, as he went over the plan for the -enth time in his head.  He didn't like it, but it was the best one they had.  Besides Bucky would figure it out, he always did.  Hopefully before they got to the city.  And everything would be alright.

After a few more minutes Bucky came back out, and without saying a word picked up the clean clothes and soap, and headed to his makeshift shower behind his hut.

Bucky never thought he would prefer to wear the wakandan robes over regular shirt and pants.  But have you tried buttoning your pants with just one hand?  Or your shirt?  Forget trying to lace up shoes.  After quite a struggle and a few brief moments of thinking of asking Steve for help, he was finally dressed.  He looked at the flapping empty left sleeve and sighed.  He thought about using the sling from his robes, but as he picked it up he realised it needed a wash, and placed it back down.  His next idea was to tuck it into his pants, but he didn’t like the feel of it and quickly pulled it out.  He finally settled on rolling it up instead.  It wasn’t the greatest roll job, but it would do.  He then combed his wet hair, and slipped on his sandals.  'Well that's as good as that's going to get I suppose.'  He thought as he looked down at himself before walking back to the front of the hut.

"Well lets get going then."  Bucky said, trying to hide his nervousness.  He really just wanted to get what ever it was over with as quickly as possible.

Steve had to smile to himself as he stopped him, and began unrolling Bucky's left sleeve.  He then rolled it back up neatly and pinned it down.  'It's not a tie, but it'll do'  Steve thought as he finished.  Bucky gave him a tight grateful smile and they headed towards the city.

~*~

They had been walking in silence since leaving Bucky’s hut.  And the closer they got to the city, the more Steve was getting worried about Bucky, and re-thinking the wiseness of the plan.  Although Steve had gotten better at the whole spy, undercover, covert thing, especially since being on the run.  He knew he was still a lousy liar, and had no poker face.  He might now be able to briefly fool a stranger, but Bucky knew him too well.  Ever since they had been kids he had never been able to hide anything from Bucky for very long.  And that wasn’t even taking into account the skill set he’d acquired while being the Winter Soldier.  Bucky should have already figured everything out.  But Steve could tell that he hadn’t, and that he was trying and failing to.  He knew bringing Bucky the trunk would throw him for a loop, and he was now cursing himself for not realising how much the new memories would unbalance him.  Of course they would, how could they not?  Steve really should of known better, but this whole thing had thrown him for a loop too.  It was causing him to rethink alot of things, and think about things he didn't want to.  And it was giving him a migraine.  Yes, Steve was seriously rethinking the point of keeping Bucky in the dark.

Steve was hiding something from him, something big, that much Bucky knew.  But every time he tried to figure out what it was, his insecurities tried to use Steve’s strange behaviour against him, trying to undermine his relationship with Steve, shake his trust in him.  And every time they tried, Bucky would hear your voice _"He's your brother"_ breaking through the darkness like a beacon of light.  Anchoring him in the storm of his insecurities and guilt.  Your beautiful smiling face would then appear in his mind, a flash from a different memory every time, leading him away into another tender moment.  He missed you so much, and by getting lost in a memory Bucky could convince himself it was like having you back.  That he was back then with you, when life was simpler, before everything happened.  Taking him away from trying to figure out what Steve was hiding.  A little voice in him mused you and Steve were somehow in this together, trying to keep him from deciphering Steve’s odd behaviour, and figuring out what he was hiding.  And that thought brought him great comfort.  He trusted you, he trusted Steve.  And had it not been for his persistent demons bringing him back to the question of what was going on, he would of stayed lost in his memories.

~*~

Even though Steve was taking him the "backway" into the city, Bucky recognised rather quickly where they were going, which only drove his anxiety and doubts into overdrive.  They were headed to the medical centre.  More specifically, they were headed to the exact same lab he had been kept in while Princess Shuri worked to remove HYDRA's programming.

Had they realised they had missed something?  Was he not cured?  Was there something else HYDRA had put in his head?  Had they lied to Steve, were they walking into an ambush?  Were they going to strap him down and test on him?

Steve could see Bucky getting more and more on anxious and on edge, and did his best to reassure him.  He was grateful the halls were mostly empty, and anyone they did cross barely gave them a second look.  As they got closer to the lab, Steve suddenly noticed that Bucky had stopped walking and turned around to find him in a full blown panic attack.

"Hey, hey, hey.  Look at me Buck.  You're safe.  This isn't for you.  You're ok, you're safe.  Just breathe.  Just focus on breathing."

Steve did his best to help his friend out of his panic attack, as he tried to ground him.  It took a good 30 minutes for Bucky to calm down, and another 30 to get Bucky to walk up to the lab.  It took Steve promising, several times, that he didn't have to go in, but that he needed to see the person inside.  And once he had done that they could leave if he wanted.

Why Steve just wasn't telling him who it was he needed to see didn't make sense to Bucky.  'Unless...' they were hoping to gage his reaction to seeing this person.  'Oh god!'  It was one of his captors wasn’t it.  No.  It was one of his victims.  Or a relative.  God, he can't do that.  He can't face them.  Oh god, he can't breathe.

"Buck, it's nothing bad, I promise you."  Steve had placed a hand on his shoulder, making him look at him, giving him a reassuring smile.

It was taking everything he had not to tell Bucky, but the decision had been made to not tell him anything yet.  And god damnit they had made him promise.  'Damn moral fiber'  Steve thought.  They needed to know what he remembered and what he didn’t.  And they didn’t want to taint his recollections in anyway.  Or his reactions.  They needed to know what they were working with, what they're starting point was.

Wearily and still panicked, Bucky stepped up to the opaque glass wall, his trust in Steve the only reason his feet were even moving at all.  Bucky closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.  'Steve says it's nothing bad, it'll be ok.  You'll take a quick look, then leave.  Easy peasy.'

Bucky opened his eyes, obviously still on edge, and nodded to Steve.  Steve then nodded in turn at someone out of sight and the opaque glass became clear, letting them see into the room.

Bucky's eyes went wide in shock.  It wasn’t possible.  How was that possible?  He turned to Steve, so many questions crossing his mind.  He took a step closer to the glass and put his hand on it.  How could that be?  You had died, yet there you were, laying in a hospital bed, with various screens surrounding you as medical personnel moved around the room.  You looked so peaceful lying there, eyes closed, dressed in the white medical robe the Wakandans had provided you.  Bucky took a closer look at the various screens in the room.  One displayed your vital signs, which all appeared to be within normal limits.  There was another that seemed to be monitoring your brain activity, and another displaying your skeleton and other body functions, none of which Bucky understood.  The medical staff were working around you calmly, and didn't seem to be treating you like an experiment, and seemed to genuinely care for your well being, and that brought him some comfort.  But none of what he was seeing was explaining how it was possible that you were lying there, alive.

"How?"  Bucky was barely able to say.

Before Steve could give him any sort of answer, someone else behind them answered for him.

"That's what we need to talk to you about."

Bucky looked behind him to find Princess Shuri and King T'Challa standing there.  Bucky frowned confused as he looked back at you lying there.  There were a lot of things he wasn't sure about, thanks to HYDRA, but there were some things he definitely knew.

He looked down at his hand.

_He was standing in front of a grimy sink and mirror, his tactical suit covered in blood, the leather slowly absorbing it as it dried, into every pore, every seem, every buckle.  It was everywhere.  The smell of coper filled his nostrils.  He looked down and saw his blood covered hands, there was so much blood.  It was dry now, but he could still feel the warmth it had had not too long ago on his fingers.  Could still feel its wetness and stickiness as he rubbed his fingers together.  The blood had seeped into the grooves and joints of his metal hand and up his arm, had gotten under the plates.  He'd never be able to get all of it out now._

_The room was small, poorly lit, dingy, damp.  It smelled of blood, mold, damp dust.  There was blood on the walls, ceiling, floor.  Some of it very old, some of it more recent.  You were shackled by your hands to the ceiling, naked from the waist up, barely holding yourself up on your feet.  Your back facing him.  Cuts of various lengths and depths, and in various stages of healing littered your back and arms.  They handed him a knife. <Finish your handiwork Soldier.>  They ordered him to do._

_Your naked body laid on the cold dirty floor, your back and arms littered in bleeding cuts, your face and front hidden from view.  He stood above you, a growing pool of blood spread from beneath you.  You were so pale.  Your chest barely rising and falling, as your breaths were getting shallower and shallower.  The blood reached his boots and began to flow around them.  He reached down to you._

He looked back up into the room.

"But I killed you."  He whispered to himself.

"No you didn't."  Steve said as he grabbed Bucky's shoulder, turning him around.  "No you didn't."  He repeated more firmly.

Bucky shrugged Steve's hand off of him “I did, Steve!  I did!”  Bucky said, pain, despair, guilt flashing in his eyes.  He turned back to the glass.  “They made me….I killed her… I remember killing her…”. Bucky barely got out, as tears began filling his eyes and he looked down at his trembling hand again.  Closing it in a fist in an attempt to stop the tremor.

“Buck….”  Steve gently placed his hand on his shoulder once more, and turned him around slowly.  Making sure Bucky was looking at him.  “What you’re remembering… what you think you’re remembering… it isn’t the whole story.  I promise you Buck, you didn't hurt her, and you certainly didn’t kill her.”  Steve said with all the conviction he had.

Bucky didn’t believe Steve at all.  He wasn’t sure of a lot of things, but he had killed you, that he knew.

No matter how many times they would put him in the chair, Bucky always remembered all his kills as the Winter Soldier.  And out of all of them, yours had always haunted him the most.  In between the flashes of blood and pale skin, there would be flashes of a warm smile and soft eyes, feelings of warmth and safety.  At the time he hadn’t remembered who you were, who you were to him.  But he had figured you had probably been important to him somehow, which was why you had to die.  Which was why he had to kill you.  Which was why HYDRA had turned you into a test.  A test he had passed.

Or had he?  No, he had.  The feel of your blood on his hand said he had.  The sight of a pool of blood underneath your pale body said he had.  The coppery smell of blood in his nostrils said he had.

Yet things weren't adding up.

Up until now, Bucky hadn’t wondered how you had found yourself in the HYDRA facility, he knew how.  But now that he remembered you from the war, things were less clear.  And Bucky wondered how HYDRA had gotten to you on the battlefield.  Then again it wouldn’t of been hard, the frontlines were chaotic places, making you an easy target.  And after he fell from the train, they had both of you.  'But why the charade?'  He thought, 'It doesn't make sense'.  Bucky cursed the gaps in his memories, there was till so much he couldn’t fill.

In the end, Bucky decided it didn’t really matter how HYDRA had gotten to you, it only mattered that they had.  And they had made him kill you.

Which brought him back to… how were you alive?

He looked at you lying there as flashes of new memories from his time as the Winter Soldier began popping into his head.  Fragmented memories that made no sense, that had no context.  

_Lying in a bed, in a dingy room, your frame tucked into his side, him holding you protectively._

_You on your knees, arms tied behind your back, looking up at him, telling him "it's ok" as he brings the barrel of the gun to your forehead, his finger moving to the trigger.  
_

_You're lying in a hospital bed, battered and bruised, the numbers on the monitor not encouraging.  "I have a new mission for you Soldier" he hears Peirce say._

_You're being dragged out of your cell, kicking and screaming, he just watches as you disappear around the corner._

_You're lying on a table, so pale, the monitor is beeping frantically.  He's lying on a table next to you, a small tube from his arm to yours._

_He walks into a room, your sitting on the bed back to him, they lock the door behind him._

_You're in a hallway, the exit is so close, you're telling him to run.  "No! Not without you."_

_Looking through his sniper scope and seeing you sitting on a large rock, taking aim, finger squeezing the trigger without hesitation._

As Bucky tried to sort through them and put them in order, the list of inconsistencies began to grow.  And with that a faint hope began to spring inside him, that maybe Steve was right.  Maybe what he remembered was wrong.

"Come on pal, there's a lot we need to talk about."  Steve said as he tried to gently guide Bucky forward.

There was only one way to find out.

Bucky reluctantly let himself be guided away from the window, away from you, to follow the King and Princess into a nearby room.  Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky's shoulder as they walked away from the glass.  'Now the fun part'  Steve thought sarcastically.  As they reached the doorway, Steve paused letting Bucky go in first, and looked one last time at the room you were in.  Turns out you had been right.

You had all survived the war after all.

~*~

TBC in Book 3

~*~


	14. Book 3 - Project Hercules Ch.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: Some Angst, not much.  
> Word count: 1194
> 
> Italic = flashback  
> ‘internal thoughts’

~*~

**_2016 Tony’s Lab_ **

_Tony reached across the floor and dragged yet another box closer to him.  There were so many boxes. He’d been holed up in his lab for hours, maybe even days now he couldn't be sure, going through the boxes he’d found in Siberia._

_The label on the front of the box read “Project Hercules”.  “Well that sounds ominous” Tony mumbled. Thoughts of medical experiments, deformed bodies in jars, and Frankenstein’s monster jumped into his mind._

_Tony placed his hand on the lid and closed his eyes, taking some deep breaths, trying to prepare himself.  Each time he opened one of these boxes it revealed a new level of inhumanity and horror he didn't know could exist._

_Tony wondered if this box would reveal more about what happened to Barnes or if this was about one of the now many other poor souls who had fallen victim to HYDRA.  A list that was getting very long._

_Tony had initially been surprised to see that most of the files were actually in English.  He really shouldn’t have been though, English had been the international language for a very long time now, and with the amount of pots HYDRA had their hands in, it only made sense.  Even the Winter Soldier files had transitioned into English over time, even though he was “technically” as a Soviet asset. Tony understood this meant that HYDRA had been retaking control of all its assets, and taking over others, consolidating them under their own direct control, as they began their plans to crawl out of the shadows and take over the world._

_Tony opened his eyes and lifted the lid, reaching in he grabbed the first file folder._

_“Subject #142”._

_As he flipped it open, the first page had subject 142’s background information, including a black and white photo.  Tony’s brow furrowed._

_“No… that can’t be…”_

_Tony scrambled to his feet and began searching for a particular box.  Finding it, he dug through it and pulled out another photo._

_“FRIDAY?”_

_“Already on it Boss.”_

~

**Abandoned warehouse, Unnamed Country, 2016**

Steve closed the small trunk with a nostalgic smile on his lips.

“Thank you Tony.”  He said, truly grateful, as he lightly tapped the top of the trunk.

“There’s something else.”  Tony stated, pulling out a file folder seemingly out of nowhere.

Steve raised an eyebrow questioningly as he took the handed folder.  He recognised the folder type immediately. 'HYDRA' Steve felt the familiar feeling of dread rise in his gut.

“What’s this?”  Steve asked as he read the letters on the file.  'What the hell was Project Hercules?'

“How about you tell me.”  Tony asked lifting his hands up as he sat back down onto the old crates.

Tony watched Steve’s expression closely as he opened the file.  The shock and confusion was unmistakable. ‘Something’s never change I guess’, Tony mused.  Being on the run had not given Steve Rogers a poker face.

Steve looked at the picture and the name in the file.  What was this? What was he looking at? Was this real?  Could it be real? If it's real then..... A raging sea of emotions and questions rose in him, threatening to drown him.  Steve tried desperately to get a hold of his emotions and keep his head above the water. To keep it together. He needed to keep it together.

Steve finally settled on an mix of guilt, fear, dread, and the tiniest sliver of hope.

Hope that it could be true.  Fear that it could be true. Dread that it was true.  And the strongest of them all, guilt. Guilt at what it all meant if it was true.

Steve had been through a lot since coming of the ice.  But he'd only ever felt like this once before, _"Who the hell is Bucky?"_  Steve tried and failed to suppress the memory as it popped into his mind, overwhelming him.  And the tenuous grasps he had shattered. Dragging him under, as he reached desperately for something to hold onto.

“That's not...How...How is that possible?”  Steve barely managed to get out as he looked up from the file at Tony, desperate for answers, anything.

“I...I don’t know.”  Tony was taken aback by the intensity of Steve's reaction, and had he not already been sitting down he would have taken a step back at what he saw.

Tony looked to the side, trying to avoid Steve's eyes.  He really should of just walked away after handing Steve the file, let him sort it out on his own.  Especially after what Steve had done, would of served him right. But his curiosity, and maybe a little bit of sadistic pleasure at seeing Steve squirm, had made him sit down.  Tony had expected Steve to be shocked, but not like this, he hadn't anticipated this.

The uncertainty, the vulnerability.  Tony could of sworn he was looking at a scared little skinny kid from Brooklyn, so small and fragile, not at Captain America, the legend that annoyingly lived up to the myth.  He’d never seen Steve like this, not even when Peggy died. Steve was always so held together, always seemed to know what to do next, was always so captain-y. Yes Steve Rogers could be a self assured righteous ass at times, and he won't deny that there had been times he had wanted to bring Steve down a peg or two, or had even outright hated the man and had wanted to punch him in his perfect white teeth.  But he hadn't wanted this, not deep down. He could see Steve was trying desperately not to drown, as a tidal wave of memories and regrets came flooding in.

And it bothered Tony, it bothered him a lot.  The way Steve had looked at him for answers, it was going to haunt his dreams he just knew it.  Tony had miscalculated.

‘Damnit.’

What Tony said next committed him to seeing this thing through till the end.  He really should of just walked away. But let’s face it, he was never really going to let it go to begin with.

“There’s a 97% chance it’s legit.  The HYDRA base is still standing, FRIDAY found it.  It’s emanating faint power readings, meaning there might still be someone there worth talking to."  Tony said as he looked back at Steve, hoping it would be enough to get the man back on track.

It wasn't much to go on, but it was enough for Steve to stop his downward spiral, ground himself, and get a handle on his emotions.  Tony saw the uncertainty and vulnerability vanish as Steve Rogers the Captain came back. He would never admit it to anyone, but he was glad.  He didn’t like the idea of an uncertain Steve Rogers. If he couldn’t look to Steve, it meant it would all fall on him otherwise. And he wasn’t sure his shoulders were broad enough or strong enough to hold the world up.  The world needed the Captain, and he needed the Captain. But mostly he needed his friend.

"You up for a road trip?"  Tony said as he stood up.

~*~

TBC in Ch 2


	15. Book 3 - Project Hercules Ch.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: Some Angst, some mentions of blood, none really.  
> Word count: 6218
> 
> Italic = flashback  
> ‘internal thoughts’

~*~

Leaving the warehouse, Tony had a hard time keeping up with Steve’s long purposeful strides back to the quinjet, almost having to jog behind him just to keep up.  ‘Damn super soldier’. He even thought about flying beside Steve to keep up, but decided it wasn't worth it. Steve was in full Captain mode, and it was best to just let the man plow forward and keep up the rear.  He'd seen Steve have single minded focus before, but somehow this was different. Tony's file had stirred things up, brought things to the surface that Steve hadn't thought about in a long time. And Tony realised something then, that despite all this time, despite everything, Steve had never truly left the battlefields of WWII behind.

Tony was worried for Steve.

~

Sam, Nat, and Wanda hadn't been surprised when Steve had walked out of the warehouse with Tony.  By signing the Accords, Tony had split the team. But what Steve had done to Tony, had split the family.  They knew Steve regretted deeply what he had done to Tony, and by extension everyone else, by not facing Barnes’ past.  That he had been hoping for Tony’s call, hoping for an opportunity to gain Tony’s trust back. An opportunity to heal the family.  Because they knew that as a family, there was nothing they couldn’t do. And as a family, they could find a work-around the Accords, and all go home.  Something they also believed Tony wanted. But that was not to say that they weren’t wary of Tony’s motives. After all, at times, Tony’s ego could be his own worst enemy.

But there was something in the way Steve was walking, the way he was carrying the trunk, and in the way Tony was barely keeping up, that unsettled them.  Something had happened in that warehouse. Something had changed. And they weren't exactly sure if this was good or bad.

Sam, Nat, and Wanda looked at each other warily, as Steve quickly walked pass them and up the ramp of the quinjet with Tony barely in tow, without acknowledging any of them.  Something wasn't right, and things were leaning towards the "bad" end of things. As they quickly followed in they found Steve placing the trunk down very gently, almost reverently, on a bench and securing it, while Tony waited awkwardly, trying to give them reassuring smiles as they stepped forward cautiously.  Sam was about to say something, when Steve stood up abruptly and told them they had a HYDRA base to look at and that Tony was coming along, leaving no room for discussion. Steve walked towards the controls and sat down to begin the pre-flight sequence as Tony came up hesitantly behind him to give him the coordinates of the base.  It came up as middle of nowhere northern Canada. 'Huh'. Steve really shouldn't of been surprised. Just like Russia, Canada had a lot of empty land with places to hide and disappear.

Nat, Wanda, and Sam had been silently watching the interaction between the two, wondering what the hell was really going on.  Steve was shaken behind his Captain mask, and Tony was uncharacteristically tip-toeing around him. What had happened in that warehouse?  What was this about a new HYDRA base? And what was in that trunk that Steve treated with such reverence?

“Someone want to explain what’s really going on?”  Sam finally said, his question aimed more at Steve rather than Tony.

Tony looked to Steve to see if he’d answer, but Steve simply ignored them and continued getting the quinjet into the air.  'Really Rogers?' Tony thought. When Steve showed no signs of acknowledging any of them, Tony turned back around to face the others.  It really wasn't his place, but they deserved to know. Tony was about to open his mouth, when Steve cut in.

“Tony found a HYDRA base still active, we’re going to check it out.”

“Yes, you already told us that.”  Wanda retorted, not at all satisfied.

But Steve didn’t elaborate and went back to what he was doing.  He wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. He was going to tell them, he just needed a little more time to process it first.  Something Nat and Sam seem to understand by the fact they weren’t pushing the issue, yet. Wanda just raised her hands in frustration as she looked to Nat and Sam for support, who shared a knowing but worried look.  Wanda watched the exchange, expecting to be filled in, instead Nat told her to give Steve a little space, and Sam added that he'd fill them in when he was ready. Wanda threw her arms up and turned around mumbling something in sokovian that didn’t sound very nice, making Nat smirk understandably.  They couldn't blame her, they'd be frustrated with Steve too, if they hadn't seen him like this once before. Nat and Sam had come to the same conclusion: Tony had dug up something, or someone, important from Steve's past. That was the only explanation for his current behaviour. 

Tony looked at them closely, and realised that Sam and Nat had probably figured most of it out.  He understood Wanda's frustration, he felt she should of been looped in, but decided he really didn't want to cross Nat on this, or on anything really.  And if she was willing to give Steve some time, then so be it.

“Umm, alright then.  I’m going to go over there.”  Tony pointed and tried to move towards the back.  Only to be stopped by Natasha.

“What did you do Tony?”  She asked looking at him with that look that told him she was seeing right through him.  ‘Damn spy’ he thought. 

“Nothing.  Just looking for answers.”  He answered with his hands up in surrender, and quickly glanced at Steve's back.

Natasha noticed the flash of worry in Tony's glance, and it only made her more worried for Steve.

“Ross know you’re here?”  Sam asked as he came up beside Nat, folding his arms.

“No, and it’d be best if he didn’t.”  Tony said as he began to turn around and look for something to tinker with.  He was feeling boxed in and it made him uncomfortable.

Tony took in the state of the quinjet, and was impressed to find that it was still in pretty good shape.  Seems like Grandpa and the Scooby gang had managed to take good care of it after all.

“Protecting your own ass then?”  Wanda said as she came up behind him, startling him slightly.

Wanda could be sneaky when she wanted to be. 

“Yes, but no."  Tony answered, squeezing past them towards the center console-table.  "If it’s what I think it is... Ross can't ever get his hands on it.”

“Which would be what exactly?”  Wanda asked, clearly frustrated by the lack of information being provided by all of them.

Tony looked back at Steve who was side glancing back at him as if waiting to see what he would do.  Steve's lost eyes from the warehouse popped into his mind, and he decided that Nat was right, he would give Steve a little bit more time. 

“That’s for Rogers to answer.”

Tony then smiled and turned around to the console-table to pull up as much current information on the base FRIDAY could find.  And of course have FRIDAY run diagnostics and repairs on the quinjet in the background.

Steve refocused his attention back to the horizon and the controls in front of him.  He was grateful Tony didn't say anything, but he wasn’t an idiot, he knew Tony was testing him.  And he knew damn well the rift between them was nowhere near repaired. Steve was well aware that Tony could of just left him hanging there in the warehouse with the file and no leads.  And he would have deserved it too. But he was hopeful this was a good first step.

Steve also knew that Sam and Nat had probably figured everything out already, or at least a big part of it.  And he understood Wanda's frustration at being left out of the loop. 

Whether or not Steve thought the risk of letting Tony on board was justified, he knew they were irritated with him.  Bringing Tony onboard, as far as they were concerned, was possibly the stupidest thing he had done. Not because he was following intel provided by Tony, but for physically letting the man on the quinjet.  He knew that the moment Tony had stepped foot onboard he had been giving the quinjet a once over, to see how badly they had neglected his bird. They had tried to keep it in good working order, but none of them were engineers.  The others knew this too, and they watched Tony very closely, trying to make sure that he didn't leave a tracking thingamabob behind. Not that it mattered, if Tony wanted to leave a thingamabob behind, he would find a way, and they would never find it. Although they were pretty sure he would never turn them in to Ross, they would have to leave the quinjet behind if they didn't want to be spied on day in and day out. Loosing their current home in the process. But Steve didn't see it that way. Despite all evidence pointing against it, Steve's faith was in people, and for the most part they hadn't let him down.  And Tony was no exception. Tony was a good man, and despite everything, he knew deep down Tony wouldn't let him down.

~

To say that the flight was extremely awkward was the understatement of the century.  Steve was silently piloting the jet, and Tony was tinkering away under the watchful eyes of Nat, Sam, and Wanda.  The air was filled with a mix of wariness and nostalgia, paranoia and cautious optimism, and a longing for what once was. 

As Nat watched Tony tinker away, she couldn’t help but be reminded of those first few days after Fury had initiated the Avengers Initiative and brought them all together.  When they were all wary of one another, and no one trusted each other. It had taken spilled blood for them to finally come together as a unit, and eventually a family, which had grown over the years.  Nat had come from nothing, and now her family was split in two. Watching the others, and the feeling the awkwardness in the air, she hoped that things weren't so broken they couldn't be fixed. That they could make their way back to each other, to trusting each other again, to being a family again.  She really hoped this could be a good first step. And she really hoped it wouldn't take blood this time for it to happen.

~

About halfway through the flight, Steve placed the quinjet on autopilot and came back towards the centre table where everyone had slowly gravitated to in order to keep an eye on Tony, and to go over the schematics, scans, and satellite images he had pulled up.

As he joined them, they all turned towards him.

“Alright, this is what I know.”  Steve started, as he laid the file folder Tony had given him on the table.

Although it was in reach of all of them, none of them reached for it to open it.  There was just something in the way Steve had laid the file down that told them it was best to leave it alone for now.

They quietly listened as he laid out everything he knew about the HYDRA base they were heading for, why they were going, and what they hoped to find.  Steve came up with a plan, Tony gave his two cents, and in the end they had a plan they all could agree on. Steve and Tony would check out the inside of the base, while the others would form a perimeter around the building, while still being on hand in case they were needed inside.  The "lights" were still on in the base, which meant someone still called the base home, and they didn't want to be taken by surprise. Sam, Nat, and Wanda didn't argue too much about being put on perimeter duty, they figured that if Steve and Tony could patch things up during this “mission”, they would hopefully be one step closer to finally going home. 

~

As they approached the coordinates, the base finally came into view.  It was at the center of an empty plateau, bordered by a cliff on one side and a thick wintergreen forest on the other, and had a clear line of sight in all directions.  There was no way to sneak up on the base without being noticed. Steve scanned the base and surrounding area. The scans showed no traces of recent activity outside, and no evidence of active patrols.  The base itself was hard to scan however, and therefore they couldn't tell how many people were inside. But Tony was still able to pick up the faint energy signature, which he determined was coming from the center of the building.

Steve made the decision to land close to the building and keep the quinjet in stealth mode.  If anyone was home they would lose the element of surprise the moment the first boot hit the ground, so why make the walk to the front door any longer than it needed to be.  And this way, they had somewhere to fall back to relatively quickly if they needed.

Steve pulled open the door to the facility while Tony scanned for life forms and other energy levels.  Shield up, Steve took the lead as Tony guided them through the facility. They hadn’t gotten very far when they came upon the first dead bodies.

Steve bent down beside the first body they encountered as Tony scanned it.  The body wasn’t quite a skeleton yet, and had that leathery shrunken skin and hair look.  The holes in the uniform surrounded by a brown stain made it obvious that this soldier had been shot, several times.  Steve picked up the soldier’s lapel and saw the familiar octopus pin. 

“Well we’re definitely in the right place.”  He said as he looked out at the other bodies in the hall, spotting the same pin on their uniforms.

“According to scans he’s been dead about 2, maybe 3 years.”

'2 to 3 years... That would put whatever happened here either shortly before or after HYDRA's and SHIELD's fall'.  Steve thought as he looked at the hallway they found themselves in, and saw the scattered gunshot marks in the walls further down the hall.

“Looks like they got into a firefight with someone.”  He said as he stood up.

“And lost.  The energy signature is coming from this way.”  Tony said as he pointed down the corridor.

As they continued deeper into the facility they encountered more dead soldiers.  Some had been shot execution style, while others had been shot during a firefight.  What they didn’t find, were any clues as to who had done the killing or why, or who was keeping the lights on.  Were they one and the same, or not? A question that was making both Steve and Tony very uneasy. It became even more disconcerting when they suddenly started coming across bodies dressed in white lab coats.  All had the same cause of death, a gunshot wound to the head. They had been executed. 

FRIDAY had been keeping a tally of the bodies they had encountered and matching them to the known base staff registry from the HYDRA files.  It was looking more and more likely that someone had killed the whole staff, and less and less likely that many, if any, had escaped. The killings seemed very systematic and organised.  Had HYDRA cleaned house as the ship sank 2 years ago? Or had someone done it for them? Were they too late? Was it still here?

“Your files say anything else about what kind of facility this was Tony?”

“Science division.”

Steve crooked an eyebrow as he tried not to roll his eyes.  He already knew that.

“Dedicated solely to Project Hercules.”  Tony added.

'So 100% dedicated to human experiments'.  That always made Steve’s blood boil. He shouldn’t have been surprised.  He had come across this kind of HYDRA facility before. In fact it was in a similar facility that they had first come across Wanda and Pietro.  But there was something more sadistic about this one. Blood had been shed here, a lot of blood. You could feel it in the air, and no, it wasn’t from the dead bodies that littered the hallways.  Somehow that was probably the most humane thing that had ever happened here. 

There had been a lot of suffering here.  If only the walls could talk...

As they got closer to the energy source, the bodies stopped littering the hallway.  However there were old blood stains on the floor, showing that bodies had been dragged away.  By who, they still had no idea. Nor did they know if they were still here. Tony stated that the energy reading was getting stronger, which meant they were definitely getting close.  They finally reached a large blast door and Tony said that the energy source was coming from behind it. Steve was about to open the door, when Tony stopped him.

“Picking up two life signatures.  One moving, one static. There's something weird about their heat signatures...”

Steve looked at Tony to continue, but Tony didn't, he was busy looking at the readings he was getting.

"Tony?"

"Sorry, I just had to make sure."

"Make sure of what?"

"One's in a cryopod, that's the energy signature I've been picking up."

'Of course it is.'  Steve thought. And what in god's name was in this one?  Super Soldier? Enhanced? Frankenstein's Monster?

“What's supposed to be behind this door?”  Steve asked.

Tony had FRIDAY pull up the building schematics.  Behind this blast door was a very large room, with another entrance on the opposite side.  Nothing specific as to its purpose though. The schematics however did show the ventilation shafts, but nothing that was big enough for either men to go through.  Which left Steve with few options, burst in and hope for the best, or send Nat in the ventilation to drop in without backup.

“And you’re sure there’s only one mobile target?” Steve asked.

Tony gave him the all too familiar ‘are you kidding me Rogers?’ look.

"Right."  Steve said, running every possible scenario he could think of in his head.

“You open the door, I’ll stun.”

“How do we know the mobile target isn't an enhanced Tony?  No, we need backup and we need eyes in there before we go in, at least get the lay of the room.” 

Steve raised his hand to his ear.

“Sam we need Redwing.  Nat and Wanda, change of plans, we need you in here to."

Steve knew that the fact that his scans weren't giving him the layouts of rooms they usually did was irking Tony.  Tony had said something about the base being built on a fluke of nature. For some reason the rocks in this exact spot interfered with traditional scans.  Tony had also said something about HYDRA not figuring out why or how to replicate it, or how to work around it. Steve didn't want to think of a world where HYDRA had been able to figure it all out.  But he had no doubt that given enough time Tony would. Time he wasn't sure they had right now though. Given the innate shielding of the place, it made the base the perfect place to hide HYDRA's most "important" projects.  And considering it was dedicated solely to one project, made Steve very uneasy. He was not going to like what they found, he could just feel it.

It didn’t take long for the others to join them, and for Steve to catch them up.  And none of it quelled the uneasiness they were all feeling one bit. It didn't go unnoticed by any of them that no one had tried to stop them, or even slow them down, from reaching this far into the base when there was obviously someone home.  And they had all seen the bodies lying around the base, clearly there was something here worth killing for. And some of the bodies had been removed, so why not all of them? Were they left as a warning? Nothing was making sense. Whoever was in that room was definitely not following the HYDRA playbook, or any other obvious playbooks. 

"Anyone else feel like there's something not normal going on here?"  Nat asked.

"Welcome to the freakin Twilight Zone."  Sam said as he got Redwing ready and sent it into the vents.

While Sam navigated the vents, Nat and Wanda made their way around the base to the other door.  The plan was simple, they would barge in at the same time once they had eyes on the inside of the room.

By the time Nat and Wanda were in position, Sam had finally maneuvered Redwing to the vent that lead into the room.  Sam had cursed the architect of the building a lot as he did so. Who ever had designed the ventilation system either created the maze of vents and shafts on purpose or out of sheer incompetence.

Sam deployed Redwing’s camera in between the vent blades and began sending back pictures and scans of the room.  It was a large room, at one end there was a very familiar looking chair, at the other was two cryopods, one of which had the now familiar active yellow glow to it.  In front of the pod stood a middle aged man, disheveled, in what looked like a ragged uniform very similar to the ones the dead soldiers were wearing. Redwing scanned the man and found him strangely only carrying a large knife.  Near the cryopod there appeared to be a makeshift bed, as well as a makeshift clothesline with some clothes hanging on it. On a nearby table laid a few machine guns and pistols, as well as some kitchen implements, and some food. It was obvious that this man had been camping out in this room. 

“Well this is new”. Nat said over the coms, as her and Wanda looked at the images as they came in.

They all had to agree, in all their various experiences with HYDRA, it wasn’t their style to camp out in a rundown facility, watching over a cryopod.  Their M.O. was to just kill the experiment and move on. Or take it with them.

“That pods failing.”  Tony stated, after having taken a good look at it.  “Looks like someone’s tried to cannibalise wires from around the base to plug it into the pod to keep it going.  Based on the power readings, I estimate it will fail completely in two months tops.” Tony added.

After taking all the information Redwing had provided them, Steve focused everyone back on the task at hand.  Nothing they had seen warranted changing the plan, and so it was time to get things going.

“Alright, on 3.”  Steve said.

As he was about to brace himself to push open the door, when he realised that it wasn’t even locked.  He looked at Sam and Tony in confusion.

“Nat is your door locked?”  Steve asked over the coms.

After a few seconds, Nat came back on the comms.

“No, it’s not. I don't like this Steve.”

“Anyone else starting to feel like this is a trap?”  Sam said, pointedly looking at Tony.

"You know as much as I do Wilson."  Tony said defensively.

"Somehow I highly doubt that."

"Alright that's enough, this isn't helping." Steve cut in, effectively ending the conversation.

Trap or no trap, Steve needed to know who was in that pod, which meant they needed to get into that room and secure it.  Yes there was only one man in that room, but he could be an enhanced, it would explain why he was so lightly armed and why he had let them reach this far.  Steve needed everyone to focus.

“Alright.  On 3.” Steve said again, as he got ready to open the door.  “1…2…3.”

The doors slid open easily, and they entered the room and converged towards the disheveled soldier.  Before any of them could tell him to surrender, he slowly lifted his arms and turned around.

“It’s about time Captain.  We’ve been waiting for you for a long time.”

Steve wasn’t sure why he had expected the man to have a thick Russian accent, but instead was pleasantly surprised to find him to have a very good American one.

“Bolshov?”  Nat said as she took a step closer, recognising the man despite his current appearance.

“Ah, Natalia.  It is good to see you again.”  The soldier answered, seemingly genuinely happy to see Natasha.

“You know this man?”  Steve asked as he looked at Nat.

“He was a guard in the Red Room.”  Nat answered, obviously confused, trying to understand what was going on.

“That was a lifetime ago." Bolshov said as he waved absentmindedly into the air.

Was that... regret Nat saw on his face?

"I am glad you managed to get out Natalia.  I always knew you would. Always knew you were different.”  Bolshov said as he took a step closer, as he reminisced about those days.    


Back then he had watched her closely because he knew she would inevitably betray the Room, had seen her as a dangerous liability.  When she had inevitably done so, by then he had started to wonder what was happening to the HYDRA he served, the seeds of doubt had been planted.  He was glad that she had had the courage to get out, knowing he could never. He was a company man, even though he didn't like how the company was being run anymore.  This new generation would run, had run, HYDRA into the ground.

“Bolshov, what did you do?”  Nat asked, his statement and actions making no sense to her.    


In the Red Room she had been the favorite of her mentors and teachers.  Had been the perfect pupil, the best. But not in his eyes. Bolshov had always been hardest on her, had always watched her more closely than the others, had always been suspicious.  Had always hated her. Like he had known something she didn't. 

“What I had to… What I should of done earlier.”  Bolshov turned to look at the pod “I failed you, and I’m sorry.  I didn’t see until it was too late. But this I could do. Keep you safe until he came back.  I guess Captain America is going to have to be good enough.”

“Who’s in the pod Bolshov?”  Nat tried again. ‘He’s lost his mind’.

Bolshov ignored her and looked directly at Steve.

“She’s yours to protect now Captain, until he comes for her.”

“Until who comes Bolshov?  Who's in the pod?” Steve asked.

Bolshov simply smiled at Steve.  Steve recognised the movement of his jaw for what it was and lunged forward.  But he was too late, as foam started to fill Bolshov's mouth as he crumpled to the ground.  Steve grabbed him by his collar.

“Until who comes!?!?”

“Ja…me…s…”  Bolshov said with his dying breath and a faint smile on his face.    


The weight of everything he had done, hadn't done, had worn him down.  He had seen his watch as a form of penance and now it was finally over.  He'd transferred care of his ward to the best person he could hope for, and now he could rest.      


"Who's James?"  Wanda asked looking at the others.

Sam looked at her with the same unknowing look as he shook his head, before they both turned to Nat.

"Don't look at me, I don't know."  She replied as she holstered her gun.

Steve let go of the collar and Bolshov's dead body dropped to the floor in a quiet thud.  He stood up quickly and wiped some frost off the window. Thanks to his super-soldier eyesight, he could just make out the outline of a face in the cryo mist.  Steve had to stop himself from being swallowed up by his guilt. This was Bucky all over again.

~

_ "You didn't know."  Bucky said.  _

_ "Well, I should of."  Steve replied. 'I'm Captain America'  was the part he didn't say out loud. _

_ Bucky just rolled his eyes, Steve could be really dense sometimes.    
_

_ "I fell off a speeding train into a deep ravine in the Alps.  People tend to die when that happens."  _

_ "But you didn't, and..." _

_ "Steve.  It wasn't your fault, none of it was your fault." _

_ Despite Bucky's reassurances, Steve still felt that he should of known.  Especially in this age of technology. He should of saved him from HYDRA sooner.  He was Captain America, he should of known. He should of done something. _

_ "You did do something.  I'm here aren't I?" Bucky added, cutting into Steve's inner dialogue.  Steve had always had a saviour complex, even when he was just a scrawny little thing.  Becoming Captain America had just made it worse in Bucky's eyes. The guy really needed to cut himself some slack. _

_ "And so should you."  Steve said, cutting into Bucky's inner dialogue. _

_ They both looked at each other and chuckled.  They were quite the pair weren't they. They turned their attention back to the field in front of them, where Bucky's goats chewed grass contently, and sat, backs against the little hut, in comfortable silence. _

~

"What happened to you?"  He whispered to himself. "Tony can you get this thing open?"  He asked turning to face Tony who had come up behind him to get a better look at the pod.

"I can, but I don't think we should."  Tony answered as he kept scanning the pod.

"And why not?"

"Well this thing's been basically jerry-rigged to try and last as long as it could, who's to say it's been getting constant power.  Who knows what state she's in. And who's to say what state she was in when they put her in it. I don't know about you Rogers, but this place doesn't look up to handling a medical emergency."

"Can't you scan her and find out?"  Sam asked.

Tony rolled his eyes.  "I have been, and all I'm getting back is basic vital signs, that yes right now are stable, but who knows what's going to happen when we thaw her out.  And again, this isn't the best place to deal with this."

Tony turned around and started taking inventory of what he had to work with, and realised he would need a few parts from the quinjet.

"I'll put together a power source so you can take it to Wakanda.  They'll be better equipped for this."

Steve looked at Tony with a stunned look, while Sam, Nat, and Wanda looked at each other with a 'I knew it' look.  They'd all wondered where Steve would wonder off to every now and then, and they all knew where ever it was, it's where he had stashed Barnes.

"What?  Can't very well let Ross get his hands on this, which means I can’t take it back to the compound.  Which leaves Wakanda as the next best option. And besides, if it's 142, Barnes should be there."

Steve quirked an eyebrow.  'Seriously Rogers? You really need to get a poker face.' Tony thought.

"Genius remember?"  He said raising his hands and pointing to himself.

Tony was about to turn around to go back to the quinjet, when Sam asked the burning question he, Wanda, and Nat were wondering.

“Are we not going to talk about who this ‘James’ is?”

It hadn’t gone unnoticed to them that neither Steve, nor Tony, had lingered much on that question, meaning they knew something they didn’t. Although Steve had been relatively open about what he knew about this mission back on the quinjet, he had skirted around a few things, especially what was in the file.  And now they were wondering if they should of pressed him more about it than they had.

Nat was the first to figure it out, as she studied Steve and Tony as they exchanged knowing looks and  a silent conversation.

“It’s Barnes isn’t it.”  She finally said.

Steve took one last look at Tony before turning back to the others.

“We’re not sure.  But we think so." Steve answered.

" _ If _ it's 142, and _ if  _ 142 is who we think it is.”  Tony added more for Steve than the others.  He didn't want Steve to get his hopes up too high, in case they were wrong.  He wasn't sure Steve could handle it if they were.

~

While Tony was busy making a power-source for the pod, Steve searched through Bolshov's belongings while the others did a more thorough search of the facility.

Hidden under the thin bed mattress lying on the floor, Steve found an old journal.  He looked at the ragged leather bound book, it had definitely seen better days. Flipping through, he saw the familiar cyrillic script.  'Great' Steve thought. This was going to take a while to get through, his russian was pretty rusty.

As the others searched the base for anything that could be relevant, they came across the typical labs, experiment rooms, and holding cells.  There was something that had been nagging at Nat since she had first walked into the base. There had been suffering here, a lot of it, she could feel it in the air.  Except every room she had come across, although they spoke loudly of the pain and suffering they had witness, was not accounting for what she was feeling. So she kept looking, until she found herself in a basement level of sorts.  A level that had not been regularly used even in the hay-day of the base. It was a maze of hallways filled with pipes and small rooms. It was damp, dark, and cold. And the feeling of pain and suffering was getting stronger. The hallway she had been following suddenly came to a dead end, and Nat looked at the wall with a frustrated sigh.  This was the place, she could feel it, but there was no door. It didn't take long for Nat to find the hidden door, and when she finally managed to open it, she really wished she hadn't.

"Guys..."  She called over the coms.

~

With Tony’s help, they moved the cryopod into the quinjet and secured it.

Steve had made the decision that the others needed to come back with him this time, including Tony.  He wasn't sure how T'Challa would react to this, but he didn't have much choice. Nat had known Bolshov and could shed light on his character; Wanda had been a HYDRA experiment, and had invaluable experience in that regard; Sam had been a VA counsellor trained to help with PTSD and could hopefully help with the transition out of the pod and into freedom; and Tony had gone through all the boxes from Siberia.  They all had knowledge that could help sort this mess out. 

"I'll see you there Tony."  Steve said as he extended his hand to Tony.

“I shouldn’t be more than a day.”  Tony said as he took it and shook it.

It had been decided that it probably would be best if Tony came to Wakanda on his own and through more “official” means.  Tony and T'Challa were allies after all, it would not be unusual for allies to meet up. And it was probably best if Tony didn't stay off radar for too long either, him and Ross weren't exactly on the greatest of terms, and he really didn't need Ross on his back more than he already was.

Steve would bring T'Challa up to speed after they took off, and hopefully he would agree to help them once again.

"If T'Challa can't help, let me know, I can probably throw something up off the grid in a couple of days, probably should anyways."  Tony said before he turned around and flew away.

~

As the quinjet lifted into the air, Steve couldn't get the image of that room out of his mind.  He'd come across torture chambers before, but none like this. Well that's not true, he'd seen torture chambers like that one before, only it had been in books about the dark ages.  But those pictures had never appropriately portrayed the amount of blood that stained the floors, the walls, the ceiling, the implements.... Even now, Steve could still smell the copper in the air, mixed with mold and dust. 

~

As Tony flew away, FRIDAY advised him that she had already matched several of the DNA profiles she had scanned from the blood in the room to missing person's reports from all over the world.  There were over 30 distinct profiles that had matched, all were women. There were also dozens of mixed DNA profiles that had been scanned, and it would take time to isolate and match them to possible missing persons.  But Tony knew that FRIDAY would inevitably find all of them in the Siberia boxes. 

What fresh hell had they just uncovered?

~*~

TBC in Ch.3


	16. Book 3 - Project Hercules Ch.3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky x Reader  
> Warnings: Some angst, mention of blood and torture.  
> Word count: 5273
> 
> Italic = flashback  
> ‘internal thoughts’

~*~

The moment T'Challa got the call from Steve he knew things had gotten much more complicated.  He sighed heavily as he brought his hand to his eyes, rubbing them. He knew the moment he had offered to help Barnes that Steve would inevitably bring his troubles back to him, whether he meant to or not.  T'Challa knew that Steve just couldn't stand by and watch things go bad without trying to help. And as much as Steve would like to think it sometimes, he couldn't do it all on his own. Especially since the man did not have a single self-preservation instinct in his body.  Not a great combination. The reckless and lovable super soldier needed someone to have his back, and T'Challa was glad that he had the Black Widow, the Falcon, and the Scarlet Witch with him. Although he suspected that it probably took all three of them to do what one man used to do alone.  The more T'Challa got to know Steve, the more he appreciated Barnes. Barnes had been around since childhood, and that spoke volumes on the man's character. It took a certain kind of man to willingly follow, and then pull Steve Rogers out of whatever situation he got himself into. T'Challa could only imagine the effort it took to keep Steve alive and in one piece over the years, and especially during a world war.  As evidenced by the fact that Steve flew a plane into the ice just days after losing Barnes. Now flying the plane into the ice might have been inevitable, but he was sure that if Barnes had been there, things would have played out very differently. That being said, there was no hesitation in his mind as to whether or not to extend his help to Steve once more. But he was quickly realising that being Steve Rogers friend and also a king did tend to give him headaches.  And he felt a particularly strong one coming on now. Rubbing his eyes once more, he sighed before going on to make sure things would be ready for Steve's arrival. Making a mental note to go see Barnes and ask him how he'd done it for all those years.   


T’Challa ran through the list of who and what would be needed in his head.  Thankfully the number of people that needed to know was small, and until he knew more, this needed to stay a need-to-know only operation.  Which simplified things for him somewhat. But every time T'Challa extended his help to, well anyone really, there were questions and doubts as to whether it was the right course of action for Wakanda.  T'Challa was steering the small country into uncharted territory as they entered the wider world. Which in and of itself made the more conservative voices in his kingdom very nervous. And add the recent events with Killmonger... Well lets just say that things had been pretty shaken up in the little kingdom as of late, and cracks had emerged.  But despite all that, the people were behind T'Challa and had great faith in the man. Despite their individual reservations, they knew their king was a good man, and at the end of the day you wanted a good man at the helm.

Nonetheless, the circle of people who needed to know about this was small, and he was going to keep it that way for now.  This wasn't a democracy, he was king, and he was going to do what he thought was right. And hopefully when everything was said and done, that would be enough.

~

The quinjet arrived early the next morning.   


T'Challa, Okoye and the Dora Milaje, joined Shuri and her small team on the landing platform as the quinjet began it's landing sequence.

"Brother."  Shuri greeted as T'Challa got closer.

"Shuri.  Are things ready for our guest?"  He inquired as way of greeting his sister.

Shuri just rolled her eyes, of course things were ready.  T'Challa just smirked, he did enjoy irritating his little sister.   


Okoye just shook her head, 'Children' she thought 'I'm surrounded by children'.  Her attention was drawn back to the quinjet as it touched down and started powering down.  She was not happy about this, not in the slightest. In her opinion, her king was taking too great a risk here.  Yes T'Challa had "revealed" Wakanda to the world, but if they found out just how much they had skirted around the Accords...  Well that would bring the whole world to their doorstep, and that... well that gave her a migraine just thinking about it.

The ramp came down and Steve walked out first, followed by the others who couldn’t stop gawking at the place.  Steve’s demeanor was a stark contrast to that of his companions, and Okoye noticed that he looked worn thin. Steve gave them what she could only describe as a relieved smile at seeing them there waiting for him.  It reminded her of the smiles tired soldiers gave when they finally returned home from a long tour of duty, after having seen too much, done too much. Okoye took a closer look at the super soldier, and noticed the new shadows dancing in his blue eyes, and that he was having difficulty hiding them.  Despite the security risk Steve represented to Wakanda, she worried for the man. She, like him, was a warrior, and she wondered how long could a soldier keep fighting a war before he never came back home.   


As Steve approached, T'Challa noticed the wariness in Steve's eyes and demeanor.  Yes, he had made the right choice in extending his help to Steve once more. He just wished this time Steve would stay a little longer in the kingdom and rest a little.  There was only so much a man, super soldier or not, could take. There would always be another fight, another war. If Steve wanted to keep going, he needed to rest and replenish, let someone else carry the weight of the world for a little bit.   


T'Challa worried for his new friend.

Steve stopped in front of T'Challa and extended his hand.

"Thank you for this, I owe you."  Steve said, truly grateful, trying to convey this to the man in front of him.  He knew full well that T'Challa could of, should of, said no. He was really asking for a lot here.

"I know, I'm keeping a list."  T'Challa answered with a sly smile, taking the man's hand and shaking it.   


The slight jab did the trick and Steve smirked, nodding his head, as the handshake ended.  He was about to turn around and introduce his companions when Shuri came bouncing forward, obviously both impatient and excited.

"Well?  Where is it?"  She asked Steve.

Steve looked at T'Challa who just smirked a smile that said 'this is all you my friend'.   


"Princess Shuri."  Steve greeted with a small head bow.

"Well?"  Shuri replied, obviously she had no patience for formalities right now, she had an exciting new problem that awaited her and the man in front of her was slowing things down.

"It's this way."  Steve said as he motioned towards the quinjet, only to be practically pushed aside as Shuri impatiently passed by.  "Now it's not in the greatest of shapes." Steve yelled, but Shuri was already halfway up the ramp and not listening to him anymore.

Steve looked back slightly confused and worried at T'Challa who was trying not to smile.  He was used to his sister's antics, Steve still wasn't.    


Steve headed back towards the quinjet.  He trusted Shuri, don't get him wrong, but this was important cargo and her carefree behaviour made him very apprehensive.  He relaxed somewhat when he heard Shuri's comments coming from inside of the jet.

The moment Shuri had stepped into the quinjet, she immediately began deploring the state of the cryopod and the makeshift power supply Tony had built.  Saying something about incompetent colonisers, and how she always had to fix their mistakes. Making the others, who had stayed at the foot of the ramp until called on, smirk.

"I like her"  Wanda said smiling, echoing the feelings of Sam and Nat.

Steve came up the ramp and joined Shuri in the cargo bay.  She was about to say something snarky to the man, but when she turned around to face him she saw the worried expression on his face.  It was the same expression he had on his face when Barnes had gone back under, except this time he was doing an even poorer job at hiding it.  Shuri internally kicked herself for not having picked up on Steve’s mood sooner. This was very important to him and she had let her excitement get the better of her.  She had been very tactless, making it seem like this was nothing more than a science project and that there wasn’t a person’s life at stake here. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Shuri knew exactly what was at stake, and she wanted nothing more than to help this poor soul in anyway she could. She reassured Steve that the pod and its occupant were in good hands, and that she was going to take good care of her.  Steve just nodded a little unconvinced, but grateful nonetheless.  Shuri took that as her cue and called out for her team.   


It didn't take them long to stabilise the cryopod and take it off the quinjet, taking it to the medical centre where they would be met by the medical team.  Once there, they would be able to get a more detailed scan of its occupant's current state, and whether or not is was even safe to "thaw her out".   


As they headed towards the medical centre, Steve recognised rather quickly where they were going, it was the same room they had kept and treated Bucky.  Under his watchful eye, the pod was placed in the middle of the room, and screens were brought around it as Shuri and the medical team began their work.   


~

Doctor Mbote and his team worked at their various screens as their equipment scanned the pod.  Steve stood in front of the cryopod, looking at the sleeping face through the mist. He noticed that the mist wasn’t as opaque as it had been at the HYDRA base, that it seemed to be clearing up, and he could start to make out actual facial features.  No… his heart started racing, it couldn’t be… but FRIDAY had said… how...

Doctor Mbote worked on his medical tablet trying to make sense of the readings he was seeing.  He finally turned away from the cryopod towards T’Challa, taking Steve’s attention with him.

“Based on these preliminary results, she is in practically excellent health.”  Doctor Mbote told T’Challa, confusion clear on his face and in his voice. It didn’t make sense.

“Isn’t that a good thing?”  Steve cut in, as he turned away from the cryopod to face the Doctor.

“Yes,”  Mbote answered side glancing at Steve before continuing with an explanation.  

“Then what is the problem Doctor.”  T’Challa asked.

“I would be expecting evidence of severe malnutrition, vitamin D deficiency, extreme stress, and serious injuries in varying stages of healing.  Especially in someone that was held captive by HYDRA for nearly 2 years.  

“2 years?!?”  Steve breathed, as he turned away racking a hand over his face.

“But it seemed that there was an effort to keep her in good health.  There is evidence that she was tortured at some point, but those injuries were treated and have healed.”  Doctor Mbote continued. 

“2 years.  Are you sure?”  Steve asked still in disbelief.

“We are.”  Shuri said to Steve as she gently touched his arm, trying to convey her sympathies.

“The only reason HYDRA would have kept her in good health was to perform experiments on her.”  T’Challa said as he walked to the cryopod, looking at the sleeping woman. Whatever Shuri had done to stabilise it was clearing up the mist, allowing them to see the occupant more clearly.  A testament to how bad the condition of the pod had been in. Tony might have been off on his estimate of how long the pod still had before it failed completely.

“I agree, but until she is woken up I cannot perform anymore tests and assessments.  And at this time I do not see any issues with waking her up.” Mbote continued.

“Shuri?”  T’Challa asked as he turned away from the pod to face his sister.

“I will need at least a couple of hours to do my scans brother.”  Shuri added.

The woman in the pod had been in HYDRA hands, and therefore there were a few more scans and tests that needed to be done before they would feel comfortable waking her up.    


T'Challa decided that regardless of his sister's timeframe, and Steve's anxious impatience, there were still things that needed to be done.  For one, they needed Tony to arrive and give Natasha enough time to go through Bolshov's journal. Then they needed to get together, compare what they knew against what Shuri had found, then go from there.  Who was she? Why was she taken? What was done to her? Hopefully those questions would be answered before they woke her up. T'Challa was trying to minimize any surprises once they woke her up, and Steve, despite his feelings about it, understood and agreed with the king's decision.  He needed to be logical about this. There were so many questions, but they needed to do this right.

To stop himself from pacing a whole into the floor, Steve decided this was as good a time as any to go see Bucky and give him the trunk he'd gotten from Tony.  Bucky... God, what was he going to tell Bucky? 'Nothing.' Your voice popped into his head, startling Steve. He usually heard Peggy's or Bucky's voice when he was at a loss as to what to do, but it made sense he would conjure you up when it came to Bucky.  Especially now. And just like that there you were, standing in front of him surrounded by a snowy forest. Your hair in a messy braid, your face covered in a fine layer of dirt, your nose and cheeks a rosy red form the chill in the air. Your knuckles and fingernails encrusted with dry blood and dirt as you pulled your collar up trying to keep warm.  'You're not going to tell him anything, because you don't know anything yet, and what you do know you're not even sure of.' Steve blinked the tears back at the memory of you, and everything else it brought up with it. You were right though, Bucky had gone through too much to put him through the hell Steve was currently going though because of the hopes that had sprung amidst the void of information.  He couldn't give Bucky that hope only to snatch it away if it turned out he was wrong about the whole thing. And if he was right, well Bucky would understand.

As he headed to the quinjet to retrieve the trunk, he passed Nat sitting in a corner going through Bolshov's journal.  Steve wasn't sure what to make of the expression of Nat's face, which caused him to stop and walk towards her.

"Nat?"

Nat looked up from the worn out pages, as Steve leaned on the wall beside her.  She had been so engrossed in the pages she hadn't picked up on Steve's presence until he was leaning on the wall.

"I'm almost sure Bolshov killed the soldiers and scientists.  I'm just not sure why yet." She said, obviously confused. The more she was reading, the less things were making sense.  The man she was reading about was not the man she had known. 

"Strange for a company man."  Steve wondered aloud.

"This whole thing is strange Steve."  Nat pointed out.

"True."  He conceded.   


This whole thing was very strange indeed.

~

Leave it to Shuri to change the plan.  When Steve had returned from visiting Bucky he headed directly to the medical centre and the room where Shuri had set up the cryo pod.  The others had congregated nearby while they waited for Tony to arrive, which shouldn't be too long now. Nat was sitting in a corner still reading Bolshov's journal, while Sam and Wanda were talking as they looked out a big window at the city below.  Steve could hear T'Challa and Shuri arguing, and as he continued down the hall and came to the room he saw why. Instead of having a cryo pod in the middle of the room, there was a bed with a woman laying on it. Shuri had pulled her out of cryo to make her life easier as she went about doing her stuff.   


"I am keeping her sedated brother!"  Shuri defended.

"That is not the point Shuri!"  T'Challa said, exasperation in his voice.

"The pod was interfering with my assessments!  There was no other way." She said attempting to justify her actions.

"That is not my issue here Shuri, you should of told me before you took her out."  Trying to get through to his sister that he understood operational needs and whatnot, he just wanted to be told first, was it too much to ask?

"I am sorry brother."  Shuri said genuinely, as she looked at her feet then back up at her brother.  She knew she sometimes got carried away in her work and forgot that her king needed to be kept in the loop.

"Just don't wake her up until I tell you please."  T'Challa asked bringing his hands together pleadingly.

Shuri nodded and went back to her screens.

"I mean it Shuri!"  T'Challa warned, pointing a finger in her direction.

"I won't!"  Shuri replied her arms up in surrender.

~

Steve pulled up a chair and sat down beside the bed, making sure to not be in the way of Shuri and the medical staff.

_ Steve had hoped, but hadn’t truly believed, it was you until he had seen you lying there on the bed.  Had stood there in front of you, brought his hand to touch yours and felt the warmth radiating from your skin.  He squeezed your hand, making sure you were real. Rubbing his thumb on your hand, trying to convey as much comfort into the movement as he could.  Steve hadn’t really expected a response from you, but was sad nonetheless when he got none.   
_

_ As he held your hand, Steve couldn’t stop himself from being brought back to the war, reliving every moment from when you and Bucky had met, to the news of your death, to when Bucky had fallen from the train.  You had been in his life for such a short time, but had managed to carve yourself an irreplaceable place in his heart. You were the love of Bucky’s life, and that had made you family. You had been like the big sister Steve had never had, and he had missed you. _

_ ‘You were right, Y/N, you were right after all.’ _

_ Steve had ghosted his fingers over the familiar scars on your arms.  But there was one missing. That very distinctive one on your neck was not there.  Steve had never really asked you about your scars back during the war. He had been told about what had happened to you with the SS, and like pretty much everyone, had assumed that all the scars were from that incident.  You had never said otherwise, so why wouldn't he? Now Steve wondered how many of them you'd gotten from that room. Tony had told him that your DNA was in that room, well presumably yours, they didn't know for sure then that you and subject 142 were the same person.  The part of him that wanted you back had hoped you were, and the part of him that understood what had happened in that room hoped you weren't. _

Steve looked at you lying there sleeping peacefully, and rubbed a hand over his face.  A very large blood stain on the ground flashed in his mind. How had you survived that much blood loss?

_ They found Nat standing just a few steps into the room, she had found the light switch and had turned it on.  Another thing she regretted doing immediately.    
_

_ Nat didn't acknowledge them as they filed in behind her and took in the room.  Everywhere they looked they saw horrors painted in blood. One didn't have to have a vivid imagination to figure out how things had played out, the instruments and chains were still in the room, covered in what one would initially mistake as rust until one's brain caught up on what it was seeing. _

_ Tony was actually the first one to move further into the room as he had FRIDAY scan the bloodstains for possible DNA matches. _

_ "30 distinct profiles, dozens more that are mixed."  He finally said. "FRIDAY's searching databases for possible matches." _

_ 'God'  they all thought as they slowly spread out into the room, looking around at the testaments of suffering that had happened here.  They had all seen some horrible things in their time, but none of them had ever seen anything like this before. You could feel the pain and suffering in the air, practically hear the screams.  Any reasonable person would have looked away, walked out of that room, but they somehow felt that it was their duty to bear witness. These poor souls deserved to have someone know what had happened to them.   
_

_ Sam had knelt down in front of a very large bloodstain on the ground near the far wall. _

_ "I don't now if I want this to be more than one person or not."  He mumbled as he looked at the large stain on the ground. It was by far the largest stain in the room. _

_ The others turned to see what he was talking about, looking at the stained ground and based on their individual experiences they all came to the same conclusion, and agreed.  Wanda bent down beside him, reaching out with one hand as if to touch the stain. The tendrils of her energy danced at her fingertips, as if deciding if she wanted to try or not.  Wondered if she could even get an impression of the person or persons that had left this stain. Wondered if she even wanted to. _

_ "Ummm Steve..."  Tony said hesitantly.  Effectively stopping Wanda in her tracks, snapping her out of her reverie. _

_ "Tony?"  Steve asked as he turned to look at the man.   _

_ "I hate to be the one to have to tell you this.  But that's subject 142's blood. Only 142's. FRIDAY just confirmed the DNA match.  It's a match to the missing person's report." Tony stated, watching Steve carefully. _

_ Only one.  Was that better or worse than if Tony had said the blood was from multiple people? _

_ '142, could you really have been subject 142?'  Steve thought. Until seeing this room Steve was hoping that you were, needed it to be you.  But now he wished and hoped that you weren't. That 142 was a doppelgänger, or clone, or whatever.  That you had indeed died in the Bois Jacques, and not on this dirty floor, in this cold and damp room, all alone in the basement of a HYDRA base.   
_

_ But regardless, you were dead, and with that realisation the hopes that Tony had given Steve had died too.  It hit him like a ton of bricks. It was like losing you all over again. He was angry at you for the fact that you might have been alive only to die and he hadn’t known.  Was angry at you that he couldn’t bring you back to Bucky. Bucky needed you, needed you more than he needed Steve. Bucky had come along way since his escape from HYDRA, but there was still so much work left to do.  And Steve knew that if you were here Bucky would be able to find peace. You would be able to give him that. Steve was also angry that Bucky would lose you all over again if he decided to tell him about all this. He was angry at you that he might have to keep all of this from Bucky.  And he was angry at Tony for giving him hope. But most of all, he realised he was still angry at you for lying. You had lied, and for a brief moment he had thought that maybe, just maybe you hadn’t. That you had all somehow survived the war. But you hadn’t. You had died, you were dead, and nothing was going to change that. _

_ Which then begged the question, who was in the cryopod if not 142? _

How had you survived that much blood loss?  It was not the first time that question was associated with you.  Steve remembered overhearing a random conversation between a few men of Easy Company about the state they had found you in.  These were not green soldiers that were discussing the fact that you should of been dead, but well seasoned soldiers that had seen their fare share, had done their fare share.   


Which brought Steve back to the early days after he had rescued Bucky, how his bruises and cuts had healed much quicker than they should have.  Bucky hadn't talked about what Zola had done to him, not that he would of known what was being injected into his veins, not that he would have talked about it more if he had.  Had HYDRA done something similar to you? Had you been a prisoner of HYDRA longer than you had told them?

No.  Steve didn't believe that you would have lied about that, especially not to Bucky.  Something else was going on.

As Steve sat there he was trying to wrap his head around what Shuri had told them.  She had confirmed that subject 142 was indeed you, but not the "you" you would expect.  She had told him that the Y/N that he knew from the war was older than the Y/N that was currently lying in front of them.

Shuri had scanned your memories, granted initially looking for trigger words or any hidden HYDRA nonsense, and even though WWII had not happened to you yet, she had found a lot of evidence that supported you were Lt Y/N RN.  And combining her analyses with Bucky's memories from WWII, and the information that Tony had sent her, she was 99.99% sure that subject 142, the Lt, and the woman lying there were the same person.

Shuri had concluded that in the next 1 to 3 years you would somehow find yourself back in 1940, in the middle of a war that would ultimately kill you 4 years later.  Which, if Shuri was right, raised more questions than it answered. To be honest Steve wasn't entirely sure he understood what Shuri had told him. But he knew the odds of both Shuri and Tony being wrong were astronomical.  And regardless of what the science said, he would know if you were really you once he got a chance to speak with you. He just needed to be patient and wait for you to wake up.

Steve brought a hand to his face once more and rubbed it slowly.  This whole thing had been strange from the beginning, but time travel?  Was that even possible? According to Shuri it was theoretically possible.  That's as much of the explanation Steve understood, the science went ten feet over his head.  Shuri however had gotten very excited at the realisation that time travel was now in the realm of the possible.  Evidenced by the fact that you had, or rather that you would, time travel in the near future. T'Challa had to rein in Shuri as she excitedly began rambling about what it all meant and all the new possibilities, and bring her back on point.  Figuring out time travel would have to wait, they had other more pressing concerns that required her attention.

'How would you even do that anyways?'  Steve thought. He knew that if anyone could figure it out it would be the princess.  And when Tony found out that his suspicions were correct, he would get on that bandwagon too.  Oh god! Was that how it happened? Shuri and Tony combined their massive intellects and figured out time travel, and you somehow got sucked into it and thrown back into World War II?  Steve had to stop himself. The thought of the two scientists getting together was giving him a migraine. Steve was starting to reconsider having brought Tony in on this. But he knew it was already too late, it had been too late the moment Tony had opened that first HYDRA box from Siberia.  Tony would keep pulling on this thread regardless.   


Tony and Shuri in the same room...  Steve hadn't thought of that until now, he wondered if T'Challa had.  Of course T'Challa had. Steve was getting to know the king fairly well, and unlike himself, he wasn't rash, he tended to think things through, consider all the angles,  before he acted. Nonetheless, Steve wasn't sure the world was ready for that kind of meeting of the minds, for that kind of runaway scientific excitement that made discoveries that changed the world.  And to having to try and rein in that scientific inquiry. Trying to rein in Tony was exhausting enough, he could only imagine if Shuri's enthusiasm was thrown into the mix. The world didn't need another Ultron incident.   


Steve decided he would think about it and deal with it later.  He didn't have the energy right now to deal with more than one problem at a time, and he needed to figure you out first.  Steve sighed heavily. What was he going to tell Bucky? Steve looked at the file folder in his hands. To answer that question, Steve needed more information.  He'd been avoiding it, and for the first time since Tony gave him the file, Steve opened it and actually read it.   


 

Project Hercules - Subject #142.   


 

The first page had all your background information, when and where you were born, who your parents were, whether or not you had siblings, your education history, where you lived, where you worked, ect.  A full intelligence background on you.    


For whatever reason you had been flagged and tagged by HYDRA, and nothing on the first page gave Steve any indication as to why that would be.   


One of the monitors beeped briefly, making Steve look up at you in a panic and start to get up, as one of the nurses checked you over and pressed some buttons on the machine that was giving you an IV.  Satisfied she turned to acknowledge a very worried Steve with a reassuring smile.

"Nothing to worry about, she was beginning to wake up.  It would appear your friend has a slightly higher metabolism than we expected, burns through the medications we are giving her much faster."

Steve relaxed back into his chair and thanked the nurse, as she went back to monitoring the screens and going about doing whatever nurses do when they are taking care of a critical patient.

'Higher than normal metabolism' he'd heard that once or twice before too.  But what did it mean for you? He was hoping the answers were in the file in his hands.

Steve flipped to the second page.

Mission Report: January 13th 2012   


-Successful retrieval by Asset-

~*~

TBC in Ch.4


End file.
